Debunking some myths - autism and empathy, visual thinkers and lack of imagination

[Mumoftwinsandanother]

Just wondered if some of you could help me please. My son has a dx of ASD. I agree that he has ASD or at the very least a social communication disorder with sensory issues (broadly the same thing under DM5).

We get great support from his school, the LA autism service (who are essentially specialist autism teachers who go into schools and advise them of little things that might assist to make his life easier) and a local charity support group run by specialists. I am grateful for these people and have no wish to offend them.

However, they all make sweeping statements about ds and autistic people in general which I know to be untrue. However, as I am not an "expert" my views are politely ignored. In particular, they say:

1. people with ASD have no empathy - my DS has loads and he is only 4, he both understands how other people are feeling and expresses concern. This false belief is the one that angers me the most and shows the biggest lack of insight into ASD but it is peddled by the autism teachers at all the support groups;

2. people with ASD have no imagination - my DS has loads, genuine imagination not repetitive play or re-enactment of play he has seen before (he makes up scenarios for his toys, invents names for them, imagines one object is a completely different one all the time - the problem is getting him to think about the real world). This false belief will I think curtail how people encourage him to learn. For example, I said to nursery teacher that he doesn't really build things with blocks - oh that will be lack of imagination she says - no its lack of fine motor skills. Now he understands how to use blocks he builds all sorts of weird and wonderful things.

3. all people with ASD are visual thinkers - whilst I am sure lots of people are (Temple Grandin for example), I believe my DS is not. Nor is he a pattern-thinker. He is clearly a verbal thinker. He never shuts up, always talks through what he is doing, talks to himself at night about what is happening. I am a verbal thinker with a huge memory for facts that I have heard rather than seen (any idea where he might get some of this from). I don't think in pictures. DS' teacher with 25 years experience of autism is convinced he is a visual thinker and regularly states this, she has photos up everywhere (the photos aren't a bad idea as it helps remind him of sequences etc but they don't prove that this is how his mind works).

I would like to have a stack of articles that I could give to people during meetings if they come up with any of these old chestnuts just to see if I can make them think again. Does anyone have any links to good articles debunking these myths?
Will post in AIBU for traffic if it is quiet here but thought this would be the best place to start.
Many thanks

Simply that what is true for one person isn't for another or may be to a lesser extent. It's not like measles, binary, you have them or you don't.

And that's quite hard to get one's mind round.

I didn't say that but look at how so many have commented on the 'imagination' aspect!

And obv it's not the posters on this thread who have the problem, but those who don't have personal experience of it... eg some,not all, teachers. Or those who have to face it in other contexts.

My v dear sis, for example, an SEN teacher and I understand a good one, cannot understand us, despite her experience as a teacher, i.e. transfer from a controlled environment where she is in charge to understand our home where DH is ASD but in a peer:peer environment. Both context and individual aspects have changed.

Imv it's one of the reasons why ASD is such a bugger to live with if you are NT.

No, ok, but by golly it can be. Even though it can have huge positives as well.

As everything I say, trying to assist the OP, seems to irritate you zzz I'm now opting out.

O P, lots of sympathy. But it's hard on both dudes.

• dudes? Sides.

Personally I find people are a bugger to live with.
Should have taken my chance at hermit existence when I had it. Ah well, you live and you learn.
Bloody good job I love the buggers.

One that annoys me is when people say the people with autism are always literal and can't understand idioms like 'it's raining cats and dogs'. My DS seems to instinctively understand and enjoy using language and is flexible with it. If he hears an idiom used on a film he will get the meaning from the context and then use it himself later at an appropriate time.

Thank you all. Imaginosity, I agree my DS also seems to understand idioms (to some extent he is 4). He is also quite flexible with language and enjoys using it usually in the correct context.

Went to the meeting today, room full of kind, caring people who have been on a course, taught lots of autistic people before. It just made me miserable. Apparently DS is very rigid (because the autism teacher asked him to put the blue dinosaur in and he said no want the purple one - I suspect if she had argued he might have let her win just to shut her up). From this she deduced that I need to be flexible with his routines, not always let him do things in the same way and that he will probably have problems at Xmas as he will be out of his routine. The thing is I know that he isn't rigid, he's very flexible with what we do (subject to the odd tantrum if he wants to eat sweets and I say no, that kind of thing). There is very little routine and structure in our house because none of us like it. He particularly loves new things, surprises, holidays etc. Anything to disrupt the mundane. Its routine he doesn't like much. Apparently I don't know what I'm talking about, the way I parent probably lets him get away with having things all his own way and I don't even realise how much I am accommodating him. I don't, he is is the youngest of 3, very little in this world revolves around him. I wish that people didn't learn things on a course and think they can apply them to families they don't really know. I don't mind helpful suggestions to try but the whole this is what he is like, this is why he does this and even though you think differently I know better approach should be outlawed imo.
As for autism being difficult for NT people, I guess it could be but I find DS easier to live with than anyone else (although that could change as we hit teenagerhood I know, he is just really straightforward and lives to have fun).

I've had it said to me by professionals that children with autism don't like to be touched. How ridiculous to make such a sweeping statemental. DS has always loved cuddles, tickles, strokes etc, since birth. He is now 4.6. He nestles into me when we cuddle and he falls asleep, it's just gorgeous. He seeks to hold hands, climbs into laps to read stories and for comfort etc.

good to hear I'm not alone frusso (and everyone else with similar children).

DH thinks (and tbf he usually has a point with these things) that I am wallowing a bit about this. He agrees that they are spouting a few things that don't apply to DS and that they are not listening to me (and of course I know best) but the reality is, DS is doing well, he is doing so well that he will over the course of the next 7 years show them himself that he has a great imagination, that he has empathy, that he isn't rigid (possibly) that he isn't a visual thinker. The main thing is that they are kind, they are encouraging him to do everything, they want him there, they are positive about autism in general. DH thinks that to a degree I am getting upset about this as they are not accepting my "expert" opinion on DS (and it is an "expert" opinion trust me, he is my specialist subject these days). My pride is hurt.

Thanks Frusso, I needed that

Thank you to Claw for links. I found them very helpful, especially the empathy one.

It's interesting isn't it oblomov. Most support in school focuses on helping kids understanding the emotions of others, when really it should focus on understanding your own emotions

Equally the next person that suggests visual time tables/now and next boards/social stories/or 'communicate in print' are likely to get the sharp side of my tongue. Yes this! Made me laugh!

I do know what you mean OP. I don't mind being given suggestions, it's when I open my mouth to say 'Well actually no DS isn't like that... ' and get totally ignored. I'm finding this happens surprisingly often! Almost like the ASD courses taught are very rigid... mmmm!

What I find really disturbing is when it's the diagnostic clinicians that come out with the myths sigh

Absolutely agree ..... Dd1 (age17) has not received a dx because she's ok with change, has a small group of friends, can get on a bus and goes to college. She wouldn't be able to do these things if she had asd

I'm furious, and upset .... dd2 has asd - so by their deductions this means she can never lead a normal life ...

I have no faith in the system, it seems they are deluded in their views. They just talked very stereotypical asd .... we all know on here this just isn't the case.