two children with SN - feeling low

[deeedeee]

I have two kids, both with SN.

DS 7 has Developmental Coordination Disorder and low muscle tone. He is a funny and loving little boy, with occasional flashes of brilliance. But also very frustrated, angry, violent and unpredictable. He seems to me like a 3 or 4 year old in interests and cognitive ability. He has full time one to one in a mainstream school and gets full DLA. Uses a wheelchair sometimes, sometimes can trip over thin air, sometimes can run a mile. Completely inconsistent. Bites and pinches and hits and kicks other children. Bit his sister this morning so hard he drew blood because she "was too close to him". this is normal.

DD 4 has just been diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay, and I feel she has Sensory Processing Disorder, the seeking stimulation type. She is like a young toddler in a 4 year old's body. No impulse control, constantly mouthing everything, constantly falling into things, smearing everything everywhere. Not potty trained. Breaks and eats and makes messes like a 2 year old. Bites and pinches and hits and kicks other children. In the last week she has poured a pan of hot water over herself, eaten half a packet of neurofen, pulled several of my treasured house plants to bits, ruined all my make up (she can now climb up and get into high shelves and hiding places I thought she couldn't) amongst other normal bumps, falls, breaks and bites. Will not listen, still grabs hot cups of tea at 4, doesn't seem to know/care that they are hot! She can also be so sweet, funny and loving.

Together they are horrendous. It's so stressful, you cannot leave them alone without one attacking the other. Not just constant bickering, but pushing, biting, hitting. Constant screaming.

Both of them need so much supervision, it's like still having toddlers. They won't/can't play independently. Give DD pens/ paint she'll eat them. Give her a book she'll tear it up. DS can't read or write, isn't able to play with lego/jigsaws/ anything fine motor he struggles with. If I try and do an activity with one the other one sabotages it. If I try and involve both they fight. Try and cook with them, they'll spill flour EVERWHERE, burn themselves,

The only thing that will stop them fighting/screaming/ destroying the house is television, which I put on more than I'd like to have any down time. But I feel guilty. So we do go outside a lot. That does calm them down sometimes. But then they won't/can't walk very far, I end up carrying one of them. If DS is in his wheelchair they fight about that. If I have DD in her buggy they fight about that. They constantly fall over and bang into things and scream and hurt themselves.

I feel as if I exist from scream to scream as they attack each other and fall over and destroy the house. It feels like I'm on a boat in a storm all the time.

I hate it I hate it so so much.

I feel so guilty . I feel like it must be my fault , as they are both so difficult

I feel so guilty for hating it so much. I lose my temper and shout at them and I hate myself when i do it.

I feel conflicted. To some they look like normal children. Other parents complain of their children fighting, of being difficult, am I just a crap mum and all this is relatively normal and I just can't cope with it all.

I'm confused. I alternate between thinking it can't be this bad, i'm just making a meal out of it all and then being terrified for their futures and how difficult life is for them .

so stressed, adrenaline all the time. feels like I have a baby and toddler still ALL THE TIME.

any one ????? needed a rant to cyber space.

I think the climbing thing is a developmental stage, I remember my two year olds climbing everywhere pulling things down, it drove me insane. When a four year old has the developmental interests of a two year old they are so much stronger and more frightening for want a better word, the things they do feel threatening, rather than toddlerish ifysim. I think the wanting to break things is not really destructive in the way we think of it, more wanting to see what happens if you break something, reduce it to its component parts. A bit like when children throw things on the floor, not because they are angry but because they want to see what happens. It feels threatening, but it isn't malicious. Does your dd have a climbing frame in the garden, a really safe strong one she can get her teeth into? Mine basically did so much less of the play scenarios (houses kitchens pretend play) and so much MORE of the climbing, rolling, chasing, bashing, sliding stuff.

Absolute sympathy on all the professional input not actually leading to any real difference in the quality of life, and actually detracting from it. There's a blog called FaithMummy; she has a recent one about the tomatoes, which describes how she feels she is in a glasshouse being observed by different professionals (she has two autistic children), in fact she has loads of blogs about the "meetings" and "appointments" v family life, and quality thereof.

And I'm so sorry about your mum's plant. Would your mum have had any advice now, if she was around? Did she have any way of dealing with things that might help, in your mind?

zzzz is right, there will be good times, and there probably are good times right now. How lovely you made a bed for your dd's doll, I bet you could mend it together, or make a new one? I remember once I had an aupair who made me a fourposter bed for my doll out of a shoebox, four peasticks and some frilly pink material, I adored it. I also remember painting my favourite doll with biro to represent measles and totally destroying it as a result.

The doll not the bed I mean

they do.

my greenhouse blew over last night too so I've lost all my seedlings too

:-(

Oh bugger at the greenhouse.

I think it would be useful to contact social services. Even if you don't want respite, having a social worker who knows your area and what is on offer can be useful. Ours has sorted out free training workshops for us, for example and they'll know what's available in the voluntary sector in your local area :)

I think it's so very normal to feel how you feel.

I have one DS with autism and another DS who has no issues but who can be difficult to manage despite that.

Of course I live them but I often feel very frustrated with them. I feel like I'm not even enjoying having them at all - just feeling angry and fed up. I try to hide how I feel but I'm not always successful. Then I feel guilty about feeling this way.

Is there any person who'd have the patience to put up with what you deal with day in and day out and not feel as you do. I can't imagine such a person exists.

I live with that worry to about my DS's future - for me that's the hardest part.

You're not alone. I've three kids and to with Sen and some days the constant screaming, being jumped on, hit and shouted at makes me want to run away. It's like the toddler years won't end. I picked up our six year old who has asd from school to a horrific meltdown. Screaming, shouting the works. Thankfully 3 yr old asder was in her buggy but I had to drag six yr old out of school and carry her home. Most days I'm not even sure if I can get up in the mornings.

Hi Deeedeee,
Wow, it's like you've described my life! You need a virtual hug. It can be so draining.

I have a 7 year old and almost 4 year old twins. They all have the same genetic disorder and global delays. My 7 year old can't follow instructions and needs one on one attention and the twins fight over me all the time that they are home. Not a week goes by without an least three appointments.

So many things, the baby proofing, nappies, not leaving drinks around, turning my back for one second to find things wrecked and strewn over the floor, the interrupted nights. We live so far away from our families and they physically wouldn't be able to help anyway.

I don't have any words of advice, but if you would like some moral support over those long, sleepless nights from someone who really knows what it's like, I'll PM you my details. I'm in Australia so I'll be awake then!