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Original poster

Friends baby doesn't seem right......

9 replies

caspercat · 03/02/2007 23:29

Please don't hate me for this.
DD now 6.5 mths. Have good friends met through NCT, so obv all babies close in age. One friends baby just seems....slower. Thought it was only me that noticed it, but gradually have learnt this is not the case. Friends baby only 10 days behind mine, and ~ 4 wks older than mutual friends, but the difference is startling. She just seems to be unresponsive, has a glazed expression, never smiles, i've never seen her attempt to sit up, hates tummy time (though i know a lot of other babies not keen on this!), holds head permanently to one side, tongue constantly sticks out etc. In the beginning, we were all envious that her baby seemed to just sleep & feed, whereas now all she seems to do is sleep and cry.
My dd is very spirited and hard work, and maybe this baby is just placid (which i'd love sometimes, tbh!), but obviously parents get used to the bubbs they have.
Not really sure what feedback i'm after, just wondered if anyone experienced the same thing and any thoughts? Obviously not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation....

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 03/02/2007 23:34

Why would you need to bring it up in conversation?

If the difference is, as you say, startling, her parents will have noticed (and will, no doubt, be worried as anything about it).

When you say you've learnt that other people have noticed, how do you know? Have you talked to them about it? Really would advise you not to, since if it got back to this woman that you were all talking about her "slow baby" she'll be devastated.

Babies do develop at different rates. There may very well be something different about this baby, but it may also be that she's just slower to develop, but perfectly normal. 6.5m isn't late to be sitting up, for instance. Plenty of utterly normal babies don't manage it till they're older than 8 months.

Just be there for your friend. If she has concerns and wants to talk to you about them, she will. But she won't if she thinks you and the others in the NCT group are pitying her.

Original poster

caspercat · 03/02/2007 23:54

God it's a long story! This mums family do not live in UK. Please believe we are not talking about her. My MIL visited recently and came to one of our activities, and asked me off her own back. Friends of mine who didn't know i knew this mum until recently said they had seen her at 'events' and wondered if her baby was o.k. I really am not a gossip, and we don't pity her, i guess i just hope that if there is a problem she will feel she can talk to somebody, but i guess we won't know till that day comes

OP posts:

lourobert · 04/02/2007 07:47

As hunkermunker said your friends baby could be absolutly fine and just slower to develop than the 'average' baby or there may well be some sort of problem.

If the difference really is that big then your friend, im sure, will have noticed. Even when my baby was born healthy and scored apgar scores of 10 I always knew that somethng wasnt going to be ok. If the difference is startling then alarm bells would have rung for her and health professionals Im sure

Coming to the realisation that your child isnt as healthy as you first thought is a very very lonely time and if your friend has no family here then she is going to need your support.

I wouldnt bring it up with her, she'll talk to you when ready

Troutpout · 04/02/2007 08:12

Yes i agree ... don't mention it.The baby could just be slower at reaching the milestones. 6 and a half months is definitely not late with attempting to sit. Either the baby will catch up with the other babies at some point or you friend will mention it if she starts to worry about it herself. Just continue to be a support to your friend..she may need you in the future.

Alethia · 05/02/2007 01:37

I would agree with not mentioning it directly, but maybe try to become a closer friend so that she knows you're open to confidence. It's possible that she hasn't noticed. I don't think that it's right to bring it up with her unless she's a very close friend, or you have some professional credentials. You could try and direct a conversation along certain lines by asking how certain checkups have gone with the Health Visitor. Hopefully she's just developing at a different rate, but if there is something wrong, discovering now or in a few months time probably won't make much difference. If her mum's living in ignorant bliss just now, it may be kinder to let her stay there a bit longer.

Original poster

caspercat · 05/02/2007 17:49

Thanks all. Have no intention of mentioning it to her, just wondered if anyone been in similar situations. Will wait and see, keeping everything crossed that her baby is just chilled and placid!!

OP posts:

Aloha · 05/02/2007 18:00

You cannot say anything. It would be desperately hurtful. But if the difference is that startling, the parents will have noticed and probably be very worried. All you can do is be a very good friend, be there if there is some bad news, don't show off about your baby in front of her - ie be tactful - and if her baby does have a problem, don't stop being her friend (you'd be surprised how often that happens) and continue doing normal things with her. Go out for a drink without kids. Make her feel included. And if she does start at some point in the future to talk about any worries, just let her talk, don't barge in with advice or scaremongering, but say, 'look, you know your baby best. I think she's lovely, and you are a fantastic mother, but if you have worries why not talk to your GP/HV whatever.' And if there is a problem down the line, never, ever say, 'Oh yes, we thought something was wrong' or anything remotely like it, but also never say, 'are you sure?' This baby is too young to be sure of anything, however. You know what, if your friends do start talking about this baby, it would be fantastic if you could put a stop to it. People can tell if they are being talked about and pitied, and it would be horrible.

Original poster

caspercat · 05/02/2007 19:37

You talk a lot of sense, Aloha. She IS a beautiful bay, and she IS a brilliant mother and i would certainly do everything i can to be there for her, no matter what.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/02/2007 19:46

No, for gods sake dont talk to her about it.

She will talk to you in her own time, if she wants to, if there really is a problem. It's still early days yet though.

Went through this with a good friend. I never asked once, until she mentioned something about it herself. We would talk about whatever it was she mentioned, then move on from it.

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