just lost it totally with ds1 and now he is scared to death of me, please help me!

[MyTwoChocolateCoinsWorth]

as some know, both my kids are autistic. its been a hell of a weekend, they've both been in foul moods for some reason and been so noisy (and considering how they normally are, that is L O U D!!) just both of them kicking off for no reason, full on meltdowns - even ds2 who is by far the most placid of the 2.

anyway, i lost it a couple of hours ago. dh and ds2 have gone out - ds2 classmates party, lord knows how thats going to go, ds2 was screaming and screaching and hitting me 15 mins before they went cos dh nipped over to the shop!!

sorry, im rambling, anyway, its just me and ds1. he wanted something and i was trying to give him instructions. his understanding is a bit dicey sometimes, he struggles with language, but he understands simple sentences and normally he can get the gist of what you are saying. he just wasnt listening! he was babbling and yelling and getting wound up and the more i tried to give him instructions the more he kicked off. i tried to stop and he screamed. i tried again but he just looked at me blankly.

i dont know what happened, i just yelled at him. i yelled some horrible things. whats wrong with you, you know this, for gods sake, etc just yelling.

anyway he started to cry and i mean really cry. he was shaking. then he threw himself on the floor. he wouldnt let me near him. he went into a full one! hes not gone like that in years. i did this to him, i made him feel so bad.

anyway, it took ages but eventually he stopped and was just crying and shaking and then he let me hold him. he said "upset" i said i know he said "frightened" i said what are you frightened of" he didnt answer. i thought oh god please no and i asked "are you frightened of mummy" he said "yes"

i spent the the next half hour saying sorry over and over and saying i loved him and please dont be frightened of mummy. i have promised him i will never ever shout at him again - i mean it, i frightened myself even more than him, i never want to put him thru that again. eventually hes calmed down and i asked him is he frightened of mummy and he said no.

i cant beleive i did this to my son. i dont know where it came from, its not like im not used to dealing with autism ffs. i feel so awful i want to make it up to him i feel like giving him his xmas presents right now!!

sorry for the rambling nature and for the bad grammer etc, (well, worse than normal!!) but i am just pouring it out.

hes sitting at the table now eating a cheese string but i feel like im a big dollop of shit.

don't feel bad we all loose it.
I do and ddd gets over it. at the end of the day you are only human.
when he lets you just give him a BIG hug.
and let it go.
he knows that you love him.

Don't feel bad - please don't beat yourself up about it. He will have soon forgotten it and have moved on before you even realise. It's only normal to lose it once in a while for any parent, more so when your kids behaviour is extra frustrating for whatever reason. It's easy enough to kick yourself after the event but in the heat of the moment you are only human. I regularly start each day aiming to be amodel of patience and calm and am lucky to get them through breakfast without a snap or two, and then it is all downhill. If you are under pressure then things boil up sometimes - he won't hink anything of it and nor must you.

think your doing a super job with 2 children
there is alot of stress around at the mo with christmas etc
dont worry about it he loves you now

You're human, MTPW. You will have bad days. Best thing is to accept it and move on. Well, what else can you do?

Seriously as well- your son has ASD. therefore he doesn't interpret emotions the same as you. So where anoher child might have read as not scary just angry he reads it differently and whilst you can learn from this next time (what scares him) its never really rpedictable is it?

I've lost it before and hated it. Its scary when it happens but if someone else had posted this would you not think, poor soul- no wonder!

thank you and thank you all again. i really did need to hear that i am not the most evil mum in the world! it shook me, very much, i seriously questioned myself as a mother that i could make my child fear me.

I've only just seen this thread so I'm glad you're already feeling better about things MTCCW.

I could quite easily have written your first post - several times. I'd love to be able to say that I've never lost it with ds1 and ds2 but it wouldn't be true.

As the others have already said, you're only human.

Hey give yourself a hug! It can't be easy and we're not all angels all of the time. Your son will know that you love him and when he is ready give him a hug too. To never lose it would require the patience and disposition of a saint! And there's not many alive you know!!

You sound like you are a fantastic mother - if you weren't you wouldn't care.