How to encourage DD to play independently, and more interested in play generally?

[brightbelle]

Hi everyone, I am hoping to get advice on how to encourage my ASD DD to play independently and generally to be more interested in play.

While I know I should spend a lot of time with her to engage and teach her, as she's still minimally verbal, it is important to me that she can engage in meaningful play herself even for a while so I can cook and do some house stuff. If I don't engage her in play or any activity she may just lie down 'playing' with a sheet of paper or some random objects/ wander around home/ look out of Windows, but I can't leave her alone like this as I feel like I'm not doing good enough and it's a waste of time. When I need time to do own stuff I will take out play houses or books or different toys with a hope that she will engage herself with them but she would usually pay limited attention and quickly move into her own world. She is a quick learner if she's on 1:1 with an adult and on things that highly motivate her - I've thought of hiring a person to just play with her or do the housework for me but it's not affordable with therapies school fees etc.

Also generally speaking I feel that she's disinterested in so many things that I find it difficult to engage her. Is there any way I can broaden her interests? Her carers at different nurseries and her speech therapist had described her as intelligent and bright, and it pains me to think about how she can progress and build on her potentials if she can't even play effectively without adult support.

Many thanks!

How a child should play is how they choose to play, as long as it makes them happy, surely?

Why not try the whole sentence? The sentence that is "the way apples imagine children should play". When adults try to encourage play they often miss the way children react to objects, thinking of a baby doll as something to feed and nurture and not, perhaps, as something that might like to learn to fly. So it is precisely with the aim of not prescribing how children should play that the sentence says involve other children so you don't end up prescribing play as an adult sees it should be done.

Facepalm

Flipping keyboard, that was adults, not apples

thinking of a baby doll as something to feed and nurture and not, perhaps, as something that might like to learn to fly* or the idea that it is a gateway leads to more desirable play my feeling is that there is some idea at the root of this that isn't great. (by that I mean is ill thought out not evil or nasty so please don't misunderstand, I am discussing, nothing more)

My feeling is that the idea that children with asd lack imaginative play has lead to a feeling that this needs "fixing" whereas (if I agreed they do which I don't necessarily) I think this is a resulting behaviour NOT a deficit. teaching a child to seem to play imaginatively is not going to make them less autistic

Ah no, I think you are simply misunderstanding where I am going with it - poor wording on my part. As adults we often unintentionally play with children with an agenda and with a fixed idea of how it's done and how to interact with each object. Children, lacking that fixed idea, play in a more fluid way and they don't tend to worry about whether things are possible or not, likely or unlikely, usual or unusual, they just play. Freeing a child up from the need to play in a way which serves our ends and just to play in a way that simply is can create a greater sense of relaxation and freedom for their play style to be shown.

It wasn't "bring round children who play right to show your child how to play right" it was "remove the potential anxiety over this child's play style being under the microscope by providing a non-judgemental companion who plays in a childlike manner and will not worry about whether the way they play fits into an established world view or not".

I think that there is a bit of a mis/preconception that parents teach their children some of these skills with the goal that they will appear less autistic and are in some way not accepting their children's autism. This may happen, but not much in my experience. It's not about desirable behaviour at all, but enabling enjoyable experiences. The other thing is that some autistic children have the skills and happily engage in NT stuff that other autistic children can't. Helping your child go beyond their immediate limits is not denying their autism. Of course, if the aim is to teach your child to pretend to be NT, then obviously, that is shit and will only lead to misery.

It's about demonstrating possibilities, not stating which one is good or bad. Of course show them 2, 10, 20, 50, 1000 possible ways to play so they have experiences to draw from in making choices of which follow up on. If they then, from the toolbox of 1000 options, pick the same one every time, that's a choice rather than a lack of exposure, skills, options. It's why we raise children with wide experiences not in a darkened basement? We don't take every child to ballet to become a ballerina, every child to football be David Beckham, to the zoo to become a zoologist, we're showing them the world. How does a child have examples of possible play to pick from if they don't see play done in several ways? For a child to find their own path you at least show them that there are paths. That's not the same as giving them a map and a route.

It's DD herself who likes to make the lists of options, and she'd run everyone else's life with them too given half a chance!

And some are strategies for playing with other children because she's expressed a desire to have friends but doesn't understand why they won't do things entirely 100% her way and why they get annoyed if she's made them play her game then wanders off when it's time for her to support theirs.

I think this is a resulting behaviour NOT a deficit. teaching a child to seem to play imaginatively is not going to make them less autistic any more than masking the hormones in your pee so you don't trigger a pregnancy test will make you less pregnant

If I understand correctly; learning the child with ASD, to play imaginatively, is more to do with social imagination? Rigidity?

Ds didn't really have issues with rigidity, though he was delayed. But when I helped him with his imagination skills; he became less rigid as a whole....I can't quite explain it.

It's so weird how you can tell where the child is developmentally at by the way they play. When DS was rigid in his play...eg.. not allowing people to play with him, this also reflected outside...

Anywhoo; OP I agree with you. I don't think stimming is bad, but I find that when I leave DS to his stimming, especially when playing, it was like he was locked in... or for example; say like DS just kept on banging blocks repetitively in his play, I felt like if I didn't intervene and helped him to expand his play, he wouldn't progress as such. When I did lots of turn taking games at home with DS; this worked a treat when I took him out. So before when I took DS out somewhere, he didn't like to go to a particular (boring) place of my choosing, he wanted to go to where he wanted to go. So as I did lots of turn taking games with him...and when I did take him out, I would tell to DS "It's my turn (to go to the shop), then it will be your turn to go (wherever he wanted to go". This enormously helped him.

The power of play is indeed powerful.

OP; I really recommend you to get the book from the teachmetotalk website called "TEACH ME TO PLAY WITH YOU" manual. It lists and gives instructions on how to play with your child..what to say etc and on the back of the manual (book) it gives you a list of the common concerns regarding play...eg if a child has difficulty turn taking, it will give you ideas on how to help your child deal with turn taking and so on.

Can you find what your child like, that can transfer into useful play? When DS was younger, he would stack things, and he liked to build things. So I brought him jenga; taught him how to play with the blocks and he will do it himself..I also got him lego and he liked to look at the instructions whilst building it. This in a way expanded his play skills and allowed him to enjoy an activity.

OP! you say your daughter likes playing with sheets of paper. I really recommend you go to your local library and find a book about sensory games activity, maybe this is sensory...so the book will suggests some sensory games you can try with her.

You might be able to tutor your child to "pass" the ados in this way (I doubt it but you might) but the child will still be autistic and have all the difficulties that describes

I personally don't want DS to be "less" autistic or pass the ados, he will always have autism. But isn't it best to give your child opportunities? I found that when DS was rigid in his play, this reflected outside...eg. DS has trouble crossing the street, even when he sees the cars, he would just cross the street, not taking into regard that he may get hurt. At the time, I thought it was bizarre, I just couldn't get it. Till I realised that this was something to do with his lack of social imagination...DS couldn't imagine the possibility that if he crosses the road, when a car comes by, he would get hit. That's my theory anyway .

Also; when I expanded DS imagination skills, it did help him ALOT in the way he reacted in the social world. Like I said above, the power of play is powerful!

I'm not going to be here forever. But it's my job as a parent, SEN or not, to teach my DS valuable life skills in order for him to live in the world. He will always have autism (this isn't his diagnosis, but along the same thing kinda) but I hope that the skills I teach him..through play, through learning how to speak/socialise, being independent..he will function in the world to a certain degree.

For a child to find their own path you at least show them that there are paths. That's not the same as giving them a map and a route.

Well said cleanser. You have restored my faith in this particular forum!

Sorry, claennister not cleanser!!

but I wouldn't describe teaching turn taking and bargaining as the result of teaching a child to play.

I think turn taking and so forth is teaching a child how to play..in a sense that the child will be able to turns (back and forth) during play with another person.

Once again thanks all for the replies and opinions. I am intrigued by the different perspectives and constructive discussions presented here, which wasn't I expected when I posted the question. So really thanks!

Claennister dd is aware of my emotional state but to what extent she cares I can't really tell. There are times that it is obvious she just sits through playing with me because she knows this is what I want - as she looks bored sometimes - but there are also times that she would reject engaging with me in an activity right from the start. Sometimes I do think it depends on her mood really one thing about her is she has been a very easygoing child since she was a baby - I feel that she doesn't really see the need to request for things and maybe in general lacks motivation to ask for things, and that has extended even to play. She is happy to sit with you on an activity when 'requested' (at least that's from her PoV I think) or being shown/reminded the opportunity to play with something, but if left alone she tends not to remember that she has those toys/games!

And I also agree with you that it's about exposure to different possibilities/experiences that matters here. I do understand the importance of free play, but some kids, whether SN or not, need more guidance and support to learn that there are different ways to approach a problem - for example with a ball you can kick throw roll pat it, but some children may only know they can only throw it and need demonstrations about other ways you can play with a ball. Given that play is so important in the early years, I just hope that if I can teach her to be more interested in it and know that there are a lot of other fun things in the world apart from playing with papers and wandering around she can learn the skills that are transferable to the outside world as she grows.

amunt - Helping your child go beyond their immediate limits is not denying their autism - yes, I think whether NT or ASD if my dd exhibits limitations in her play skills I would have asked the same question and sought for advice. ASD is a diagnosis, maybe a label useful to access some support services, but I am not going to let it discourage me from assisting her to go beyond what she seems to be able to do at the moment.

notgiving thanks for your recommendation on the book. I have got the Teach me to Talk manual but not the Play book. I will check it out for sure - just that the delivery cost is massive as far as I remember! I will also check if there are any sensory games activity books in my local library. Dd does have sensory seeking behaviour but not to an extent that bothers her; she does enjoy tactile activity - but again, as said, I just need to sit beside her all the time to get her engaged!