In asking you to help my sister - son going into residential care

[2littlepiggies]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone can offer any guidance or support to my lovely sister at a very difficult time. Her son, my DNephew (16) is going into residential soon as he has learning difficulties and epilepsy and is difficult to manage at home as he's got older.
They have found an amazing place and couldn't be happier with it. He's visited and loved it.

Of course my sister is feeling extreme guilt, sadness, anger, and a whole host of other emotions I can't begin to imagine at such a difficult decision as a mother.
She said she wants to disappear and she's devastated to the pit of her soul . She is very up and down at the moment, so I thought of MN.

Has anyone been through this? Any advice is welcome. Thank you

My ds is in a residential school now although we have him home at weekends and holidays. I also felt immense guilt around the decision but it has been v good for him and for us. He has more activities there and they work on him developing his life skills. When we see him he is happy to be at home and his behaviour is much better on weekends. We have more resources and are less stressed which helps to look after him more effectively. Your sister is bound to have misgivings and worries but it will probably turn out to be the best decision for her and her ds. Having said that dont underestimate hiw much she will miss him. I still have a cry now and then about it.

SN chat board. It is actually quite active. Just some questions are specific and replies are to the point. There's been a recent poster in the same situation and many of us know we face the same agonising decisions in the future
Have a look at this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_chat/2677088-When-do-you-call-it-a-day
There's real support among mnetters with sn children and huge amounts of experience.

Op, I volunteer with people who have learning disabilities. Most live in specialist accommodation. They are still close with their parents, but they get to be the adults they are. Your sister is definitely doing the best thing. You also sound a great sister, by the way.

It's a fantastic opportunity for the young man.
Look at the positives for him.
Everyone I knowwhose dc have gone to rsidwntial school.or college have always been positive. Am waiting to hear if ds has place in supported living house opening up near me it will be great...

I work with AS teens myself in a special school (though ours go home at night), almost all of which are non verbal and severely Autistic.
We have a fabulous time. We swim once a week, take trips out to parks, restaurants, walk to the local town, grow veggies on a plot, sing, dance, run and most importantly, laugh...a lot!

The right environment can make a huge difference to a child and I suspect that this will be the making of him. Your sister is doing exactly the right thing for him, and though it will be hard for her at the start she'll start seeing the changes soon enough.

Thank you for all your replies my sister found them really helpful

This post has really helped me today x

How wonderful for him! Places like that where the child and parent are happy with it are like gold dust.

Lucky, lucky lad!!!

Wishing him the very best with his new life, and his move towards independence and adulthood!

DSis could look at it like this - statistically, she and DP are likely to die before DC. If he lives at home until then, he will be faced with moving to a residential care home while grieving over their death(s)! Much better for him to move, while they are alive, can talk to him on the telephone and visit to help him with the transition. Besides which, one day they will feel too old to look after him? Better to get him into the best place they can find, when a place has come up rather leave it to the LA or CCG, who will send him to the cheapest they can find at short notice, and which may not be able to meet all his needs in the long run!

He will probably have more opportunities to meet people his own age; his peers and try out a wider range of hobbies, than he would at home!

(Dd has just moved into specialist residential care, where they have given her a job on the farm; she is so proud to have a job, and she loves animals anyway! She is on the whole really happy)

This looks like it’s actually an old post from 2016 - but it’s great that is helped Partridge to be able to read it.

Marshmallow yes thanks it has - any experiences of anyone who has gone through this are very welcome. My head is spinning with it all, I just know I can’t carry on like this.