What's wrong with your child?

[MabelBee]

Apologies in advance because this is going to be a bit of a ramble. I have three children, two NT and one with ASD, SPD and dyspraxia. I had a bit of a shit of a day recently which I can't stop thinking about. I went to a local playgroup with one of my NT children and was chatting to a very lovely woman who I've seen at various groups over the past 3 years and occasionally have a chat with. She asked after my older two and then said "which is the one with the problem?" I was really thrown because it just seemed such negative phrasing. Then she went on to snigger her way through a story about someone she knows with "terrible aspergers" who (guffaw, guffaw) has now decided that he wants to get married. I mean whatever is he thinking? And she doesn't know what the "problem" is with this woman he wants to marry but she also clearly has social issues and together they are an absolute nightmare. The whole family are hoping it just blows over.

I honestly didn't even know how to react. I didn't really say anything and then busied myself with my child and moved away to another activity. I'm still quite upset about it though. I mean why did she think it was okay to tell me that story when I have a child with those types of issues? I can't stop thinking about it. I've had people ask me what's "wrong" with my child before. I just get so flustered that I don't have a comeback. I know I should think of a stock answer but also they aren't necessarily horrible people so I don't want to say something cutting and don't want to embarrass them. But also I feel like I should say something. Also, it's not like I can just give a simple explanation because her reactions and behaviours are so complex and there isn't always a simple answer.

Later that same day we were on our way to a birthday party which was a bit of a big deal because my child doesn't have any friends and never gets invited to parties. I'd done so much prep for it and she was really excited. Then, bizarrely, when we arrived, the mother of the birthday girl kind of uninvited us. It wasn't necessarily that she didn't want us there, I don't think. But because the other children there were unaccompanied and I was going to be the only parent staying, she said she didn't mind if we didn't come. Again, I was so taken aback that I just kind of mumbled something about it being no problem and then stayed, kind of awkwardly. But then there wasn't a party bag for us at the end. I'm trying not to read too much into it but I'm still really upset. My child did love the party and had fun. But I'm just left wondering what that was all about? Does she think that my child is just a blob without a brain? Why did she think my child wouldn't notice that we weren't going into the party or that she wouldn't care about not going in? It's just so weird.

Anyway. Sorry that's so long. Maybe I can stop thinking about it now that it's written down. I suppose I'm wondering really if you feel you should always be educating other people about your child's condition? Or if you have stock answers you give when people say things which offend you? Or if maybe I should learn to not be offended because, really, why would they know if they didn't have a child with ASD? I don't know if it's really their fault.

And also, I just can't believe that someone would be malicious about a child. Adults being malicious towards other adults, yes certainly. But about a child? That just isn't the reality I live in. I have to believe that these incidents are about ignorance, or mis-speaking, or thoughtlessness. All of which don't make bad people, just people who need some educating, surely?

Actually, I should rephrase that. I do, of course, realise that there are despicable people in this world who do terrible things to children. But this is just a mum at school, who was nice enough to invite us in the first place. So the un-invitation and lack of party bag surely wasn't premeditated malicious behaviour. And this is what I was trying to make sense of when I started the thread. Whether these incidents were opportunities for me to educate other people and whether I should be more responsible for correcting their rudeness. How to do that without alienating them. And, I suppose, how to not be so shocked when I come across it that I just mumble some crud and move away.

You're not responsible for correcting other people's rudeness. They are.

If it feels right to say something without jeapordising your child's chances of future relationships, or to enhance his chances, then do so, but it isn't your responsibility to educate the ignorant, it is your responsibility to do the best you can for your child.

You've had a bad run op!wrt playgroup lady, she sounds like an idiot and I would just avoid her.

Likewise party Mum.my DS is 6 and has been invited to a party once in his life.But he has informally been to lots when we've gone to pick his older brother up from parties and kind mums have invited him to have a quick play, eat some cake and then found him a party bag.

I don't bother educating people as I generally find most people's listenimg skills to be utterly awful (this is generally as well as in relation to SN) and it gets me all infuriated!!

It's great your DD has a sn school place from sept. My DS goes to a lovely sn school and it has been the saving of us.

Mabel - how awful for you. I would have been so upset. I'm sorry - there is no excuse for this behaviour at all. Who invites someone to a party and then a. Says they don't want them to come when they turn up and b. Doesn't bother to give her a party bag? That's just shit behaviour. And the ignorant woman at playgroup - if I were you I would ignore her from now on.

Oh Mabel, it can be really awful at this stage. It does get better but you will always feel a bit more protective of her.

It does sound as if you have had a run of very ignorant people and I would be hurt too. I once didn't leave the house for a month after a particularly nasty encounter but you get over it in time.

Fingers crossed that you meet a BFF at the special school. A really good friend who gets it is a godsend.

All those incidents you've described are totally shitty I think. I've had many such comments over the years too, and spent the first few years after my ds was diagnosed (and the time pre-dx too) inwardly crying but not saying anything. Now I'm a few years down the line and am much more battle-hardened I'm much less tolerant towards fuckwits, and am much more likely to look them straight in the eye and say something like "you do realise how ignorant/prejudiced/cruel/offensive that is don't you" or "you realise you could be talking about my son there don't you" type comments, either smiling sweetly or in a more forthright way depending on my mood

It's shit though. I think I spend too much quite a bit of time challenging such attitudes on MN too - might not win me friends but am fucked if I'm going to let this kind of not-so-subtle disabling crap go unchallenged.