Is separation anxiety common in children with ASD? Unhelpful comments by friend today!

[Mayor]

DD will soon be 6, and has suspected (not yet formally diagnosed)Aspergers. She has terrible anxiety about being left with anyone else eg grandparents babysitting, even if it's planned for the evening when she's asleep. On the rare occasion we need to go out and leave her she cries, pulls at our clothes, gets to the point of hyperventilating. She also does this on my work days.
A friend has said I need to just go out regardless, more often, as she can't still be doing this when she is older and she needs to learn to manage. I feel that it's not something that she will necessarily learn to deal with by me going out more often, if anything maybe that will make it worse? As she has never got better about me going to work (only part time). Does anyone have any experience or more knowledge? I now feel guilty I'm making the situation worse.

I don't know if it is common but it was certainly a big issue with my ds. I didn't know he had ASD until he was 10 but it certainly became clear from a very early age that he couldn't be left with anyone without screams and crying even if he knew them well.

He did grow out of it. Gradually we found people he was comfortable with and left him for short times. We started with him at home and then in others' homes. Group settings were always most difficult. It wasn't smooth. If he was anxious for another reason it would be very difficult again.
We did this mostly by trial and error and it was very tying for a long time. I don't think forcing it would have helped but I am a great believer in not forcing things anyway.

He is 18 now and it isn't an issue though we can't leave him overnight alone.

Yes. From what ive seen very common and totally logical.

If the world is a bug scary place but mum helps me makes sense of it and makes it work for me, if mum isn't there its a very scary thing.

It is only a belief but from what I have seen you need to increase the places that "work", thereby increasing your DDs experience of success interactions. In a way both you and your friend are right: She does need to get used to it bug you will only do that by dealing with as many of your DD'S anxieties.

Transitioning with something from home can be a good plan or something specific from you. DD is neurotypical but she still has one of my scarves. DS is not neurotypical form the age of 2 to about 7 a cuddle toy tended to go with him even if only in the bag.

we did work on this with ABA staff
In effect I went out of the door and DS was rewarded for 'keeping it together' until I came back.
We started with seconds and built up the time (although he actually stopped doing it pretty quick once he realised i would always come back)
DS already used a reward approach / token system to manage behaviour so it was easy for us to use this to teach him to tolerate separations as we had used it to teach lots of other things.
We find with DS he actually adjusts quickly when we target something - but usually a whole new issue pops up somewhere else!

Using timers or teaching to tell the time or even morning, afternoon evening and doing a schedule can help too

Oh yes very much a problem here. Any default situation e.g. Being at home in the evening with ASD can become a 'pattern' which causes anxiety when messed about with. Plus home plus mum are two great sanctuaries from a confusing and scary world.

Of course the situation can improve (your friend is right on this front) but with ASD is likely to need more 'scaffolding' and support (which your friend knows probably v little about).

DS is the complete opposite - he has ASD but always left us very easily to go to nursery or a friends house. In fact, in wish he didn't part so easily as I see it as a sign of the ASD. I think it's a good sign to be a bit clingy.
The situation with your child must be very difficult. I would find it hard to leave her if I was you. It would be hard to go out an relax knowing she was wanting you. It's difficult as you obviously need to go out without her at times.

I think that anxiety is quite common with ASD.

I think its very normal without disabililty if you let it happen.

If you let it happen?

This place gets more like the Daily Mail each day.

See, I think the "if you let it happen" mindset is one that is commonly held, and may be the reason for my current paranoia and doubting myself. Which is why I was asking specifically for children with ASD whether separation anxiety is common. I don't mean crying when you leave, I mean extreme upset to the point of hyperventilating meaning that every time you leave the house you feel shit and don't enjoy yourself as you know it won't stop until you return. Very different to the few tears that people imagine if they've not experienced it!

Thank you to everybody who has offered sympathy and advice. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Dd3 is nearly 13, has Asd and separation anxiety, it is a massive part of our life! We did not "let it happen" and constant separation has not made it better, going to schoo everyday made it worse if anything!

I agree with thise who say you need to find one or two safe places to practice being left but even then expect things to upset the balance!

Dd3 has managed short stays of one or two nights with school and scouts but is always ill and exhausted when she comes back.

You are definitely not alone!

Im sorry i shouldnt have said it that way, i was out of order, im just so frustrated that i am taking my anger out on the wrong which is totally wrong,so i do apologise xxx

No I'm sorry - I over-reacted. There's a poster on the education boards who's been winding me up this week. Mustn't let them get to me!

I'm sure this is not untypical. Leaving any child distraught can't possibly be good for their mental wellbeing and a child struggling to make sense of a confusing environment, will really suffer.

It really is baby steps with separation anxiety unfortunately. It's incredibly difficult if you have to work though.

Yes Mayor, definitely. My dd has only just been diagnosed at the age of 12 but separation anxiety has been a constant in her life. She is only now able to go to bed on her own after years of needing me to sit with her in the bedroom until she was asleep. She still needs me there quite a lot of the time and will sometimes wake minutes after falling asleep, frightened and confused.

She has at different points in her life cried, begged and pleaded with me not to leave the house for a night out; she gets beside herself with anxiety and on those occasions I really don't want to go out and it invariably ruins my evening and of course, hers.

She is currently out of school due to an extreme bout of separation anxiety; she couldn't bear to stay at school in case something happened to me in her absence although this type of anxiety has diminished a bit recently.

It's really tough isn't it?

My DS is 4 and recently received his ASD diagnosis. He has been in nursery 8 months and I still go full time with him. I was really happy recently that I have been able to leave the room for seconds without him getting very upset but have very little idea about how to get from where we are just now to P1 next year..without wishing to derail the thread, how did you all manage to get your children happy to be left at nursery?

That sounds tough People - my DD cried a lot every time she went to nursery and hated it. I expected school to be terrible, but actually because of the strict routine she was much much better at school once she realised the same things happen every day. I think it was less chaotic than nursery and more organised and that helped. It sounds like you could do with speaking to the school well before your DS starts (before the summer hols) to come up with a plan to help him with settling in. it's really tough. My DD gets really anxious and cried a lot during the summer hols before starting school.

Thanks to everyone who has shared their experiences on here. I feel less alone, and better that others have had difficulty enjoying time away when leaving an upset child. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to leave her so upset.