4yo DS with SN, potty training resistance and school

[Choosparp]

Youngest DS has had SEN involvement at preschool. Mainly language development and problems integrating in group activities. I think his key worker at preschool was fairly convinced it was ASD, but the SENCO pushing more down a route of developmental delay at the moment. All have been very helpful and supportive, and the SENCO from the school he is starting in a few weeks was at the last meeting with preschool. We have a transition plan in place and I'm feeling reasonably ok about him going.

He's still in nappies though. School have put an intimate care plan in place as back up, but one of our actions was to really try and get him out of nappies before September. We've had several attempts over the last year - he will happily wear pants but never wants to go on the loo. He used to reluctantly sit on it (too big for a potty) and although nothing much would happen he would read a book or chat to us. Now it's got to the point where he is really fighting it. He DOES NOT WANT to sit on the toilet, and can't explain why (he's not all that good with open ended questions - when I ask why he just says "because I don't"). This evening I tried to put him on the loo before his bath and he arched his back and fought me.

Should I be worried about him starting school in pull ups? I have absolutely no idea what percentage of kids still have toilet issues in foundation. I don't think he will understand anything like peer pressure - the fact that his older brother and step-sister who he adores both use the toilet is neither here nor there to him. But I don't want him to be picked on for it at school. He was really happy after his mornings at school at the end of last term.

My gut feeling is to stop trying to get him on the loo - he gets so angry and worked up. He has no sense of time - next week, next year and tomorrow are all the same. He says he won't wear nappies when he is bigger. School starts in two weeks but this evening he said "We're not going to school now are we? It's late".

Sorry for the ramble. I think that after a turbulent year I'm finally starting to realise I need the support of other SN parents.

Thank you PolterGoose. I haven't been on MN much since my 10yo DS was small, many years ago. I will back off I think on the potty training. DS2 has had so much change in his little 4yo life - his father (my husband) died when he was 7 months old. We now live with my new husband, a widower, and his daughter. We are a great blended family but DS2 was so small when it all happened. He is baffled.

I've actually just toilet trained ds2 in time for school. This is only for weeing, currently he asks for a nappy to poop and we'll tackle that one later as it's not relevant for school.

Ds will be 5 in October, so older in the year and we tried toilet training in May but he really wasn't ready. His primary considered it a non-issue if he was still in nappies and he doesn't understand peer pressure or anything so that aspect wasn't a worry.

We do standing up wees, it can be a bit messy but unless he saw the wee coming out and going into the loo he really didn't get it. I thought given how many times he pooped in the day it was vital he learnt to go on the toilet but turned out he could hold it for 2 days! Hence the giving him a nappy to use because I know if he got constipated we'd have much bigger issues.

Ds has had to really learn the sensations and would become distressed if we took him but nothing happened. So there were accidents, which distressed him but less than the toilet but he'd watched Elmo's Potty Time a lot so we just sang the accidents happen song from it.

I would go with your gut feeling at this stage and take all the stress out of it and try again later. This is because I know with my own Ds stress means he's less able to cope and learn and it becomes more about the resisting because of previous stress.

Thanks both. I might try standing up to wee - seeing it come out is a good point I hadn't thought of. I think he's slightly scared of being flushed away when sitting on the loo, as he leaps out of the bath the minute the plug is pulled and gets quite panicky until any remaining toys are "rescued". Also going to invest in a new seat or two - the ones we have are a bit wobbly and that probably doesn't help.

Reassuring to hear the general theme of "ok to wear nappies at school", though. Thank you.