Son being bullied - but he isn't aware - what to do?

[MissOnomer]

My DS is 8. He idolises his dad who used to be a rugby player and DS asked to join the local junior club.
However he struggles. He has social communication issues and finds it difficult to read other people. He also has poor coordination. He loves dressing in the kit and the idea of being a rugby player. However he doesn't follow instructions and he is often playing an imaginary game alongside the real game. He is also physically small, slow and timid - and the other boys find him infuriating. They have started to be very unkind - when the boys are divided into teams his team will pretend he isn't in their team and send him to the other, then he gets sent back to the first etc etc. They steal his hat and push him around during breaks. When he tries to chat in break time they ignore him. He seems, at least on the surface, to be mostly unworried by it, although he has asked why the boys only push him.

As parents, we feel we cannot let him carry on playing as at some point the penny will drop for him that the other boys dislike him and we don't want him to go through that particularly as he hurts himself when distressed.

However we are just not sure how to extricate him without him feeling as if he has done something wrong, which of course he hasn't.

Does anyone have any advice. He doesn't have a formal diagnosis (yet) although the Ed Psych I saw yesterday recommended treating him as if he has autism

Bump

Hello I didn't want to read and run but had to reply with something ! My son has ASD is six years old but with him gets very angry if people push or him or make fun of him and answers or hits/pushes back. My brothers have always taught him to hit back and I dint care I think it's the best tactic as I don't want him to be bullied.

In regards to the rugby issue I put my son in football and it really wasn't for him, he was far far behind the other kids and didn't get it at all although really tried to play with them. I just withdrew him as didn't want to pressurise him and everyone kept saying later on in school 'your cool' if you play football and become popular but I couldn't care less.

I would try and channel his passion and love to a hobby or something that he is good at and really encourage him in that. Also it's not just ASD kids that aren't good at sport etc and find it hard to fit in.

And yeh ofcourse lol what zzzzz has said what is the school doing !!

First of all talk to the rugby club, this sort of bullying is unacceptable and they shoukd have policies for desling with it. However that doesn't solve the square peg/round hole problem, which we also went through with junior football, despite a coach who really did do his best for DS. For a long time he was happy enough just going to training but not playing in matches (he really wouldn't have coped) but eventually he decided for himself to give up. We switched him to hockey where he has flourished, it is less competitive and he is able to train in squads matched to his ability rather than age and plays in friendly matches. We also a couple of years later found a disability football team which is perfect for him. Hope something sorts itself out for your DS, it's so hard.

Any coach worth their salt will try and encourage all the team players.

If it is any comfort, ds2 found joining in very difficult at 8, but by 10 enjoyed being in a very structured football session with very good coaching (and very little competition element, although they did play a short match at the end of every session) What didn't work for ds was a long match played under normal rules.

Ds2 hated Rugby almost immediately!!! He said they were stepping on his toes and bumping into him. Possibly because we started later on, and he missed out on tag Rugby. Ds2 loves going to football matches with his Dad, could you channel some of that enthusiasm into watching matches - there are some very family friendly clubs, not nearly the scary experience I assumed, of a football stadium.

The coach of course should be preventing any bullying. He cannot be the only child the coach has ever encountered who didn't fit in straightaway.

In answer to your original question how do you extricate him, I found the best way to do this was to distract by finding a different interest and possibly find something that clashed on that day and time, so it became very difficult to take him You will probably find, that he is very relieved to be removed from the club, but doesn't know how to communicate this. If he suddenly hates it, be very positive about his choice to leave, whatever you do, and don't mention the fact that he was not playing game right or not getting on with other children, it can become a real fixation, past failures.

Thankyou who and ruby - i definitely agree we need to remove him from the situation and find something more suited to him. It's just hard - he really really wants to be a rugby player and he just can't see that he isn't going to fit in. I guess I will just fill weekends up with stuff so we can never make training and hope he moves onto something else. I can't think of another way to do it without making him feel like a victim.

I do agree in an ideal world the bullying would be dealt with - I just don't have any faith that it would really change things. I think the other boys would just get more sly about the unkind behaviour or just keep ignoring him.

In answer to your point zzzz about how we let it get to this: in previous weeks we let the smaller stuff go i.e. the ignoring him and the eye rolling as we didn't want to look petty and we thought we could help him fit in. However it was this weekend that it escalated to the pushing, hat stealing....and he won't be going back to experience more. Yes those boys may turn out to be intolerant and nasty but I'll let their parents worry about that, I'm only interested in making things ok for my boy.

School have got the Ed Psych in and I have a meeting with the inclusion manager. The rugby club is totally separate - nothing to do with school. Previously to the Ed Psych, the school have done some work on emotional literacy and boundaries - they have also kept him on tables with children who are kind to him and encouraged him to go to clubs like TechMech. The teachers are lovely to him - very kind and friendly.

knitting we completely cross posted - thank you I think that is exactly the way forward . And yes yes I so don't want him to feel a failure

zzzz you are right of course but I have only just started to get my head around the idea that my DS in all probability has a life long disability and I just want to hide away and cry. I just can't fight the rugby club as well as jump all the hoops and insist on an assessment from CAHMs. I just can't. Maybe in 2 years when I've got the help and diagnosis but this is all very new and raw.

Despite all this my DS still has serious aspirations towards being a professional footballer, his enthusiasm is undiminished.

It is worth a look to see if there are any teams catering for those with disabilities - google "your local authority" Local Offer, there should be links towards all the disability friendly clubs and teams in all sorts of pastimes.

Sorry, I missed your last post, you might not feel ready for that, it's a long journey coming to terms with it all. I felt like you when DS was younger. With time it gets easier

Thanks who, your DS sounds such a lovely boy. I will have a google and see what might be good for him

It's definitely hard at first, I could barely think about it without crying and it would be on my mind first thing when I got up and last thing before I went to sleep. It may sound cliche but things get much much better, my son has made incredible progress which I thought was not possible two years back. He is in mainstream school and doing excellently academically. At the time of his diagnosis I was worried he was never gonna speak properly even, but he has come such a long way and as a family all understand him much more and support him so well

I mean I will have a google and see what's around for DS. Sorry very tired! Have a 5 month non sleeping baby to manage (but that's another thread)!

Oh ruby your post just made me smile and cry all at once. I really hope I can get him the help he needs

He has his moments . It might also be worth trying to find some local support group, for example the National Autistic Society has branches which host get togethers for parents and children and are great places for sharing local knowledge. That's how we found our disability football team. Again it's hard acknowledging that you belong in that group, but once you've bitten the bullet and made contact it gets a lot easier.

My ds started his football lessons a year ago and I never thought it would work out. There were so many times I thought about not going back. But a year later he is doing so well. He is still not a brilliant football player but the progress he has made is amazing and he even seems to have gained the respect of the boys who used to treat him badly and never pass the ball to him.

I would always take ds out of the lesson when things were not going well and give him guidance on how to deal with the other boys. He would then go back in and continue with the lesson. The coach has got used to me and he does seem to look out for my ds now.

If your ds is determined to play rugby I hope you can find another club that will be suitable for him. My ds has been so determined to play football and it has been amazing the progress he has made. It has also been a good place for me to help him socially. I can see how other boys treat him and I can help him learn what is an acceptable way to be treated and what is not. He is 8.