Can't do this anymore.

[wevecomeonholidaybymistake]

DS is 9. Diagnosed with AS 2 years ago. He is such hard work and I'm struggling.

This week alone I've been smacked on the back of the head with a key on a lanyard because I asked him to wash his hands, been bitten when I tried to stop him hurting his sister and smacked across the face and called a fucking idiot because I asked him to get changed.

He holds everything in at school then explodes when he gets home. I know he's stressed, I know he can't cope with life, I know he gets ridiculously anxious and that causes him to lash our but I can't be a punch bag anymore.

We've tried to muddle through the best we can with no support but I just can't do it. I'm failing him and I'm failing his sister.

Where do I go from here? Are Cahms any good? I worry so much as he doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone. He'll say sorry afterwards but then start talking about his maths or something like nothing has happened. I worry what the future will bring. He'll be in secondary school in 2 years, he finds school stressful enough now, how will he cope with a massive school that is so much busier than where he is now? How will I cope when he's bigger and stronger than me?

We have a home school diary. The class TA looks out for him. He has timetables written down to refer to. He was having ELSA sessions and social group sessions but apparently he doesn't need them anymore.
It's difficult as he is very compliant at school and academically very bright so causes them no problems.

We try at home to lessen the demands as he is very demand avoidant with us. When he hurts someone he's removed straight away, he has never responded to any form of reward system. Tonight I fucked up and shouted back at him. I'm so shit at this.

Yes I've had a look at it and PDA rings true in so many ways.
The problem lies when I do need him to do something without him belting me.
We have the what to do when your temper flares book and there's a volcano in my tummy one. Will go through them again with him. I just want him to have some form of control.

Thank you by the way Polter.

What's he like in the holidays?

So much calmer in the holidays, I get my lovely boy back then.

We have no one involved. We had speech and language set up a friendship group at school when he was diagnosed, then they discharged him, now nothing.

I feel so alone with it all.

Can you discreetly video him in two similar scenarios (choosing breakfast cereal, say, or brushing his teeth) so the contrast between school & holiday time is obvious?

Then you show this to someone semi-neutral-ish (maybe SEND_IAS) and ask for 'advice' about what to do 'as his parent' that can overcome the damage caused by not having an EHCP.

Definitely not alone

For my DS it's also the being compliant in school that creates the need for minimal demands at home. Ds is extremely compliant but is anxious not to be which I think makes it harder sometimes.

What works/worked for DS is

Not having to go out to play/ somewhere to go at break
Not doing PE that involves contact sports
Exit pass so he can go outside for a few minutes if needed
Toilet pass because sensory difficulties make toileting hard too
Nurture unit/ social group
ELSA input