ADHD and aspergers

[strugglingwithstepson]

Hello

I have namechanged for this.

My stepson is 7 years old. Him and his little brother live with me and their dad full time. I have known them for 4 years and love them both to bits. No other children.

Dss is in the process of being diagnosed as ADHD and aspergers. Basically we know he has it and so do the doctors but we haven't had official diagnosis.

I am finding him increasingly hard work. Let me start by saying I in no way blame him and I have no intention of walking away, I do everything I can to help him. I wont give up on him like his mum has.

Everything is a struggle. Getting dressed, breakfast, brushing teeth, going toilet, flushing chain, washing hands, walking to school. Everything is a battle and he gets angry if he doesn't want to do something which turns violent, he hits and kicks. He doesn't sleep, hasn't slept in own bed since a baby. He wont stay in a room on his own, has to be with an adult constantly, even to go toilet. School cant cope and he gets sent home most days after couple hours. Until he is statemented there is no extra help at school.

He is incredibly jealous of his brother. If you praise his brother you have to praise him too. There is far more than what I have wrote. Its just a constant fight. Oh and he is 7 but in 13 year old clothes due to height and weight and I cannot lift him. He is at reception level with school work.

Don't know what I am posting for really.

A visual chart was life changing for us. It totally changed the tone of relationship for me and dd5.5.
Not because dd didn't understand what was expected, but saying "what's next on your list" is way less confrontational than "get dressed" "get dressed" "get dressed" "get dressed". And she seems to be able to remember stuff way better when she sees it instead of hears it.
So instead of "what do I have to do next?", "brush teeth" on repeat. She will list out everything she has to do this morning (followed by tomorrow's, the next day and th next day).
Also being aspie, ticking things off lists is one of the things she finds very satisfying. And I get to say stuff like "chasing the cat is not on the list".
If a change of routine is coming up, she helps me put all the new stuff on the chart.
It won't solve everything, but if you can remove the stress from the routine stuff, then you have more capacity to deal with the others.

Why hasn't he got a statement?

As far as I am aware SS will get a statement when officially diagnosed.

You get an statement/EHCP when school are unable to meet needs from current resources. It has nothing to do with diagnosis.

School are failing in their duty if he hasn't got one now and sending him home early is an illegal exclusion.

Two things you can do now to speed up the process and help (can take up to 18months to get an EHCP that is any good)....

1. get to know the IPSEA website and use their model letter to request an assessment for EHCP. Call them if you need to. The person with PR will actually have to sign the letter.

2. Write to the school listing all the times you have been asked to pick up early and inform them you will no longer do so unless he comes out with accompanying formal exclusion paperwork.

The other thing you should do as a matter of course as they are, is keep a log of all communication and incidents, following informal chats with emails to clarify your understanding but importantly, creating a document evidence trail.

You will probably be told he won't get an ECHP. Almost everyone on this board who has one has been told this. Those exclusions are enough good evidence.