am i the only one who is beginning to hate her child????

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i dont know what to do with ds1 (8)- AS. he has always been very aggressive to us and to his younger brother (also AS), hitting him, roaring at him and the like. now ds2 does it back to him and also to dd who is only 2 and such a sweetie. i hate the fact thats its becoming normal for her and that it will make her like it too. he is rude and aggressive answering back all the time, shouting at me. when we are out with other kids or any come here he always shows himself and me up. i feel so ashamed of him and disappointed in him and spend all my time apologising for his behaviour. i just feel so low with him. he never ever learns from his mistakes and does the same things over and over again. he is super cllever and i think that makes it harder for me to accept his behaviour. why doesnt he understand how to conduct himself? why does he never bloody learn? i just wish someone would take him away, he's just horrible. he is 8 but the size of an 11 yr old. he always seems a bit 'disturbed' and dh and i both dread what hes going to be like as he gets older. he is def getting worse and we just cant cope with him anymore.
i know none of you have the answer just wanted to let off steam really. thanks for listening

I'm so sorry to read your post, really hope you get some good advice. How is his behaviour at school?

So sorry to read this. Please don't worry about your daughter - her behaviour will probably be easier to change with time as she understands more. She's still so little at 2, of course she wants to copy her big brothers. I don't have any advice about your DS - have you got any therapist that may help with his behaviour?

at school he is fine, yet socially he is appalling. just has no idea what to do and how to fit in. he just makes himself look really weird and stand offish. god that sounds a bit harsh. just feel so fed up with him. in terms of school we recently moved him from local very large primary to private small school as we thought he might fit in better and that he would be challenged academically. and in terms of his schoolwork hes getting on brilliantly but with his peers its the same as before and of course theres not going to be such a wide choice of potential 'friends' (only 9 in his class) so if he pisses them off or perceives that they dont like him or whatever then there arent many options for him. i am beginning to fel resentful at paying out the money (and it is a struggle financially if i'm honest) because i cant see it making a difference.

christina- we dont have anyone. am waiting for referral for him to be seen at Joint Agency which is linked into social services but have been waiting a year so far and heard nothing. dont even have a keyworker.

also dd has been physically hurt several times by ds2 and has had to go to A&E as he pushed her off table and she almost severed her finger. 5 months on we are still having to take her to see plastic surgeons to assess damage.
they just make me so livid. feel so so so jealous of my friends with their NT kids, and so cross when they say things like 'oh yes they all do that' and i think 'god you havent a bloody clue'.
sorry that went off on a bit of a tangent there.

I can't believe you're so alone in this and that you don't even have a keyworker for your DS. Please ring up, chase up your LEA, it sounds like you are all struggling at the moment. I know a few rare cases where the LEA has paid for children to go to private school (deaf kids) as being the most appropriate for their education - very long shot, I know, as your DS would first need a Statement and it can still be a battle afterwards.

Regarding friendships - could he go to activities and groups outside school? Something he likes or is good at? I realise most such activities imply some sort of team effort, but maybe there is something more solitary (as in individual, if that's what he likes), like chess.

I think there are quite a few people on here whose children have AS and they may have some more practical suggestions regarding behaviour.

I know the feeling of "why me? why him?" but I don't think like that anymore. Partly because I don't feel like it any longer and partly because I know each family has its own difficulties. The ones we have (DS is deaf) we can deal with now.

he goes to a sort of youth group for As kids but to be honest they dont do any mixing really. they just run around and hurt each other cos they dont know when to stop. as for interests, he genuinely doesnt have ANY. he doesnt play with anything, he no longer reads, he isnt interested in any sports as he says he's no good at them (which actually he isnt but obviously i dont tell him that)

as for statementing, they will never statement him as the school dont perciene him to have any problems. ???.

i get what you say about why him, whay us? etc but its just pther peoples inability to recognise that he has extra difficulties and therefore we as a family have extra difficulties and thinking we're all the same. that what gets to me, because youre right we dont have any support.

i know that i prob have AS too (have been assessed) and so in that way i think i find him extra difficult to cope with. i am becoming the parent that i abhor (shouting, getting mad, frightening them) i dont mean to and i dont want to but cant control myself. i am so worried that their overwhelming memory of their childhood will be of being shouted at etc but just find it so hard. i think its making me ill

Have you been on one of those course things to get ideas on how to deal with him? He sounds v hard work. Sorry things are so tough at the moment. What about a break, as well? Do you have a partner? How does s\he cope with your boy? Could you get away for a weekend and leave the kids with him/her?

i do have a dh, yes. i've been on the Earlybirds course which was good but didnt find it relevant for him. was more relevant for ds2 (in fact it was so relevant for him thats when i realsied he had it too!). i sooooo badly need a break, but then i dont like leaving dd. at teatime today i was wondering how i could leave and take dd with me. but then i realsied unfortunately it just wouldnt be possible. i think i perhaps need to go on some kind of stress/ anger management course for myself.

Could you and dd go and stay with family/friends in a caravan for a weekend? Or could this scheme help? There is also an early bird plus scheme I think.

Sorry- don't mean with friends in a caravan! Mean a cheap break in a caravan just you and her.

Your local carers scheme should have a holiday grant scheme too.

that looks brilliant thanks! i wonder if they have them all over country? i am in devon

Which local authority do you come under? You sound quite isolated. If you're anywhere near Plymouth CAT me and I can provide you with the NAS support group meetings- they're twice a month- lots of people with children with AS go. There are also meetings somewhere in Torbay - yuo could get those details via the NAS website.

Also the NAS are running quite a few Help! courses in Cornwall- I'd contact Rachel Pike at the NAS to ask about those. Some on managing challengin behaviours in children with AS coming up.

i wanted to reply from a 'i know what you mean' perspective because, having just returned from holiday, i know i veer between feeling great because his (ds1 4 yrs as) teacher tells me how well he's doing or i manage a reasonable trip to a shop to sheer shame and angry frustration - the holiday toilet fixation peaked when he renched open a door to reveal the occupant, pants down, to the queue and a meal without screaming would be a blessing!
my dh is trying his hand at a social story as i write!
the no playing/interest is so true- on a bad day i think his only interest (excluding public toilets) is telling me what thing he's doing that he know's he's not meant to.It's his birthday soon and i have no ideas for presents as he has no interests.
in terms of siblings i have 2yr old twins and i just want to cry when they copy the screaming or the hitting and i too resort to shouting and threats which is ridiculous as i tell my dh not to do that! but i am lucky in that i apply rules to them as a duo and they already know that ds1 is not included because he can't sit at the table for example.
I get a break by taking one twin with me to see a friend for the day and leave ds1 and one twin with dh for the day, yes i know they won't have a great day , but he will do the same another day. i took my ds1 to see my mum for a weekend and he was a lot more manageable when he was on his own and i could focus on him.
i know what you mean about horrible - i try and go in his room when he's asleep and imagine life without him - makes me realise that he's mine for life what ever he does because who else is going to protect him and look after him?
the things that occured to me in terms of practical help were disability living allowance as my health vistor has just told me to apply for that and i am looking in to bibic or RDI both of which cost substantial amounts of money, but might be more worthwhile than a private school from what you say?
Anyway that was a big ramble, but please cat me if you want to rant unpleasnt thoughts! hope you feel better.

RE younger siblnigs copying. I found this a problem until the younger ones went to nursery then they seemed to suss out who should be role models iyswim.

thanks all. i am off for the afternoon on my own today so will have a break. no major incidents so far this morning. what does CAT mean? I live in Exeter. i go to NAS coffee morning once a month here and it is nice but not many people go and i am one of the more 'experienced' ones! so people tend to ask me stuff rather than other way around.

CAT is contact a talker. Its a facility on Mumsnet (its under Contact a Mumsnettter at the top of the page).

Your comment "as for statementing, they will never statement him as the school dont perciene him to have any problems. ???". That's frankly shocking to my mind. If the school are saying this then I would remove him from this school without question. They don't care about him at all if they are saying this.

A child with AS without a Statement in school is to my mind akin to said child being thrown to the sharks. It sounds to me as well like your DS1 can just about cope where he is and bottles up all his frustrations of the day. He then takes the resultant frustration out on yourselves.