Feeling frustrated about preventable behavior at school

[EnglishRose1320]

Just had a phone call from school to inform me my son will be having an after school detention for punching another child, totally agree with him having a consequence but feel frustrated that the school haven't been listening to my concerns about how he isn't coping with break and lunch time, feel this could have been avoided if they had actually listened. I'll try to keep this short but not too much drip feeding, he is 10 on the waiting list for an autism assessment and struggles to walk away from situations, it just feels like the school only takes action after incidences rather than putting preventatives in place. How do I get them to put support in place before he becomes the problem child, he is very bright and 90% of the time a lovely boy but if this behaviour carries on that is all people are going to see. Sorry for the rant, hope it sort of makes sense. Any advice greatfully received.

Sight not site! Whoops

He is also still struggling with the other child and I don't want to be the parent that goes in and makes a fuss all the time but equally he needs more support. Trying to write an email to the head a but not making much headway.

Thanks Polter, I've got a draft email that I am going to get my OH to read before I send it.

Find the SN board as its sounds like you need some support. Poster is spot on and wise and helped me in the past. I can here the tiredness and exasperation in your post and share your feeling as I have a ds .awaiting a HFA assessment.
When you write to HT copy in your senco as if your ds is on a waiting list for assessment, the school should be doing much more to support your ds during unstructured times.

Hi there,

We're moving this thread over to our SN Children topic now, at the OP's request.

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice and support so far.

This is an interesting read. I would agree if your son was bottom of the class he would get more help, But hes reaching their educational targets.
I would question the other childrens motives, they know when a child will spark , and now they can play up and your son gets the blame.
I would question the culture of assuming guilt without digging deeper ... whilst I agree he shouldnt hit out, the others shouldnt wind him up... also a life lesson

Thanks for all the advice and replies so far. I have managed to move the thread into the right area now I think.
Yes that's what I think my ds is struggling with most Sally, not that he is in trouble for hitting but that others never seem to be in trouble for their actions

Oh English this is all so familiar I also get the bursting into tears and feeling like a muppet bit! However when you cry in front of the right person it finally hits home how difficult your finding things.

Email example is great. I also found that school weren't interested in discussing what the other child did and would use we can't discuss them/their consequence as confidential. I would just say that I would be following it up through complaints procedure if my own questioning unearthed unfair treatment.

Thanks yourarentkiddingme, I think I might have to do that, I raised a few questions about staffing levels in the playground and the other child's behaviour etc and all I got was, oh we don't know, you would have to ask someone else, very frustrating, hopefully an email will have more responses.

My 10 year old has been ok so far this year - but I was quick when he had a meltdown at home about 2 weeks in because teasing had restarted, to tell the school and expect it to be dealt with. I had to use the bullying word last year to emphasise the seriousness of what was going on.

He's had a few detentions since year 3 (when they didn't know what to do as they'd never had to give a detention that young :( ) mostly triggered by hitting other boys. And certainly the more recent incidents were clearly ones where others were winding him up, but his school has an absolute policy on anything physical. Now he seems to have got the message that he can't possibly lash out - but to be honest I've been meaning to tell the school that if it happens again I will not support him being given a detention for it, as if he's been wound up to that extent again it's not IMO his fault what happens.

Hope you can get the answers and support that is needed.

Thank god I found this thread. My son, just 11, has been getting in these situations. As he is getting older he is finding it hard to control his temper, this is also combined with other children knowing that if they goad him enough he will snap. He is really trying hard though and he does know that he shouldn't do it. He is in the process of being diagnosed with, they think, ADHD. It is a long process though and, in the only time he has seen the consultant, she seemed to want to push medication. I really feel that he doesn't need it, he just needs help coping with his feelings.

As with your children he is very bright with no developmental delays. We have been fortunate with good teachers who seem to understand him. I have also found out this week that from last week he has started seeing one of the TAs at one lunch time a week who is doing some anger management with him.

Today he was getting himself into a temper as he was playing with a group of boys in his year and he felt they weren't playing fairly (something he is passionate about) and so he was trying to manage his feelings as he said he could feel himself getting annoyed, so he walked away from the game. Unfortunately he inadvertently walked across another year groups game, they then circled him and said nasty things which culminated in him punching one of the boys.

Anyway I only know this as the parent of the boy came and told me, she was also telling me that this has happened before. However as she is telling me this her son is saying to her that it was my son this time but it wasnt the others so she then turned around and told him to go away. My son is now becoming the scape goat as he was the one to be physical. I know that the mum is unhappy about the physical thing but I feel annoyed that she is now trying to say that it has happened before when he child is stood there saying that it hasn't! I am going to go into school after school tomorrow and speak with the teacher. As I really do not want my son to get in trouble as some parents are making things up!

I just don't know how to help my boy now. He is a really loving child. Very very emotional, for example he gets really upset at sad films or programs (he cried his way through Home and inside out) but he finds controlling his temper hard and other children have now picked up on this and so I can see it being a vicious cycle.

I hope you don't mind me jumping in on this thread. I nearly cried when I read it as it helped me feel not so alone in this.

Boodles you are more than welcome to jump on the thread and sorry to hear you and your ds are having such a tricky time. I completely understand the issue with things having to be fair, my ds gets into such big stresses over things not being fair.
With regards to the other mum, it is horrible when they ce up to you in the playground after school isn't it, I just politely remind them that I am not in school and as far as I am aware the school has dealt with it.
My ds had an okay ish day at school, a fee little incidents which I hope don't brew into anything bigger.

Sorry Poster, mine was a x post, your right probably starting a new thread is best

Thank you, I will start a new thread now. EnglishRose, glad to hear your son had a better day today.