In laws denial.

[2boysnamedR]

Ds (3) is non verbal and started asd preschool. MIL asked after my oldest (good looking, smart) eldest boy, but nothing about the three year old.

Posted his first day on FB ( I hate FB) so she just liked it but no questions at all about how he's getting on, enjoying it etc.

Her friends are making comments that most kids with asd are very smart and get on amazingly well. But ds is totally non verbal, never said mummy. He's one of 12 kids in a setting which if I'm honest probably takes the worse asd kids within my county.

How long can she keep this up? When he's not talking at six? 11? When he's doesn't move into mainstream? When he's still wearing nappies at 13??

It's been a big issue with ds2 who she only reluctantly accepts has dyspraxia ) but cousins son has dyspraxia and a degree - which to her means dyspraxia = degree).

I know I shouldn't care but maybe I'm just better off keeping ds3 life to myself. I could easily do that. She's not hands on. Sees him maybe 24 hours a year

First and foremost I hope that DS3 goes onto have many fab times at his preschool.

Your MIL is an utter bitch of the first order. Overt favouritism needs to be stamped on immediately by both you and your DH. Such can and does affect relationships between siblings. Of course its alright to care, its your child she is ignoring here.

Your H is key here; what is his relationship like with his mother these days?.

I would stop using FB as well, you hate using that anyway.

I would also keep all of you at arms length from this horrid woman who ignores one of her grandchildren because of her prejudices. Tell her also what she deserves to know i.e. nothing. If she only sees him for a day a year that is an easy aim for you to achieve anyway.

Thanks dh just tried to pretend mil doesn't exist. He's not her favourite offspring. He says all the right things to me but won't approach her or call her up on her actions.

She is putting all efforts into ignoring his issues. Maybe to pretext herself but more likely to save face amount her friends with her "perfect" family

But if or when she does eventually acknowledge the issue, you do realise that it will be all your fault, don't you? Nothing whatsoever to do with her side of the family. I remember talking to my MIL about DD's mildish SN and commenting that it could be hereditary - she was very quick to jump in and say that there was nothing like that in their family, despite the fact that it's obvious to everyone else that BIL is clearly not neurotypical and DD's difficulties are equally clearly of a similar nature.

Well DH carries a genetic duplication on a gene linked to asd and language disorders. But guess what? No questions was asked when we emailed dh family saying they might want to get tested.

I had got it wrong, they was saying its a deficiency (in a DNA? That didn't come up in my biology degree!) and they (St George's doctors) had made a mistake ( three times in three separate dates as dh and two kids carry the duplication).

If another child with sn is born cue the I wonder why? There's nothing like that in MY family ( dh has no qualifications, I'm a graduate. We now think we know why he failed all his gcse's, at first I thought was because he mucked about. Now we think he mucked about to hide that he couldn't do it)

MIL asked after my eldest boy, but nothing about the three year old

Her friends are making comments that most kids with asd are very smart and get on amazingly well

She is putting all efforts into ignoring his issues. Maybe to pretext herself but more likely to save face amount her friends with her "perfect" family

DH carries a genetic duplication on a gene linked to asd and language disorders. But guess what? No questions was asked when we emailed dh family saying they might want to get tested

There is literally nothing you can do to reverse self-delusion and ignorance as powerful as that. She's kept it going for two generations now, and she cares more about what her friends think than what her family needs. How long can she keep it up? Forever would be my guess.

Attila's absolutely right - if she is overtly favouring the other DCs, you need to stamp on it hard. But I wouldn't hold out any hope of changing her outlook. She's fucking lucky to get one day a year, imo.

I have a completely non verbal (no words whatsoever, not a yes or a no or a mama) 3yo with almost certain ASD, so we are in similar boats.

I want to hear all about your DS' first day at pre school and how you found him being there.

Thank you for asking

It was hard for me. I drove him in and we waited outside the six foot gates while the other kids with ASD and wheelchair bound kids was safely inside ( I have visions of them all making a break for freedom if they open the minibus doors and the gate at the same time!)

Ds ran into the setting ( good memory from his settling in day before summer)

He made a bee line for the desk which he mounted with the ease of a gazelle - then fell straight off the other side. I told the staff it was so nice not to have to apologise for him or explain why he was being a pita!

He is a funny little thing and plays me for a fool I think as he was straight into using pecs with gusto to get as much food into his face as possible at snack time.

He came home on the mini bus today holding hands with his escort ( who I wouldn't rate his chances if ds bolted) all full of smiles being a perfect little angel - until the escort turned to leave he decided it was a good time to roll on my filty doorstep. ( ds - not the escort)

I was so proud of him. I was also very sad that he needs to be there. You know, I'd rather be at ms telling the other mums that he memorised his alphabet backwards at 18 months but hey, another life, another time.

It's totally the right place for him and a world away from my four tribunals for his elder brother. No more " you just don't get him" business. They totally get him. They "got" him before they met him

There are very friendly kids there too. I count myself lucky as I think they have seen most aspects of asd including kids who at first glance seem fine ( but not too fine - it's for the kids who ms is not a option).

No one gets ds2 if that's any consultation. Harley street doc said she sees one kids him a year. He has a "highly uneven profile" typical and just my luck!

Toddler went off fine. Loved the bus. Teacher phoned and he's happy. Even she commented on his amazing pec motivation with food! Feels like I starve him. He might put a few stones there!

Let's see his motivation levels with a potty. I think she will see his more typical "oh no - sorry I don't understand this pecs business" then!

I'm delighted that your DS3 is in the right setting for him. I empathise enormously with the sadness you feel that he needs to be there.

As I said, my 3yo has no spoken language at all, and, to us, almost certainly has autism. We've started an ABA programme at home, to teach him basic skills that he doesn't have (receptive commands, matching, imitation etc) and we are five weeks in. We've also started using PECS. He is doing so well, and his baseline was very low. I swing between feeling enormously proud of how is is coming on, and devastated that we are in this situation, and so, so sad.

It must be incredibly hurtful for you to have your MIL's attitude and behaviour to deal with on top.

I don't know any children with downs ( well a mum I know but never met her son or any of her kids)

People do like to put people into nice fitting boxes. Ds2 fits nowhere. He's just complex ( I say quirky). If you don't fit into a box you must be wrong attitude - sigh

Yes it could be unbearable crushingly sad but I have done this before with my older boy. It's our normal. It's normal for us. We are all happy. But I worry about our future.

You get very hardened after many years. At a family wedding a aunt asked how I was " busy and tierd as he's got asd" she said "I know he has, how are you really feeling?" I had a proper think "I'm fine" and that's true.

It stopse sweating the small stuff. Is my house clean enough? Is dh a perfectly good dh would I could be married to Brad Pitt? Will I ever fit into those jeans again? Should I be promoted at work? Meh! Who cares! It's swings and roundabouts. It's not all bad because it can't be. This is your life too

Yes we are a very happy family too. The main source of arguments is our stroppy nt pre teen!

So glad DS2 is enjoying pre-school, it sounds really great. My inlaws don't have favourites thank goodness but they are in denial about my dc's disabilities. Phrases like "well, he's not really disabled" and "he doesn't really need a wheelchair" are often used to describe DS2, as if the NHS/DWP give out wheelchairs and HRM dla to anyone who asks.

PS I have dyspraxia and a degree but don't worry, I won't tell your MIL . I had a lot of support and my reading skills aren't too bad. It's writing at any kind of speed and general co-ordination that are my main problems so with someone to scribe for me, a laptop and with a course that was mostly essay based with no exams I managed ok.

I have dyslexia and a degree but that's thanks mostly to essay based English gcse! I have a language based job - thank god for spell check! I can't really write documents.

I think mil thinks that dyspraxia is some kind of gift. Also her logic only applys to thinks that suit her.

I have been debating phoning ss to assess me for direct payments this week so that's another nail in our family coffin. That's how desperate we are for help and they are oblivious