1 SN DS aged 18,1 NT DD aged 16,feel sad,has she missed out?

[time4me]

Can anyone give me any advice or comfort?
I have one DS aged 18 who is severely brain damaged and a real handful.I have a DD of 16 who is NT and a real handful.
I am 51,no chance of another baby,but DD keeps telling me how much she has missed out by not having a normal sibling.
Im amazed I never had one after her birth as I was determined I would but for various reasons,the main one feeling overwhelmed by full-time work and children ( especially my son ) I just never did until it was too late.I sort of tried after the age of 40 but I felt ambivalent,whereas with DS and DD I was really really desperate to have a child. Nothing happened and I wasnt bothered either.However now DD is really taking it out on me,moaning and wailing that she had missed out and it will be no fun for her in the future.She says when she stays at her friends houses she feels so sad watching the tears,tribulations and fun of sibling groups.
Any helpful advice,please? ps DH always sat on the fence,but on the whole was very negative about me wanting another one

It is the raisen d'etre of a 16 year old to make their parent feel guilty.

She has found your soft spot, and is doing what most teenage (especially girls) do.

She certainly wont have had a "normal" upbringing. There are many things she may have missed out on, but, likewise, there are many things she has gleaned from having this unique family of hers.

The only thing you could possibly say in response is, that for as much as she may feel that she has missed out on normal sibling stuff, she has had far more of your attention than she would have had, had she had a sibling to share your already shortened time with.

It must be awful that she is saying these things to you, but, you certainly dont have anything to feel bad about.

Im not at the teenage angst stage with my two so I dont honestly know how to advise you to deal with it, except that, it seems like a teenage issue rather than any other kind of issue iykwim?

I must say, if that is all she has to 'complain' about, then she isnt particularly hard up, is she? Sounds like you have done a good job in what must have been a tough situation.

I have no experience of this, but I would say that 16 is a difficult age when children rebelle against their parents and everything they represent. It?s possible that she is just using this to get at you and it is clearly working.

Alternatively, how are things for her at school? Does she have lots of friends? Is it possible that other children have been making comments about her brother?s special needs, so essentially using her brother?s sn to get to her? There is one poster on here whose ds is taunted by children at school who call his severely disabled sister names etc, and he is very protective of her, but is it possible that this could have the oppositve effect on your dd and that she is starting to resent her brother?s disability?

Obviously it would be preferable that she?s just being a tipicle teen, but it might be worth having a chat with her about it just to be sure?

The reality is, nothing in this world is certain, even if your ds had not had severe special needs, there are no guarantees in life, and your dd couldn?t have been sure that they would have had a wonderful sibling relationship anyway. I have an only child, through fertility issues not choice, and I would be very unhappy if he blamed me for not having another child just so that he could have a sibling. It is not your fault how things turned out, if you?d had another baby it would have had to be for you, not for your dd.

She will grow up, and hopefully her experiences with her brother will have made her a more sensitive, tolerant person, it just might take some time for that to sine through.

Good luck xx

Time4me, on reading this I too thought "there's a teenager who's found your weak spot!". I have 3 DD, the youngest has special needs. The eldest complains about being the eldest, the middle one about being in the middle. Also "why did they never have a brother" ?? I'm not being flippant, I can tell that as you've had the difficult job of caring for a child with SN, you are worried that your DD has suffered. And maybe she has. But I feel whatever her circumstances, she would have found a stick to beat you with at age 16. You have done your best, you can do no more. And at age 20ish she may possibly realise that.

can i just say i have an 18 yr old nt, he still has a huge chip on his shoulder with me, he came round for my 13yr old nt sons birthday and was going on about how we never made such a big fuss of his birthday etc, but at 13 he didnt have 2 sn little brothers. my point being teenagers by nature have chips on their shoulders. my nt ds has just turned 13, he had the normal sibling stuff with my eldest, but he still says stuff about the 2 little ones. i think maybe your daughter is looking at life through rose tinted glasses hun, she has seen 'normal' sibling relationships and is feeling a bit wistful. come to adulthood she may well see things very differently and may realise what she has actually had that others didnt with her brother. i would just let her work through it hun, and stop feeling guilty. i agree with the others that you can put most of this down to her age, i am sure she will grow out of it.

A real shot in the arm!! Thank you so much.
A development- she is going on her first date on Friday and seems a much happier and different person altogether,AND not full of angst at me.I`m really grateful to you for your wise and comforting words