Hard being around neurotypical babies...

[Toffeelatteplease]

Anyone else find this really difficult?

It's like going back and redealing with all the worry and the upheaval and hurt all over again.

DS had a really rough time of being a baby. It was also a time when marriage and house went wrong. I was just getting back on my feet when they properly diagnosed the SN and life pretty much got turned upside down again.

Normally I just don't do baby's but I have a little relative who I am finding I am quite fond off. However having had a lovely day, I am finding myself quite upset now.

Usually I am quite happy with life. It isn't how I thought it would be but as a little family we have our own thing going on that mostly works.

But babies totally set me off.

Anyone else get this?

Are you feeling it hard to be around typical babies as you have a child with SN? Am afraid I'm not sure what you're trying to convey.

Hi Toffee

While I have not been in your situation I think I understand what you are saying.

The difficulty here is not so much that the babies are neurotypical, all parents implicitly compare their children to others and also compare their own children to eachother. I know my wife regularly sees behaviour in other children that she wishes our little boy had (particularly in the sleeping department!). This is not at all comparable to your specific situation, but what I wanted to start with is to say that this comparison behaviour is absolutely normal.

When our situation is born out of circumstances which are unkind and we lack the opportunity to take time out for healing and gaining perspective it becomes very difficult. From your post I get the sense that this is what you are trying to express. You have a child, and at a time of intense physical and emotional difficulty (when he was a baby) you were also going through relationship difficulties with (I assume) his father. The person who you would have wanted to count on for support and that chance for perspective left and the opportunity for perspective was taken away.

Then just as you were on the cusp of 'normality' (whatever that means with children) and a chance for perspective you feel that it was once again been taken away and now you are wondering 'what if'.

You love your boy and have overcome the challenges thrown at you so far. I suspect that the baby hit you so hard because babies are often lovely and 'easy', particularly when you can give them back after having a lovely time! I would not be surprised if other parents look at you with your son and wish they had things that you regard as 'own thing that mostly works' as actually being quite wonderful.

You need to talk in a place and environment that feels safe for you, where you can gain perspective, say what you feel no matter how irrational you think it might be or how crazy it may make you seem. It may be a bulletin board on the internet where you can be anonymous and simply the process of writing is good. It may be a close friend that understands you don't need fixing you just need a chance to share. It may be a professional that gives you an environment free of any social obligation where you can say what you feel.

All that being said, I get the feeling that if someone came to you for support you would feel empowered and confident in your situation. You would point out the things in their life which are great and say that other things should not change the good. Above all you would probably have a feeling of 'life can suck sometimes' but no one ever said life would be easy.

I think you just nailed the while thing on the head. Thank you for putting it so succinctly for me.

Yep to venting.yep to life sucks sometimes and just getting it out.

I couldn't wrote a proper reply at the time because I had a little cry.

Thank you for taking the time to write your reply. Not that I have any asd tendencies myself but sometimes I have trouble naming emotions and without working out what the emotions are it is hard to deal with them. Especially when they are all different but tied together.

I had some counselling at the time, but there were bits I know I didn't deal with because I couldn't at the time (maybe I didn't want to).

Im guessing babies are tied up in my head with a lot of sadness and I think I might like to disconnect that association now. Avoiding babies might have been a workable coping mechanism for a while but I would quite like not to avoid this little one. She is very cute

I would also like not to have to hold it in burst into tears afterwards.

I find both crying and talking to be wonderful things. Sometimes holding it in is necessary, letting it out afterwards is just as necessary. We all do it differently, I often let it out with a steady diet of silly humour and computer games. I know that if I fall short on sleep, my opportunities to do this are fewer and so my stress level rises and we all have our limits!

Why not get in touch with your GP to ask for a referral? It wont be quick, but simply starting the process may help and then you will have time to adjust to some healing.

Also, dont avoid the baby :) It sounds like a happy experience, nothing wrong with it and you would hate to miss out on it and compound your negative experience! It may also help you remember the happy moments with your own baby.

I attended a course for parents of children with sn and we talked about the task of adjusting to a different life path that sn inflict on our children. At first it can be a bit like the stages of grief - shock disbelief anger etc, but then then you settle in (with a bit of swinging back from time to time) and muddle along and settle into acceptance. But certain things can let you swing back for a short while to the painful earlier stages of acceptance, things that remind you of the different path your child will face such as life changes.
My son is a teen, and like you we muddle along fine, and it's years since those very difficult early years ( he has autism with learning disability) , but occasionally the sadness gets me when I am reminded of the things he may never do- reading a book, going to college.
When ds was young I found it quite hard to be around similar aged NT children, because it made it so obvious to me what Ds could not do. I think many parents find this. Now he is approaching adulthood- and that has brought into focus the difference in his life to other young people his age.perhaps the lovely new baby - without the worries you have faced has done similar for you?

Op, my very long-awaited daughter (after infertility) died 10 years ago yesterday. I do indeed get what you are saying. I couldn't look at babies at all, yet they seemed to surround me everywhere (and pregnant women).

I didn't hold a baby until my next dd was born 10 months later. Attending Baby groups was terrible, I felt so cheated by my experience of having lost dd and having two terrible pregnancies where the chance of losing dd2 was 20%.

I did attend a babyloss group and found it really helpful to share these feelings with others who understood. Ten years and four surviving children later, I can be happy for people. But I cannot lie and when people have an uncomplicated pregnancy and a lovely baby at the end of it, I feel a pinge of sadness for my experience, and most definitely for dd, who never got the chance to live.

I guess time heals the rawness of these situations, but really the sadness of it all never goes away, you just learn to live your life around it.

Yes DS was a typical baby and then he massively regressed with autism at just over 2. It was like a total system shut down he lost his speech, humour, social interest, stop called me mum. He was like a shell of the baby he had been. He has regained some skills - his humour is back. He had little sentences at 2 (he spoke from 8 months and his speech was originally advanced). Now he is 9 and only just talking in short sentences again, he has had to relearn everything and it's much harder for him than it was before his regression. It's like I have had 2 children in the same body.

I read a really powerful blog post about grieving for a child who hasn't died which really struck a chord with me. That's how I felt. It has got much easier and DS is amazing and very loving in his own way. But I avoided even holding a baby for a long time and even now only do so when I feel it would be rude to refuse. I think I felt for a long time that I didnt want to forget the pre autism DS, because he did things like eye contact, and asking for me, and hugging me which DS doesn't do even now (he lets me hug him but not the other way round). It is hard to explain - how do you say I don't want to hold your baby because it reminds me of mine that I lost, when that 'lost' baby is stood right in front of them. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel, it's such an individual process and experience.

I have videos of DS as a baby I have never watched since he regressed. Even now it feels too hard to go back and see the things he used to do which he doesn't do now. But I don't want to forget DS as a baby which is part of why I don't want to get to know a new baby, although I suppose I will when one of my other kids becomes a parent.

I do find neurotypical babies hard to be around because of that interest they have in you and how they react socially. I do find it hard that DS isn't social in that way. On the positive side I never take things for granted now the way I used to. If he calls me Mum it's like winning the lottery, when my other kids were little and yelled mum a million times a day I would be rolling my eyes like not again, now I treasure any interaction. It is hard but I think I'm a better person because of it.

I understand how you feel. I have a photo of me, DH, DS1(then aged 2) and DS2 (then aged 3 months) on the wall, taken just before DS2 showed signs of development delay and DS1 started to show signs of ASD. It makes me feel sad sometimes as it feels like it's our last photo of us as a "normal family".

Thank you for your messages I have read them all quite a few times. Just taken my time to reply. So much of what you have said has echoed how I feel Although I would wish the sadness away for everyone in a heartbeat, it's nice to know I'm not on my own on this.

Funnily enough I spent a bit of time watching family videos the other day. It's an odd experience; it's funny how little I do remember clearly about that time... There was an awful lot happening. I have the opposite experience in that there was never any regression, but watching the videos the signs are already there. I think however it is good for me to remember just how much is and was "normal" regardless of how different and challenging it can be sometimes