How do I teach Dd to think about how others feel

[Waitingforsleep]

Dd undiagnosed- has difficulty putting herself Into other shoes. I may ask "how do you think I feel?" Or her brother etc and she will say "I don't know"
How do I teach her?
She will often say "sad" yesturday she was good and said "frustrated " which I thought was good.
She then confuses me by thinking about how others may feel and think and saying things like " i put a label on X so that my classmates know what it is"
She always passes the damn theory of mind tests so and is very sociable so I can't get a dx.

So it's all about how I can intervene.

So how can I work on this with her? She needs to understand how she acts has an impact on others..

Any any other tips, I'm still rock bottom and struggling :(

I can’t advise on lashing out at her brother (my DS is an only) but maybe try not to worry about her being rude when she asks you for things. Manners are a long term thing. In the short term, what worked for us was to try to respond to the content of what my DS said and not the way he said it. If she is hungry and shrieking then calmly say “you are hungry? Here is your snack”. She is communicating what she wants in the best way she can. Better for her to shriek “hungry” and know you will help than for her to give up and say nothing, or to hit someone in frustration (my DS used to do that!)

My DS has an Asperger’s diagnosis, he is extremely verbal BUT he loses his ability to communicate as soon as he wants something. He really and truly can’t ask for things. Or at least he couldn’t, and his ability is still patchy. He used to shriek with frustration while I went through a list of things he might want (Drink? Flannel? Biscuit?) until he could finally say “yes”. Then again he suddenly came out with “please pause the TV I want to go for a wee” and I nearly feel off the sofa with shock! As polter says, feeling calm and relaxed makes a big difference to what kids can do.

One other thing you can try is to name her own feelings and sensations for her. Obviously you can’t do it for complicated emotions, but if her toy wont work and she’s getting angry then you can say “you are frustrated” as you fix it. And remember to name nice emotions and feelings too “this ice cream tastes yummy” or “happy” if she is relaxed and smiling, and smile and use a warm voice yourself. It takes a long time and it doesn’t have an immediate effect but it’s worth doing. Being able to recognise her own feelings is a first step to being able to understand other people’s. It may be that actually she doesn’t understand her own feelings as well as she appears to.

I know that social stories are supposed to be written in the first person (I/me) but DS found that quite overwhelming. I used to explain things in a social story style but in a more neutral way. Also my DS got a lot of mileage from watching TV programs - Tracy Beaker was great at that age for showing kids interacting and friendship and caring about each other’s feelings, and he loved the programme because Tracey always got the better of the grown-ups

Anyway, I hope you find some ideas that work for you and your DD

PS Also if you want her to think about how she makes other people feel then try to highlight things she says or does that make you or her brother feel good. Whenever she does something nice (or half-nice) tell her how kind/helpful/generous/organised she was and how pleased/happy/proud you feel and how happy DS is. Avoid asking her how she thinks people feel if the answer is “bad” (or at least not too often) because that may make her shut off.