HFA diagnosis, aged 6.5. tell him or not?

[SophieofShepherdsBush]

I think this has been done before, but just want some reassurance that we are doing the right thing. New diagnosis, ds in MS school. We need to tell him he's autistic right? Using the word autistic instead of hedging about it with phrases like "special" and "different". And his peers and siblings should be told too? Just thinking of potential for bullying, exclusion, self esteem etc and I think it's better if it's all positive and in the open....but I have doubts too....once it's out there there's no going back, and I'd hate it to emphasise his differences in a way that makes him a target. He's the odd naughty kid at the moment though (to his peers and siblings), surely its better to tell them all and be positive? School say it's up to us, they are very goid about being inclusive and celebrating differences and making allowances and helping the kids understand without actually using th "label". Would it be better to just continue like this? Confused!

Me: hey DS, you know your brain and how it sometimes works differently to your pals?

DS: yeah

Me: turns out there's a name for that. It's called autism.

DS: cool. Can I have fish fingers for tea?

It really was as simple and straightforward as that. Obviously that's not the only conversation we've had about it! But just keep it factual and simple.

I don't think the teacher should be telling anyone though - it's your DS's diagnosis and up to him with whom he shares it. Can't imagine anything more cringe than the teacher announcing it at circle time. And watch out that they don't want him to stand up and talk about it at assembly, which I have heard of. I don't think that's at all appropriate, personally.

I think you mean that you disagree with the reasons.
No, I mean they are flawed. They are illogical reasons that do not stand up to challenge.

There are 4 disadvantages for telling them listed
1: If the information confuses them you have probably over-complicated it, and it doesn't matter that much if they are a bit confused, it will make sense over time. Kids get confused by lots of things, it is part of learning.
2: There is no reason that telling them they are different is negative! Talk about how everyone is different and that is a good thing.
3: Don't accept it as an excuse.
4: Don't break the news negatively then.

Then there are 3 reasons listed as advantages for not telling them.
1: It allows them to go further without a label? What the hell does that even mean? A label is a diagnosis. Diagnosis doesn't harm a child, it helps them.
2: They will discover who they are anyway. They are not the ones with any pre-conceived ideas about what autism means. It's more likely to help them understand why they do some things differently to their peers.
3: They are autistic. No-one gets to split different characteristics and attribute them to their autistic part or their non-autistic part. I find this last point quite irritating actually. They are who they are. All of their positives are part of them as a whole person.

You have every right to disagree but there isn't a single argument on that blog that makes sense and I find it all very disrespectful to children.
This is about the child's rights to information about themselves.

If your child doesn't understand then how can it possibly harm them to tell them? If you use it in conversation in front of them it will become familiar and when they want to know more, they will be able to ask.

Oh and yes it is very much a moral issue.

But we could debate it all night and get nowhere.

I agree.

I dont think the teacher should address the class formally at circle time.....more like

-miss look at ds, he's being naughty
-no, he's not being naughty, its just his autism.

And then answer any questions that arise.....
Dh has now told me he thinks telling ds is a bad idea anyway. Im going to show him this thread.

-miss look at ds, he's being naughty
-no, he's not being naughty, its just his autism.

Eek

NOooooo Bad idea.
It's not "his autism" at all, it's him being him.

Ugh. The semantics are so tricky. I wish I knew how this should be done!

It seems a word in the wrong place can do a lot of damage. Just want to do what's best for him, mske things easy for him.

How should the teacher tell the others then, if we decide to go with telling all? I hate the idea of s formal talk.

I guess no rush in some ways, but in others I think it might need to be done sooner rather than later. His very astute little brother will be joining his class and he's going to start asking questions even if Ds1 doesn't.

I haven't told DS yet - he's just turned 7. I've no problem telling him and probably will soon. It's just he's completely happy and seems to have great self esteem so it hasn't been an issue yet. He has worked out himself he is different but sees it as a very positive thing.

Maybe when he starts back in school this year I might tell him as school is the place he tends to have issues in. He sometimes gets angry when they have to do some work he doesn't want to do or which he sees as pointless. Or occasionally he gets annoyed at other children and perceives them as 'bullies' but when he describes what they've done it doesn't sound at all like they were bullying him.

Maybe if he understands why he acts like this he might be open to considering things that might alleviate it.

I wasn't really thinking that the teacher eoukd use his autism as an excuse for naughtiness, more like when he's doing something that's not naughty but different, and other kids say he's being naughty, which happens all the time.....but the wording us all wrong.....you're right PPs.

Thanks everyone, I need to reread links and discuss again with dh, but all input and advice gratefully received. We've been waiting for this diagnosis for years, known it was coming for years, but now we have it we feel more lost than ever!

TBH any teacher confronted by 'Miss! Child x is being naughty' should shut that right down. DS has had some great teachers and some not so great teachers, but even with the not so great ones, that's the kind of scenario they'll close down with a simple 'thank you child y, please get on with your work.' A teacher really shouldn't be looking to explain any behaviour to another child:

Miss, child X is being naughty!
Yes child A, that's because his parents were drug users who neglected him and now he's being fostered, which means we all have to be a little understanding.

Miss, Child Y is being naughty!
Yes child A, that's because his dad just died, isn't that terrible? We'll all just have to cut him a little bit of slack.

Miss, Child Z is being naughty!
Yes Child A, that's because he's a little shit with the most annoying mother I've ever come across in 25 years' of teaching. Unfortunately she's the HT's best pal, so we'll have to cut them a little bit of slack.

They shouldn't engage or explain. Tbh there are so many different needs in a school these days that if they engaged or explained in every situation they'd never get anything done!

I honestly think you're overthinking this part of it, but I see that I'd missed how new the diagnosis is - you don't have to decide anything just now, you can just sit with it for a bit and absorb it, before telling anyone - DS included

The teacher can talk generally about how people are all different and we all have different strengths and need more help in different areas. Then explain that your DS is autistic and that means he might need to do some things in a different way to other children and that ok because that's how he learns.
If he is behaving in an unusual way, that's because that is what works for him or that's because he is finding this situation difficult so he needs.....

There's no rush to tell his peers. Kids are amazingly perceptive and they will learn if he needs to do things a certain way. Lots of young kids can be amazingly supportive of that.

Thsnks Lonny

Yeah, I think I am over thinking it. Tbh I'm struggling with managing him at home and feel a bit like we are failing him...don't want to get this bit wrong as well as feeling like wr haven't s clue how to help him! It's been a long summer!

It's ok, honest it is. No matter if you've been expecting it, no matter if it's actually going to be the most helpful thing ever, getting the dx is a head fuck. You don't have to do anything right away.

DS has been a much, much happier child since he discovered he was autistic. It's not smooth sailing and there are times he says he hates it - the sensory challenges that make going out hard, mostly - but he already knew he was different, and scared of a lot of things, and now he knows the cause, and that there are some advantages, and some costs, and support with the latter. And it helped. He found out 4 months before he turned 7, and his peers had a lesson led by the Advisory Teaching Service lead explaining his differences and that they needed to be very honest and direct as he didn't understand body language. And they are really understanding, now, those kids. Parents, too. He's a lot less isolated than he was.

I also think it's like adoption, in that the old way was not to tell kids, and then people found out as teenagers or even adults and were devastated. The thinking now is that honesty and warmth and openess is the only way to create a happy childhood. Secrets damage, and as you say, autistic children tend to get labelled anyway: weird, naughty, violent, annoying. Allowances for difference can't be made if nobody realises the need.