Can't cope with DS anymore. Long one. Sorry

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

Wasn't sure where to post this - I have my own mental health problems and I honestly don't know if it's my mental health or my DS' problems that's the problem anymore?
I have ptsd, depression, anxiety, which causes insomnia and also have eating disorder which spikes every so often. Am on mirtazapine 30mg, the meds don't help anything except sleep and my mental health has been really bad and is getting worse. I have support for this from a MHSW and the GP.

My DS is almost 4 and has been assessed for ASD - he's due to have a reassessment in the coming months.
He has no fear. Not of consequences, not of danger, nothing. He'll intentionally do things he's been warned not to do because he either doesn't understand or care about the consequence. Same goes for things that are dangerous, he has no sense of real danger about lot of things. But then with other things he's overly afraid of things, he's a pain to get to cross the road because if there's a single car half a mile up the road, he panics that it's going to run him over ?? Suddenly loads of things are scary when he never ever had a problem with them before.

He needs his routine. He hates change. If plans change or if his routine is altered it leads to a massive, inconsolable tantrum.
He is weird with his food - it's a push to get him to eat a hot dinner. Everything has to be cold. There are certain foods that I know he definitly will eat and alot of other stuff he won't even try.
He gets very fixated on one thing and nothing will distract him from that. Even if occupied with something else, he will keep coming back to that one fixation. To the point even if I've said no he will repeat and repeat and repeat himself in the hope that I'll give him a difference answer. I never give in.
He has zero concept of time. Today we were talking about what he would like for his birthday (next month) and he's decided that the delivery man is bringing his birthday presents today. And that's all I've heard all day. It doesn't even matter how many times I've explained that there is no man, he's still going on and on and on about the man coming with his presents. He literally does not listen to a single word I say.
He reacts very badly if told no.

He has sensory issues - being touched (brushing his hair is a nightmare & washing it is nearly impossible. As for cutting it? Forget it.) He really really loves lights, and is very sensitive to noise. Have bought him some can-headphones to act as ear defenders but will play music as he likes music, but very often in the house he'll just stand with his hands over his ears. He's very touchy-feely - he loves to feel things. He has one special teddy-dog and one blanket that are made of the same feeling material and he loves them. He often takes dog everywhere and can't sleep without him. He's very fixated with animals aswell - so am getting a pair of rats for us, as he'll be able to pet them under supervision.

He has absolutely no concept of others personal space.
And yet will kick off if someone gets too close too him.

He eats things that are not food. He bites things and chews on his clothes, teddies, toys, blankets, coats etc. Have bought him a chewy thing to wear round his neck.

He never sits still. He's on the go from the minute he wakes to the minute he goes to sleep. Am just thankful that he's usually quite easy to get to bed!!

The biggest problem is his lashing out.
I've been hit, punched, spat at, bitten, kicked, had toys thrown at me, been hit with toys, everything.
Today he was throwing toys in the living room, I asked him to stop throwing things, he carried on, I asked him to stop again and warned if he continued he'd be put for time-out in his room, he carried on and started screaming at me. So I took his arms to lift him out of the room, he went to bite my hand. In trying to stop him biting me, he caught the tips of my nails (they're acrylics still from christmas so otherwise the nails would've just broken off) and ripped my nails and fingers back leaving me with swollen, painful fingers - this was hours ago and I'm only just able to use those fingers now :(
After he's been violent I do tend to lose my rag with him and am probably too rough in putting him into his room.

I feel at my absolute wits end - I honestly can't cope anymore.
I literally go from wanting to smack him one back to crying in a heap on the floor to wanting to ring SS myself and getting them to remove him.
I'm a single mum, I have no family support around me bcs I had to flee DV and all my family are back in my hometown. My mother is difficult anyway and refuses to help me out with my DS. I've had Early Help for him, but they were useless and we don't have them anymore.

Sorry this is so long...if you made it this far, these are you for you Think I just needed to get it out?

You are a great Mum and doing a fab job!

DD is under ASD assessment and we find that playing with water beads, magic sand, pieces of ribbon, doing painting, going in the bath all help to calm her. She also has a wigwam and that calms her a lot, just to be left to relax in peace sometimes, for example, after school (she's 5).

She almost had a meltdown after the summer school Fayre and just handing her a piece of ribbon to fiddle with calmed her down so much, I couldn't believe it!

The aggression is hard. DD peaks and troughs but it has certainly increased towards end of the Xmas school hols,
with the change of returning to school.

You sound well informed and clued up and have lots of sensory bits n bobs and the bedroom sounds great! You are doing a fantastic job. It's hard with the two of us so you are a super Mum.

I can only reiterate the support here.

As for dla - the threshold is needing more care than a child of same age. Have a look at cerebra guide, download forms and ask a local support service to go through them with you.
Use what you e written to complete the tick boxes and then explain why he needs support.
You can look at mac major buggies. There is also a cheaper version I'll look for in a bit.
Some 3 wheelers are bigger too - eBay is the best place to look.

http://www.specialneedspushchairs.co.uk/budget.html

Thank you all for your messages

I ordered some PECS online and they arrived today - so this evening we started those. He seemed to really like it - kept running back to the board to see the next thing. Made bedtime routine much easier as normally he'll drag his feet with it and try to long it out and won't go to the toilet. But tonight he could see the things on the board that clearly said "Dinner. Clothes off. Bath. Teeth brushed. Toilet. Medicine. Bed" and he didn't even quibble it.
I don't expect it to be that easy every night...but it's a good start! :)

PECS are still working quite well.

Last few days DS' foot turns in when he's walking - he's always done it when he's been tired. But the past few days it's been really bad. To the point he's tripping himself over. Alot.
He keeps walking on his toes aswell. And asking to be carried a lot.

Will raise it at the next assessment which should be in the next month or two.

Feel very resistant/reluctant to getting him a chair. Probably sounds stupid but feels like a massive step back and I'm very reluctant to do that without a diagnoses - what if he's not autistic & I stunt his development by putting him back in a stroller at 4 years old? I feel like it'd just be easier for me and not necessarily in his best interest?

If It is easier for you, it is almost certainly in his best interest. When you go to the park he can run around, it is just journeys from a to b can often be a source of tension, especially when they are tired after nursery. As I said before, my NT daughter went in a pushchair every day to Reception, because it made her feel safe, after I realised that hell is a child who refuses to walk and needs to be carried... She is the most athletic slim fit bouncy child; takes two buses to school every day, does dance class. At 14, that brief interlude of being in pushchair when some of her peers were not, has made absolutely no difference to her development.