Ds isn't coping, I'm not coping. Any tips to get through the next few weeks?

[PhilPhilConnors]

Ds (ASD/PDA) is still holding it all together in school, but at home is going through meltdown after meltdown with anger in between.
Every night is spent making my other dc stay out of his way as he can't tolerate them.

Last night he stayed on at school (out of choice) for a Christmas film night. He then spent the journey home singing/screaming Christmas songs out of the car window with very rude words. I ignored this (mostly because I couldn't physically stop him, and he wasn't being dangerous and interfering with driving)
At home this immediately turned into a trashing-the-house meltdown, punching, biting, etc.
This lasted for ages and was followed predictably by him sobbing and begging me to kill him.

School are not putting any strategies in place (suggest they don't need to as they can't see any behaviour), which I think I'm going to have to ignore for now without backup from somewhere.

We're trying to make sure he has a snack as soon as he gets in the car, then quiet time at home so he can wind down, but I think I'm missing a trick here, as he's melting as soon as he gets in the car.
Any tips how to deal with it?

Thank you

Not sure whether he's going to go to school tomorrow or not. I hope not in a way because he is starting to relax a bit.
Again, the day has gone exactly his way, even down to paddling through mucky cow poo puddles and digging in them with his hands, followed by a bath (a bath! He actually willingly had a bath :o)
We've had a laugh today, for the first time in weeks, which has been lovely.
I've noticed before that when he's relaxed you can "see" the autism more, he's been flapping today which he rarely does, and jumping and spinning out on a walk. He's also been very clingy and anxious, I haven't been able to be out of his sight at all today, but I think we're heading in the right direction.

Back from CAMHS.
I don't think the therapist gets PDA, but she's trying to understand dsm which is good.
She's going to try to bring some more consistency with the things that work.
Dh and I can approach things differently, because dh gets cross and still sees behaviour as naughty and tells him off for swearing, when I try to work out why he's swearing and deal with that.
We know the strict discipline route doesn't work, but I think I find it difficult not being in control, so I'm getting frustrated when people don't do things how I want them to be done.

He's come out very giddy, hyperactive and sweary, but I do feel like I've got my little boy back, and we're having fun. He's had people in stitches over a few things today, and has really loved it, which he hasn't done for ages.
I'm dreading him going back to school, which is something I never thought I'd hear myself say!

Ds not dsm.

Christmas decorations up this weekend.
We are now considering never celebrating anything again. Ever.

I never thought of leaving it later!
Will do that next year.
I'm also going to make sure all Christmas shopping is done in good time - I've left it late and now have to rush it as ds may be off again after tomorrow!
After an awful weekend, he's now a delight again. Having his hair cut (his decision) before going into school at lunchtime.

Half a day at school and he's angry again, not to the sobbing, suicidal stage, but not a happy boy.
I had an email from the HT saying hopefully he won't be angry tonight as he's had a happy looking day.
It sounds like support is going to be hard to come by unless a professional sees signs at school, which they are unlikely to.
I don't think the HT understands about reducing demands etc, and keeps asking how we will prepare him for adulthood if we're having to reduce demands.
I'm not really sure what to say, but knowing how he can be at home, after a day at school, I think the impact on his future by not using PDA strategies is going to be far worse than using them and at least trying to reduce his anxiety, even if he's not showing it in school. But I've said all of this before. But I'm not a professional, so what I say means nothing.

Ds1 asked if we could HE ds2, as the few days he was at home last week he was much calmer and easier to be around! He then offered to stay at home too to keep him company :o

Yes, I think we need to think about it.
I'd like to see how he settles in January, but I think having him at home, even for a few days, was helpful to see what a difference it made.