Thank you. She is on the iPad too much. We used to limit it hugely until her paed said she needed it to take time out. She now gets incredibly anxious if we tell her it is going to be put away and can trigger a meltdown in itself. I'm also very tired - she doesn't sleep despite all the intervention we could get and she sleeps in my bed (DH sleeps in another room) so is easier to let her stay on it 
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zzzzz thank you for the list, it's good to hang some thoughts on. The last good day was a day when she was more or less on control of what we did. She lacks a logical approach to what is reasonable (once had a melt down over not going to Paris at that very moment despite calm explanation as to why that couldn't happen - she has never been, just saw it on CBBC).
Triggers are - other children/ not understanding the game at all/ wanting desperately to join in but hugely frustrated that she can't keep up. Also too many/few things in a day. iPad removal. Shoes (sometimes), clothes (if not right feel), clothes (if not what she deems suitable for the place/occasion). Things not happening in the way she has decided they will happen (often doesn't tell us though so we get it wrong without knowing). Not being given the correct food, served in the correct way, immediately. Bedtime (but this has improved with melatonin- she gets to sleep but still can't sleep through ). And some others.
She only had apps that I have let her have, she mostly likes toddler games and minecraft. I let her watch you tube but only 4 specific channels that I have subscribed her to (she will not deviate from them because it's her rule she sticks to - any time she has ever accidentally done that she has immediately told me she has gone on it and switched it off again). She also watched CBBC on it.
Running round yelling (her not me) is the only thing that distracts her from meltdown.
DD2 is just about to be 9 and doesn't cope well with DD1 and just wants her to be easier to be with. She has lots of anxiety issues (and while I don't think she has ASD I think she shows lots of traits). It's fair to say she doesn't get as much input as DD2 but they both know how much we love and care for them. She also hates when DD2 hurts me and tries to help which (while lovely) is really not good for her. I have talked to her about it not being her responsibility and I'm the adult and can handle it (in a really nice way) I know it does affect her.
School is easier because there is less opportunity for spontaneity (from her). But she is much less happy during term time. It's like term takes out the highs and lows which the holidays inject back into her.
Will read back over this in the morning to see if I can see a way through. Thank you fir your input, makes me feel less isolated. 