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Original poster

How can I deal with difficult playground situations for ds (Aspergers)?

37 replies

Aloha · 22/01/2007 16:34

Ds is doing well at school most of the time. He likes the classroom, but like lots of children on the spectrum (he is at the milder end and academically very capable), is struggling at break times. He gets picked on a bit and it is putting him off school. For example, this morning I was trying to find out why he was crying about going to school and he is being pushed in the playground, made fun of, and also, when he tries to play with people 'they give me away mummy. They take me over to someone, say, 'you play with him' and run away'
Found out some of the pushing is by a boy with more severe special needs so was able to explain to ds that this boy wasn't very good at making friends, and he doesn't dislike ds he just doesn't know how to behave, just like some children can't run fast, and other children can't read etc, and he was totally OK with that. It is MUCH harder to explain NT behaviour to him! Anyhoo...today arrived at school to be handed his trousers in a carrier bag and told he had had an accident. Fine, but odd as he never, ever does. Get home, find out he was punished in the playground by being made to stand by the wall, and he was told not to move, so was too afraid to tell them he needed the loo. Further questioning reveals he was punished for showing his bottom. Why? "because two girls were playing a game with me. They were spitting at me (not at each other, btw) to see who could be the rudest...and so I thought I'd win by showing my bottom." When ds tries to explain this to the playground supervisor he's told he's lying and is the only one punished. I am pretty certain he is telling the truth btw. Now, I'm not going to barge in all enraged etc, but I do want to find ways to help ds in a situation where he clearly out of his depth and honestly cannot tell if someone is playing with him or being mean. Any advice?

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Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 16:35

Oh, he's five and in reception btw.

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coppertop · 22/01/2007 16:51

We've been going through something similar recently with ds1 (6yrs).

I think the staff who are doing the supervising in the playground need to be made aware that ds is likely to take things literally. If told that he is not to move then that is what he will do, even if it means wetting himself in the process. There probably isn't any funding available for training but could the school SENCO perhaps prepare a sheet of A4 covering the basics?

What worked well with my ds1 was his teacher talking to the class about not playing the rougher games in the playground. Not only did it calm the children down a bit but ds1 also learned from it that if he told his teacher about problems he was having she would sort them out for him.

IME the lunchtime supervisors aren't that great about resolving these things. I was when ds1 told me about an incident where he had told the supervisor that another boy had hurt him and was simply told "Well stay away from him then." They tend not to pass on the information to the relevant teacher. If ds will do this (and ds1 is only just starting to in Yr2) then encourage him to tell his teacher about incidents when he goes back to class. It's the only way that the teacher will get a clear and full picture of what is happening IME.

Teaching ds how to recognise when someone is joking around or bullying him will be a tricky one. I think there are specific social stories for this kind of thing. IIRC there is also a section on the NAS website about this. I think they call it "Anti-bullying strategies" and "Anti-bullying support". I need to have a look for it myself so will let you know if I find anything relevant.

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 16:59

Yes, think I must get a meeting with the Senco specifically on the playground stuff. Good idea. And yes, there seems to be little communication between classroom and playground. Am really worried about this atm.

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coppertop · 22/01/2007 17:02

It's horrible, isn't it? They are so vulnerable to this kind of thing.

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 17:04

Sometimes it seems to me that because of the way he is, everything he does gets noticed, while other kids are so good at hiding what they've done.

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2shoes · 22/01/2007 17:07

No advice but just had to post. poor little chap. can you give him a hug from me(if a big boy of 5 allows)

coppertop · 22/01/2007 17:07

Other children also seem to be so much better at lying about things too so that they can get away with things. Children like ds1 (and probably your ds too?) just can't do the lying thing. I'm not sure whether I should be pleased about that or not.

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 17:09

He loves hugs!
And he doesn't really get the idea of lying.

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MissesF · 22/01/2007 17:16

and a hug from me.... why oh why are our kids the ones getting punished.

playgrounds are such a sore subject for me.

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 17:29

Hi, are you having a hard time?

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renaldo · 22/01/2007 17:49

Aloha my DTs are 7 and are friends with a boy in their class that sounds similar to your DS. Since reception there has been a rota of kids (2 at a time) that play with him at playtimes. My kids love doing this and have explained to me that it happens because x finds playing with a lot of children difficult and might get left out. He also likes games to go exactly his way. He is a lovely boy, very academic and his mum is delighted how the school has coped with his needs and conveyed them to the other kids in a positive manner. Could your school do something similar?

tigermoth · 22/01/2007 18:01

Sorry to hear this, Aloha. It's horrible when things go wrong in the playground.

If its any consolation, my NT ds2 mooned to the head teacher a few weeks after starting reception as he thought it would make him laugh. It took a while for ds2 to understand what was ok to do at school and what wasn't. He had to be firmly discouraged from endless visits to the boys loos to escape lesson times - he'd be happily turning on the taps and playing with the water, thinking no one was missing him.

I don't know when your son started at the school, but I think for any child, it does take time to understand the social rituals and boundaries.

I also think some playground cultures are worse than others, unfortunately. My oldest son went to three local primary schools and I could see the differences. At one school, fighting and rough play was the norm, at another it wasn't tolerated. I hope your school playground culture is ok - it's early days yet - but keep a close watch.

I think any problems are best reported to the teacher and not the supervisers. Agree with Coppertop about that.

Have you tried the classic friendship-building tactic of inviting a classmate back for a playdate? Would that give your son more confidence in the playground?

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 18:58

renaldo, I would love it if there was some kind of system for helping my ds with specific children in the playground. I have asked for something like it and it sort of got ignored. I think it might be time to talk to the Senco and try again.
I am concerned that the 'game' of spitting was just being mean to ds, and got him into trouble. He told me he thought he wasn't allowed to go to the toilet and he 'deserved' to wet himself for 'being so naughty' He also didn't tell the playground supervisor as 'I thought that would make her even more cross with me'.
I think I need to nip this in the bud. Have been explaining like mad that he must always tell someone if he needs to go to the loo, even if he's been told to stay somewhere (he found this hard to understand) and that spitting is not a nice game, and he mustn't show his bottom to anyone!

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Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 18:59

Tigermoth, my ds called the deputy head a 'despicable worm' when she intervened when he was cross about something! I have to say, I found it very, very hard not to laugh at that and to adopt a suitably severe face.

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renaldo · 22/01/2007 19:38

would you like me to ask the school if they have a written policy? I really like how inclusive the school is - the playground is really well supervised and there is a freindship bench where children who are feeling lonely sit so someone will play with them. In fact the Dts friend (with aspergers)had been to play twice before his mum even mentioned he had special needs the kids just accept it and adjust their play accordingly..
they just told me matter of factly thet Miss explained that some people's brains are just wired differently

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 22:46

Well, I tend not to tell people at the school gate about his Aspergers. I know many people are prejudiced and ignorant around autism and feel uneasy about making ds the subject of general gossip...it's hard tbh to know what to do. Yes, renaldo, thank you, I'd LOVE to know if there is a written policy and what is in it. We have a new head and I could take that to her as a template. I don't think there is a buddy policy or a friendship bench or anything. It's just not working for ds. He is so innocent and easily led and cannot really tell if someone is being nice or nasty. Sometimes he will be very cross because someone has bumped into him because they hurt him, but completely fail to notice horrible teasing or when children try to get him into trouble. I was wondering if I could go into the school to observe him and make suggestions based on what I see. Has anyone ever done this?

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Dinosaur · 22/01/2007 22:50

Oh poor DS, Aloha! This sort of thing makes me very angry and sad.

I haven't ever done what you suggest, but I have from time to time asked DS1's SENCo and class assistant to see how he manages at playtime.

I'll post again tomorrow if I think of anything that might be more help.

Original poster

Aloha · 22/01/2007 22:58

He's not a horrible boy and he is affectionate and friendly by nature, if rather eccentric and rattles on rather. he has been invited to quite a few parties so far (was a very small class of 12 children so whole class were invited to them all) but I'm not really sure he has a proper friend at school. Not sure what to do re inviting people. Any advice welcome. Thanks Dinosaur!

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tigermoth · 23/01/2007 08:09

When you next talk to his teacher, you could ask her who your ds seems to get on with the best and who he plays with well as you'd like to invite one of them over for a playdate. Hopefully the teacher has got to know her 12 pupils quite well and can recommend some suitable children.

If you feel you want to know more before you issue an invite, see how your ds plays with them, who their parents are, etc the next time you all meet.

It's good there are only 12 children - it must help everyone settle in quicker.

Original poster

Aloha · 23/01/2007 09:53

Sadly 12 no more, the rest came up at the start of term. I keep asking the teacher and she just says, 'nobody in particular', which is very dispiriting tbh. I think I need to have a meeting - even five mins - and emphasise how important it is for him and please, please could she give me a clue! At parties he doesn't seem to play with anyone, but a big play area with lots of sporting equipment and loads of children (usual party set up) is not the environment that he is most comfortable in by any means.

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Tiggiwinkle · 23/01/2007 10:05

We had this problem with DS5 (aged 7 and with AS). He used to walk round the playground on his own at playtimes-I did not even realise this was the case until DS4 paid a return visit to the school one day and saw him. I discussed it with the Senco and the school made an effort to get other children to play with him. Incidentally, he is now in year 3 and things are much better-mainly because his "obsession" is football (including playing it)and this is an instant passport to getting included in the games at playtime! He now has a couple of special friends (also into football!)and even goes to playdates-and has them back here too.

Original poster

Aloha · 23/01/2007 10:28

Thanks Tiggiwinkle. One of the problems with ds is that he is also dyspraxic and cannot run fast or kick properly etc so he literally, physically cannot keep up with the other children who tease him by letting him nearly catch up then running off again
Am now busy writing my own playground policy to present to new head tomorrow though, including the buddy-system your school used, a friendship bench, training/information about special needs for the playground supervisors and better communication between playground and classroom.

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Tiggiwinkle · 23/01/2007 10:40

Aloha-another of my DSs (DS3-aged 18 now!) is dyspraxic and has just last month been dx with Asperger's as well. (He was dx with dyspraxia when he was 8, but AS was not picked up -of course it was less recognised then.) He also has dyscalculia.
I hope your DSs school is receptive. In our borough, they are at least training the teachers in the needs of pupils with autism and AS, but I dont think this is extended to the support staff-which of course it should be.
Does your DS have any issues with food and mealtimes? This is another major problem for our DS5 at school.

foxinsocks · 23/01/2007 10:43

ahhh, is he in a class where the Jan intake have just started? (ds, in reception, has had similar thing - started off with something like 15, now they have 30).

I think (NT or not) this sudden intake of children is very hard to handle for some children. They've been used to having the teacher and probably an assistant to themselves (and 12 is a lovely, small number) and also, the number of children in the playground is much smaller. Double that number and it's much harder for the playground assistant to keep an eye on them and also the children have more potential battles to fight!

I think this is something definitely to be brought up with the SENCO. My heart bleeds for children like your boy who have difficulty in the playground - it's a tough enough place as it is and I've noticed that the teachers take their (well-earned!) break at that time so there's rarely proper supervision going on then anyway.

foxinsocks · 23/01/2007 10:45

I also think having someone round to play is a good idea (if that's what ds would like). If the teacher can't think of anyone and ds doesn't mention anyone in particular, could you perhaps start with a non-boisterous, quieter boy and see how it goes?

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