My son is so embarassing to everyone

[peppajay]

My son is so embarassing - well to others he is - and I suppose he is in a way to me but I am so used to him I don't let it embarass me otherwise we could go no where or do nothing. He has aspergers and speaks his mind and has meltdowns when things go wrong. I try to pre empt when something will go wrong which will result in a meltdown but I am not psychic and sometimes something happens in a split second which sends him over the edge and I am not quick enough to stop it. I rarely apologise in public if he has a meltdown as i try to concentrate on calming him down. Unfortunatley no one else can cope with the embarassment so is generally just me and him these days. When he is in full tantrum mode when other people are with us he is shouted at and told to shut up, grow up, stop being pathetic!!! My husband walks off and apologises to everyone in sight and says 'he is so so sorry, we are trying to change him but he (my son) just doesn't want to listen" . DH is finding it really hard and other people who I thought understood have said it is really hard on my hubby as he gets so embarassed and can't I see how embarassing he is to others-. I have no one on my side helping me deal with it - I really don't know what I can do anymore -except stay in our own little bubble. He is picking up that no one likes him anymore. So sad don't know what to do :0(

I don't know how much longer I can do it without someone being on my side or believing in me as his mum

We believe in you, most of us have been there, I think I probably hold the record of not being believed by close family for the longest amount of years.
Last instance was a few days ago when discussing a TV prog featuring an AS character and SIL's usual sarky dig observation was 'It's amazing how much they can do if only they'd try'. 'They' in that instance meaning adults with AS.

All I did and still do, after years of sending books,(too busy to read all that) reports,(but it's not directly about your DC is it?) articles (you can't believe what you read in the press) is to realise I am the only advocate and plod on regardless.

You will reach the point when you know that you and the professionals are right and you will just get on with it and do what needs doing, because you are the only one who will do it for your son.

Remember, you aren't alone, but you are amazing

I'd be more embarrassed by a DH who did that. Trying to change him? Eejit.

What you need is support- find it - it is out there! Once I did that things got a little better. I joined my local autistic group and my dh came with me to the many things that were organised by the group. This really helped me, my DS, and my dh. Seeing and meeting others in the same situation helps you to realise you are not alone. That other children have this too, they have problems but they also have a good time. You can chat with other parents and get and give support. Does dh need counselling? Need strategies to deal with other people's wrong attitude? Your DS needs both of you on his side! When he is with you both he should know that you are Both not going to allow others to bully him. WHOEVER they are. I'm sorry that this is hard to her, but it's damaging for your DS to not have his own father look out for him. So first, I would immediately speak to dh and find out if he really understands asd, if he doesn't educate him now. Then draw up a plan on how to deal with situations before they arise. Agree to not allow anyone to give or feel free to pass comment on your son and his disability. People should respect you as a person and let you get on with it. Get outside support, find people that actually know and understand you and your DS. Then family and friends that are lacking in their understanding will not have such an impact on you. Good luck.

Things can change Peppa - dh was very against a label and delayed the diagnosis by saying there wasn't anything different about ds2. But once he began to see how upset ds was getting in some situations, and we were given a diagnosis, he immediately went out and bought the Tony Atwood book and spent hours reading it. Now he very much aware of transitions, executive function, explicit instructions, sensory stuff and social communication issues that ds2 grapples with. He still gets frustrated and fed up and tired sometimes with it all, but at least he knows why ds2 is behaving how he does.

Peppa

I can relate to the people thinking your child needs to 'man up' etc and just get over it. I find even though my DS has a dx people seem to assume he should behave age appropriately. I say we are learning acceptable and appropriate response but his disability means it's not natural to him.

But there are people out there who are amazing. Recently I've become friends with a colleague. As in we see each other outside of work. Her DD3 is 9yo and younger than my ds and her DD1&2 go to his secondary. They've 'experienced' DS and she just calmly explained he has autism, he thinks differently and doesn't understand them anymore than they understand him! The oldest one now seeks him out at school to check he's OK.

As for your 'D'H. He needs to change his way of behaving and thinking. None of his actions are actively going to help your Ds learn to cope in society.