Can you help me to stop judging parents of possibly autistic child?

[Forprivacyreasons]

I have changed my name for this as it would be awful if for some reason the child's mum is a mumsnetter - its probably quite easy to work out who I am if you know me but please don't say. There is a child in dd2's nursery class who I am sure may be autistic - she has NO communication - never makes eye contact, screams and talks unintelligbly, during the nativity play she wandered about seeming unaware of what was going on. She came for tea yesterday as dd2 likes her - they didn't play together at all, she absolutely does not communicate at all but is brill at puzzles and loved running about in the garden. Her mum says that she has had various 'experts' try to 'put her in a box' but she feels that she is just wilful and by reception will be fine. Her dh is a very gruff bloke who absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his dd. She seems to be a very happy child but it is clear there is something very profoundly different about her.

I really have to overcome an urge to say to the parents 'stop pretending everything is going to be fine and GET HER SOME HElP' and I really wish I could just butt out. Which I do obviously. Will she be OK?

I don?t think you can say anything to the mother as such, chances are that she already knows there?s something wrong.

About a year ago I was in the park with my ds (then 3), when a woman came in with a little girl. She put the little girl on the swing and when I asked how old she was the mum replied ?she?s three?. It turned out she was about three days younger than my ds, but she didn?t talk, not at all, not one word. I didn?t ask the mum if she could/couldn?t talk, tbh considering I didn?t know the woman I didn?t consider it any of my business really, and wasn?t sure she would want people making assumptions about her dd, but as time went by and my ds tried to play with her, and they did interact, except the little girl didn?t say one word, she explained to me that the hv/other experts thought that she was possibly profoundly deaf, as she had reached all her other milestones, but didn?t talk/respond to sound/commands etc. She said that her gp/hv had been pushing for her to go for hearing tests, but that she and her dh were very reluctant to let her have a hearing test. I was somewhat dumfounded by her level of denial, and perhaps I was out of order, but I asked why she didn?t want her dd?s hearing tested, and she replied ?because I don?t want our lives to change?. I think what it came down to was that she, in her eyes, had a perfect dd, who had nothing wrong with her, even though she knew in her heart that she did have something wrong with her. And while she didn?t have any kind of diagnosis she could still keep believing that her dd was ?perfect?, but as soon as she took her dd for tests, she knew that that would probably result in a diagnosis, and once that happened she would have to face the fact that there was a problem, and in her mind, that would change their lives.

I never saw her again, but I?ve often wondered what happened to her and whether her dd ever had the tests/a diagnosis. She seemed so alone and unhappy (the woman that is) that I can?t help thinking that being there knowing your child has something wrong with it but not being able to admit it must be a very lonely place to be.

Ok I have watched half the film and have had to turn it off as it is making me cry. I think I will just back off and be around if ever needed. Thanks everyone for your advice.

oh I love that film- I think at some time I have said every single thing those mothers say- sometime (about 10 mins in) there's a bit about acceptance. It does get very positive and heartwarming at the end. I would LOVE Louis Theroux to do a documentary on severe autism as I think he would capture the bizareness of life with autism really well.

If you continue to have the girl over you would be doing a lot I suspect.

OK I'll watch it through over the weekend

Re the private school thing.

Like all school Private schools vary in how well they deal with SEN, of allsorts, including autism.

The school that my two go to has several children with ASD, ADHA, dyslexia an dyspraxia, as well as mild CP, and other quite complex SEN. They are excellent at 'flagging up' issues, and will liase with the LEA for support, as well as putting in their own.

Other schools may well not be as good, but that is true of both state and private schools.

I was in primary school with a boy who was assessed as having learning difficulties, nothing was done for years, eventually they found out that he was almost totaly deaf, had taught himself to lipread and speak without assistance and had a genius level IQ. Because of that he had 'coped' so well no-one knew he had a problem

The main problem with the private school system is that LEAs in general won't fund LSA's to work in the private system. Which is a shame as often I think the smaller classes would remove a lot of the sensory issues for starters. Ds2's (private) school is better than the local mainstream primary for children with AS- which is one reason we chose it- we didn't want him to see children with AS being treated badly at the local school.

Yes, you must watch it FPR (almost used your real name there). Honestly I have said every line (except the one about driving off a bridge but then we are very lucky with ds1's school- it is perfect).

Our LEA does fund the school, but only after endless fights, so just like the state secoror [Grrrrr]

I also ike the fact that the school suits children with AS.......because all the things they do to accieve that make it a good school for all the kids, good solid routines, predictable, supportive staff, small classes, calming enviromenment.

Perfect for ds when he gets there and all his little 'quirks'

The kids are all really cool about the sn as well, it is all just acepted as part of life, which it as it should be.