Bullying - how do you deal with it.

[MamazonAKAfatty]

DS is 6 and in mainstream school.

I have just had the most upsetting hour of my life.
He started off by getting upest over me asking him to go up for a bath and bed. this is nothing unusual but he just got more and more upset...normally he would have a meltdown or just comply after a few minutes, but tonight he was really crying and upset.

He then started to cry about our old dog and how he missed him and that it wasn't fair that someone else has him now. (when we left his dad we had to re home our dog. we were all upset but he seemed ok)

This went on for quite some time. It isn't uncommon for him to get stuck on a past experiance but i am normally able to divert his attentions so that he calms down.
these episodes are usually a mask for something else and he just uses a past experiance to try and vocalise how he is feeling rather than actually explain what's wrong.

Anyway as he continued to cry i was tryng to calm him down. I found some loose change in my pocket and asked him if he wanted to put it into his pggy bank. he took the money and threw it at teh wall and asked me why did i buy him a pig. I said that it was so thathe could save up all his money for when we go on holiday. he then erupted into really heavy crying. i hugged him and asked what was wrong and thats when he said
"all the people at school call me a pig. Its your fault 'cos you got me a pig"

I asked who called him a pig and he said that all the boys at school call him pig and "annoy me up" (annoy him and wind him up)
I was told about an incident at lunchtime where the boys in his table were throwing carrots at him. i was only told because the teacher was so proud of the fact he hadn't retaliated where he usualy would have.

I didn't press for details of how the boys were dealt with as i too was proud of this improvment in behaviour.

But this is clearly starting to have an effect on him and i have done my best not to start blubbing in front of him.
I know that because of his problems he will always be different and i am not so naive as to think he wont be bullied. up until now he has never really noticed bullying as bullying....he just thought they were being his friend.
But he is still upstairs now crying and there is nothing i can say or do to calm him down.

I am going to speak with his teacher tomorrow and explain what has happened tonight and i will ask what has happened about the boys throwing things at him.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom? please tell me it will get better as he gets older, so far im finding it getting worse. the older he gets the more he is understanding and the more he realises the difference between him and his peers. how do you handle it.

I feel like such a failure at the moment. and to know i send him there every morning....its heartbreaking

What a heartrending experience - I do feel for you and your son. I don't have any experience of this yet as my son with SEN is still pre-school, but it's something I dread. So I can't offer much advice - but I'd definitely speak to the teacher and make it very clear that this bullying of your son MUST be tackled by the school. It's not your failure that this is happening - it's theirs. Frankly I'm amazed at the attitude of the teacher who told you about the carrot throwing - of course it's good that your son didn't retaliate but it wouldn't have been his fault even if he had done - it was the other boys who were to blame, not him.

Hopefully someone else will come along with some more advice.

Sorry your son is so horribly upset. I hope your talk with the teacher helps things. Have you seen the school's anti bullying policy? Does it have one? I think you are taking the right first step in talking to the teacher.

I can't offer any advice based on expereince of an SEN child, but wanted you to know I have seen your message and am sad for your son and you.

I'm gutted for you fatty and dreading similar things happening to my DS (he's 5 and has an ASD).

Do you mean that the teacher only mentioned the carrot throwing because he/she was proud of your DS's reaction? Not because it was a serious incident that needed to be dealt with (bullying/bad behaviour needing to be stopped, DS needing support and comfort). FFS I hope not!!!

Hope your talk with the teacher goes well today.

I hope your talk with the teacher goes well today also - this behaviour shown by the other boys is completely unacceptable. Why on earth weren't these boys pulled up sharp by any adult for throwing carrots?. Your son not retaliating is only the half of it.

Try to stay calm: if you go in all guns blazing they could be less likely to listen to you.

A good website I have found re the whole bullying issue anyway is www.bullying.co.uk. It has a section on there for parents.

List your concerns and follow this meeting up with a letter. You can ask to see a copy of your son's school record.

I'm so sorry for you and your DS. We all dread bullying, don't we, and we know that our kids being on the autistic spectrum does make bullying more likely .

Does the school have a strong anti-bullying policy generally? The school really ought not to be tolerating behaviour like this name-calling and throwing food at your son.

Does your son have any friends at the school, is there another child that he can team up with at lunchtime?

((hugs)). How was he this morning?

Poor ds.

I'm at the teacher for not doing more. We had something similar with ds1 recently. As soon as his teacher knew what was happening she spoke to everyone in the class and it stopped.

I hope you got some answers from the teacher. xx

When i took him on i spoke with his class teacher. she seemed surprised to hear he was so upset. She said she hadn't heard anyone calling him names but that she would keep an eye on what was happening.

I spoke with the LSA that was with him at lunchtime yesterday during the carrot throwing and she was great, as soon as i mentioned it she seemed to get angry again and said how she had really told them off for being so horrible and that she was really pleased at how ds had reacted.

So i assumed i would leave them to monitor the situation and hopefully i would hear no more of it.

Well when i went to collect him i was told that he had been really good today and that even when a boy punched him he didn't react!
Ermm yes great but a child PUNCHED him ffs.

She was telling me as if to say, isn't this great ds is learning how to get beaten up.(ok i know thats not what she meant but considering i had only spoken to her this morning it felt like it) She said that she thought i should know so that if he mentions being hurt at school again i would know what it was about.

as i tried to speak with her further she turned to speak to another parent.
Thankfully Ds doesn't seem to worried about it today although he did tell me that a boy "puncheded me on the face"

trouble is that the SENCO was made redundant in september and replaced by the deputy head as an inclusion officer, but now he is being loaned out to a neighbouring primary until they find a new head.
So the person i would normally go to is no longer available. I know i could speak with the head and she really is great but idon't want to make too big a fuss as, lets face it, Ds is probably getting a fraction of what he has dished out over the last year or so....difference being he has never meant it maliciously.