How did you tell your child that they are autistic?

[Titsywoo]

Ds is 8 and after several years of social issues we are about to have him assessed for asd. He is almost certainly dyspraxic too which should be confirmed by camhs (been diagnosed privately Already). My question is how do you tell them? Ds feels there is nothing 'wrong' with him and he hates the autistic girl in his class so might be cross to be compared to her. I don't know what to say to him!

I tended to have conversations along the lines of .... Everybody is different and has things that they are good at, and things that they find difficult... And use examples, eg DD is good at art and I'd say lots of people would like to be as good, and they were probably envious of her skill, even though they were good at maths.... I did this sort of thing for quite a long time (years) because we didn't actually have a diagnosis, but it paved the way to talking about ASD along the way.

We talk quite openly about when weve been to the doctors, well i talk to dad about it and son is priivy to the conversations, and i will say what the peadatrician has said or the gp or the speech therapist ect and i have mentioned that they have mentioned Asd, so i dont think we will have that problem, if the conversation arises what is Asd then i will do so.

Also your son hates the Autistic girl, yes this seems to be a common trend, my son also hates the autistic girl across the road, he cannot stand her,he even kicked her the other day, and i seriously think its because of the facial features and expressions as they know something is not quite right and dont know what, if that makes sense?

I talked to my ds about what was making him struggle at school, introduced the idea to him that he maybe didn't understand his peers (he admitted this) and said we were going to talk to a lady who may be able to help him and we will work to help him become happier.

When in Camhs office waiting for ADOS assessment ds was reading a board made for children on ASD and diagnosed himself! He basically recognised his struggles in this information. I just explained it as his brain is wired differently. It's not wrong but the stronger parts of his brain are different.

He has been happier since the diagnosis as he sees it as a sense of identity. He'll happily tell people that call him weird that he finds them weird because he's autistic!

I continually tell ds there is nothing wrong with, in the same way that there is nothing wrong with our youngest having blue eyes when no-one else in the family does. It is just a difference. It makes some things difficult but makes something better too.

I tell him that autism isn't one thing and lots of different people have different kinds of autism. Having autism doesn't make you good or naughty, and both good and naughty people can have autism. It helps that he knows other kids with autism as he went to a special school for a period of time, and now attends a social group for kids with ASD.

I give examples and say 'x's autism means that he finds it difficult to wear any clothes with patterns on', 'you might think that is a bit silly, but you really like talking about tall buildings, which he probably finds a bit silly'.

We talk about it quite a lot actually. We told him in very matter-of-fact ways and in passing and it has always just been generally known until one day he suddenly asked, at a most inconvenient time 'Mummy, what's autism?'

After a very short discussion he wanted to know what percentage of him was autistic. I had to tell him he was 100% autistic and it doesn't really work like that. That for some reason, was the hardest question, and answer for me.

Thanks ladies. Will take all your suggestions on board. I actually started talking about differences the other day as ds was moaning about the girl in his class and why she screams a lot. I explained how she might find some things overwhelming just like he hates loud noises and needs to get away from them etc.

I'm just very conscious of saying the wrong thing! He hates to be seen as different and refused lots of occupational therapy help at school as it singled him out even if it was helpful.

Ds has always known he saw things differently and we just said his brain was wired differently.

School told us he was too aware of his Dx (when he only had the ADHD Dx, he is now Dx ADHD and asd) and used it as an excuse however we had never actually told him anything but the above and of course he was aware as he visited a 'brain doctor' to chat to them (the original ADHD appointment)! He didn't even know the term ADHD until a term or two later when they did a pshe assembly talking about ADHD and he realised it was him...so school, who told us he was too aware, we're actually the ones to tell him! [eye roll]

dd was diagnosed this week, she has always known she finds things hard. Becasue she is older they told her at the appointment with my permission. We showed her the video the polter linked to and she seemed to relate to it very well. She has told a couple of her friends who apparently said cool then just carried on as they were. while it has been a really big deal for me it is no different for her. Does he understand the concept of spectrum? that could be a good place to start, dd was doing the colour spectrum for homework purple is not the same as yellow but they are both on the colour spectrum iyswim.

Starlight - I wonder whether he asked that because he's heard 'it's part of who he is'. And being a bit literal, he's thinking that he is made up of lots of ingredients, one of which is autism. In that case it does make sense to ask what percentage it makes up, just as it makes sense to ask what percentage of a cake is sugar.

When actually what you meant is it's an unchangeable aspect of his character - but only one of many different things which come together to make the unique person he is: all of which he is completely, just as an orange star is 100% orange and 100% star-shaped.

And I suspect the reason you found the answer hard is that you fell into the same linguistic trap. 100% autistic sounds very absolute, as if it's the only thing that defines him. But of course it's not.

Your son is 100% autistic, but also 100% lots of other things.