Demand Avoidance 3yo Girl

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

I'm really struggling with my DD who has recently turned 3. She's always been strong willed but for about the last 6 months or so she has become so demand avoidant that I'm starting to query PDA. Her older brother is being assessed next week for ASD and shows similar behaviour at times but nowhere near as extreme. She's also started to have meltdowns and show rigidity in her play, lining up toys when anxious etc. It's got to the point now where she resists every demand (is quite happy to dish them out left right and centre but that's probably typical 3 year old stuff) - she will make excuses "in a moment" "I can't because x,y,z" and more recently "I've got no hands"

She has recently become very agressive particularly if things don't go her way, cannot handle being told no etc but will also explode/attack at (what seems like) random sometimes.

She was potty 'trained' a couple of months ago - I use the term loosely because it was entirely her choosing. She was dry at night shortly after which came as a surprise as DS still isn't. But she now will say she needs to go to the toilet but then change her mind or refuse to go, absolutely nothing will change her stance on this. She has then had numerous accidents or been up frequently at night to go because she's been holding it in so much in the day. It's exhausting and I have no idea what to do about it.

It seems like if she doesn't want to do something the only ways to get her to do it is a threat or doing it for her. This is the opposite of the way I want to parent but the only thing she seems to respond to

I'm starting to wonder if we need to worry about SN with her as well but don't really know what's typical of girls this age...do they all resist demands? I'm talking even something she enjoys like colouring or doing a puzzle - if there's even a hint of a suggestion that she do something she cannot do it.

She's stopped sleeping - tantrums at bedtime, wakes frequently, wakes early and cries incessantly, refuses to be still at rest time, calls my name 100 times or more so tired she's yawning through her screams but still refuses to sleep. It's becoming such hard work to do even the simplest things as she fights us tooth and nail on everything. I'm covered in scratches and bruises and yet she can be such a sweet and lovely little thing.

Any tips? Does she sound 'normal' or am I right to be concerned?

What polter said

Also just wanted to say, girls can be very fiesty but dont be fobbed off by people who think they know better than you do.

You are the number one expert on your Dd, have confidence in your ability to know if her difficulties are falling outside the "normal" range!

Good luck

Thanks both I will do my best to keep a diary. I have one for DS which now includes communication with school (where he's 'fine' apparently) so perhaps I could have one on the go for DD as well.

She seems much better today perhaps as DS is back at school and there's more focus on her. I think anxiety is very much at play here - she's starting to learn how it feels which I think is amazing (I don't think I 'got' what I was feeling until my 30's having never been taught) and she's far better at articulating feelings than DS but still does a hell of a lot of screaming!

I do agree about the spidey sense. I just really hope I'm wrong

Can't add anything else to what's been said.

I'd have a meeting with nursery (if she goes) and ask some very pointed questions to get answers you want. You learn to be cleverer than "how's she doing?" To asking questions such as "how does she play with friends?" And "how does she react if the routine is changed?"

Thanks youarent she doesn't go to nursery until the new year. They were very patient and sympathetic with my concerns about DS but saw no signs of what we see at home bar one meltdown the day the fire alarm was tested. It will be interested to see if she makes friends or just clings to the adults and I'd like to know how she gets on with other people telling her what to do...she seems to resist demands in a much more charming way with people outside the immediate family - she's not been away from us long enough to know if it might cause her to fall apart later the way DS does. Oh well, time will tell with both of them I guess. Thank you for your replies