DP in denial over DS1

[Somethinginthecordelias]

I hope this is the right topic to post in. DS1 (3) has been referred for an ASD investigation by his nursery, but DP is refusing to believe there is anything there. (We're both women, just to avoid pronoun confusion!)

I've suspected something for a while, he's verbal but he rarely seems to have a conversation with anyone and spends a lot of time in his own world completely oblivious to everything around him to a much larger extent than most children his age.

An example that sticks out is that we enrolled him in a toddler football activity and while at the park a loud plane flew over relatively low. Every other child reacted (from excited to scared) but DS remained completely focused on playing with the grass as if he hadn't even heard it.

There are more examples but every time I try to discuss with DP she doesn't want to admit it's even a possibility. If I'm completely honest, I think I'm probably part of the problem... It seems so very obvious to me that I struggle to see how she can't see it. I'm finding it particularly hard to strike the balance between being supportive of her and trying to push for assessment because I know the earlier we can get support the better it will be for DS, especially when he starts school next year.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of this and how to tread the balance delicately?

I've not had experiance of this BUT it's very common for one partner to be in denial, so you aren't alone in that respect.

A quick question has he had his hearing checked?

It's seen very commonly here that one partner is usually much more attuned to something amiss - my DP was over a year behind me to see what I saw with ds, and to then admit we needed to press for assessment etc. in my case it was (as is so often the case) I was sahm and spent much much longer time with ds, especially around other children do could much more easily see differences. Dp told me once that any problems were because I didn't take ds to enough toddler groups

I have to respectfully disagree with zzzz - it's fine to have different views eg about what approach/therapy etc, but not helpful at all if the 'differing view' holds up any assessment, intervention or crucially, support at school.

Has DP has the conversations with nursery too OP? It does help you that they are also raising concerns, she can't do easily pass this off as any of your anxieties etc.

Give her time - as we all know it's a very difficult thing to have to face and accept, everyone has to come to see it for themselves. But I'd definitely let nursery push on with the assessments. All the best to you all

Hi, thanks for the responses!

His hearing has been checked a few times, no problems have ever shown up before so I think it must be okay.

For now DP is supporting the idea of assessment, the nursery originally raised it earlier in the year (he started in January) but she wanted to wait for a few months to see if it was just him taking a while to settle in. When we had the last meeting with them about it, they stressed that starting school could be very difficult if he doesn't have the means to access the support that they think he needs (I would agree with them) and I think I'm very concious of how quickly next September is approaching and starting to worry about that.

Slightly off-topic but zzzz an assessment - if it leads to a diagnosis - can mean getting an EHCP so has everything to do with support at school! Some very proactive schools might give support without but are under no obligation to do so, and may also only give the kind of support that they deem needed, which in reality may have no positive effect on the child at all. I agree that in many cases what happens at home can be more helpful and effective (that's definitely been our experience) but it's misleading and sorry to say but imo irresponsible to put someone off from seeking official support. At least with an EHCP parents have a much greater input into what support is given in school, and is unequivocal - without an EHCP parents are at the mercy of the whims of school who can withdraw support at any time if they feel like it. And though an EHCP is supposed to be needs-based rather than diagnosis-based, it's much more straightforward to get one with a diagnosis than without.

Zzzz- that's a great idea about emailing them, thanks! I'm definitely going to do that.

Bialystock what you're saying about support at school is very much the impression I got during the meeting at nursery when DP asked why they seemed so eager to push for assessment and not wait to see how school goes.

I would hope he'd get the support he needs either way though,, but I feel like if there is anything we can do to help secure that it can only be helpful.

We have an EHCP, full time 1:1, no diagnosis. It really should have nothing to do with a diagnosis -- if he's struggling at nursery or (crucially) failing to access the curriculum, he needs to have support.

It's reassuring to hear my worries about school are probably unfounded. I have no experience of any of this and my tendency to think the worst kicks in I think!

We've had a few meetings with nursery to set supports in place and I'd definitely like to be proactive with the school in identifying anything we can do to help. I know he struggles with some of the activities at nursery for various reasons and I do worry that will hinder him a lot more in school.

I'm sure many schools will be happy to work with parents to provide the support that the dc needs and that you agree on, but it is undeniable that you cannot rely on this. Schools CAN wriggle out of providing anything if it is not a statutory obligation.

Zzzz my point about the type of support is that eg a school may say "oh yes a child with autism, we'll give him teachh and visual aids". No good whatsoever for my ds. If we hadn't got our preferred type of support written into ds's statement there was no way on earth school would have provided it. That has been our experience. You have yours, which is clearly different. I totally agree that a dx does not automatically lead to support (ha!) - not suggesting that at all.

I agree with zzzzz on this. I don't typically. My Ds has a dx but no EHCP. The dx made no difference to the support he is getting at school. the school assess what is needed. If that works (and progress is made) great. But if not then (after school have tried everything they are supposed to/can) you can ask for an EHCP. Interestingly when my DS had no dx school were moving towards an EHCP. The time he acquired the dx coincided with a massive improvement in his engagement so school no longer feel an EHCP worth pursuing at present (and I think I agree, he is doing well as he is happy). That said OP press ahead for dx, what can it harm and if paed agrees it gives you a clear support to use against the "if you only socialised him a bit more" brigade etc. (Not that a dx makes much difference for my MIL, its still my fault but then most things are.)

Our senCo said having an asd diagnosis means higher banding on the ehcp funding, which of course funds more support and in our case access to a specific autism unit within the school.

A small update to this - I just wanted to say thank you so much to Jason for putting the idea of hearing back into our heads. We decided to pay privately for an assessment and they found that DS has mild hearing loss on the left side and moderate hearing loss on the right side.

They've ruled out glue ear but other than that we aren't sure about the cause or if its something he's always had (despite passing the NHS checks!), we're still waiting for a referral from our GP to the NHS team. It was a big shock but it does make a lot of sense and hopefully now we've kick started it with the assessment we can get on with helping DS.

We feel quite guilty because we were sure everything was okay after he'd passed all the checks - you believe the experts when they tell you there's no problem!

Hopefully when the referral comes through we might get some more answers. Neither of us know anything about hearing loss so we're still at the plunged in at the deep end stage a bit!

I'm honestly so grateful to all of you for your replies, as I say we'd kind of put a tick in the hearing check box until then. The nursery are already putting things in place to help DS, no more telling him off for ignoring instructions shouted out in tbe busy room (which breaks my heart to think of now), so its helped enormously in a very short time period.