Possible ADHD? But he's fine at school???

[CandyLane]

DS is 6 and I'm really struggling with his behaviour. He ticks a lot of the boxes for ADHD whilst he's with me but he's absolutely fine at school and his teachers have no concerns. He's sociable, he's very bright and is doing exceedingly well, despite being one of the youngest in his class.
But it's like he turns in to a different child once he steps out of the clsss room, he has tantrums and gets very angry about very little, he struggles to wait for anything, once he decides he wants something he wants it right that second. He repeats himself quite a lot, eg if he asks me a question and I say "I don't know" he will just continue to ask me the same question over and over with us both getting more and more frustrated.
He's a very bright child which leads him to commentate on everything that happens and asks sooooo many questions, it's just exhausting.
He can sit and read or colour for quite a while but there's little else that can grasp his attention for more than a minute or two.
This week he's been grounded for crossing a road which he knew he wasn't to cross and he knows that we always find out when he does, he knew if he crossed that road he was getting grounded for a week, but he still did it.
Part of me thinks he is just a normal, bright, inquisitive, mischievous 6 year old boy..,but another part of me wonders if there's a problem with him.
It's often like he just doesn't hear me when I'm telling him to stop doing something and then I eventually end up having to yell to make him listen, and then I feel guilty, but he just DOES NOT LISTEN.

But he's fine in school.

Is it possible that there is a problem even though school haven't noticed one? If he did have ADHD surely he can't just turn it on and off?

My son has ADHD and they definitely knew at school, pretty much from the first day at reception. He couldn't sit down at all during school time, just wandered around the class room. They had to constantly call his name (still do) to get his attention. He fidgetted constantly too.

ADHD can't be turned on and off, but kids with ADHD can still concentrate on things they really like. They find it impossible to concentrate on things they don't like.

CAMHS gave us and the school a connors questionnaire to fill in. It graded how easy or difficult certain activites were. The school and home results followed exactly the same pattern, but our home results were more exaggerated. Sometimes children with SEN hold all their emotion in at school and then it comes out at home - in their safe place. Essentially though it showed that our DS demonstrated the same behaviour at school and at home. I would expect to see a similar pattern in other children with ADHD as it makes sense.

I hope this helps.

Ds has a recent diagnosis of HFA. We had to fill in a questionnaire that covered ADHD, at home, ds scores highly, but at school nothing. This rules out ADHD as a dx as it would show at school apparently.
The paediatrician explained that anxiety can sometimes present as ADHD type behaviour, and in ds's case, as he masks how he is feeling in school, they don't see anything unusual.
A lot of your descriptions of your ds sound like my son's behaviour at home.
Ds's teachers can see very subtle signs of something (although in their questionnaire they categorically said he didn't have ASD), but as he isn't a problem in school, they don't need to focus on him, so it's easy to miss stuff.

DS1 has ADHD and has the same behaviours in school as at home, and also at clubs, at the park, with friends and family. It's not something he can turn on and off as often he isn't aware that he's doing something, or will do/say something impulsively but then realise what he's done afterwards. Where you say about him crossing the road, did he do it consciously, knowing that he wasn't allowed, or simply without thinking?

A lot of the ADHD symptoms can overlap with other conditions, have you looked up ASD at all?

TBH most of that sounds like typical 6yo stuff to me.

But LeChien is right too - sometimes when you have a marked difference between school and home behaviour, it's because the child is able to hold things in when at school and the effort of this leads to poor behaviour at home.

The adhd nurse I saw about ds said it is possible to comply at school, then everything comes spilling out at home time - my ds1 is the same. A little treasure for his teacher, a delight (and so on). I've seen him in school, the behaviour he has displayed would certainly tick some adhd boxes but school say he is fine...

Her reasoning for his is ds1 does actually want to comply, and doesn't want to draw attention to himself. Plus in reception there is a fair amount of free choice so ds can do what he wants to do. There is slightly less in year 1, but free choice is still available.

I've also been told ds1 is still only young for a formal diagnosis. They'd look at that more when he starts juniors. However, the paeds and professionals we see do say it is very likely adhd with him. They have ruled out asd as he doesn't tick enough of those boxes. Although, again, he does have traits.

If he is fine at school but not home I would be thinking asd not ADHD.

Ds2 was diagnosed this year with adhd, at the age of 12. He coasted through school fairly well in the earlyyears, but as more was expected of him his behaviour deteriorated greatly.

Some of what you say about your ds really resonates with me. I don't think my Ds's symptoms were as obvious when he was younger, but now it is really apparent. He is now on medication and doing really well.

My DS, who is 12, was only dx'd at 10. Up to this point, I don't think it was a case of not showing any signs in school. It was a case that school labelled him already that they weren't willing to look at other options.

I first flagged it up when my DS was 4, but got brushed off until I started to push more.

Although, it could be ASD or anxiety based also.

Interesting - DD1 (12) has just had a diagnosis for the inattentive, not hyperactive variant of ADHD, so her behaviours are possibly a bit more subtle than your son!

But I would agree with the scenario minisoks describes, in that we have a very compliant child who wants to fit in at school, and it's at home where the effort of trying to organise, focus and follow instructions all day spills out. We have had big fights over homework this past year so it was a relief to see that her 'daydreaming' and inability to just get her work done was for good reason... Her teachers had noticed difficulties with concentration and following instructions, but because she was coping (with a lot of effort and support from me at home) it wasn't flagged up as a major concern.

I think it's definitely worth keeping tabs on how this pans out, and keep the school informed of your concerns.

DS was a nightmare at home and at school. If school requires the child to show some kind of personal organisational skill (such as having the right equipment, even its just pencils and paper taken from the correct drawer) and they can comply, I can't see this as ADHD. If school is directing every move then maybe it is. DS couldn't even manage hanging his coat up and lost countless items of clothing

My DS is exactly the same snakes needs constant micromanaging. Totally chaotic and has no organisational capability at all, love them but it can be frustrating

Hi
Watch and wait. As kids get older, sometimes it gets clearer. Essentially you are describing some impulsivity and lack of inhibition. The lack of inhibition may be more apparent where he feels most comfortable, i.e. with family. Is he aware that his incessant questioning is annoying, but does it anyway, or is he unaware?

I guess you have a subtype of ADHD vs high functioning asd vs normal kid.

Waiting a few years may clear this up. Of course if seriously disturbing you will have to get him assessed.

Long shot OP, but your post is me, but a decade in time!! Your son sounds EXACTLY like my 6 year son currently and I just wondered what happened with your son, and now at 16..what is he like!? It could be me who wrote the original post 😭

Well I've just been notified that I posted on this thread ten years ago and I said "That sounds like typical 6yo stuff" - my 6yo-at-the-time was later diagnosed with ADHD.

Oops

(I must have had an inkling though or why did I opt into the SEN section?)

At 16 he is doing great. Things markedly improved at 7, then got a bit rocky towards the end of primary, secondary school was an improvement again.

Really pleased to hear he’s doing well!

We have had an ASD / ADHD assessment for our 6 year old but the psychiatrist didn’t think it was either and is leaning more towards anxiety with some sensory traits. We are not wholly convinced however and feel it may come out a bit later down the line. In the meantime doing all we can to help support any anxieties he might have.

Great to hear, 10 years later, that your son is doing well and is happy - hopefully that’ll be us in 2035!

Thanks for replying 😊

To be fair, DS1 does have anxiety as well and this was picked up by the original doctor who assessed him, she said she was more worried about his anxiety than his ADHD and that turned out to be true. The anxiety has caused more issues. His ADHD is quite mild really, I wanted him assessed because I was diagnosed myself in 2016 and it helped me so much to know.

I now have a 6yo who is much more "classically" hyperactive and it really does cause problems at school as well as home. He's already diagnosed and I had thought autism as well, but the assessment said no. He can present as quite anxious and that comes out in behaviour where he tries to control everyone to make the anxiety go away.

Hi,
It's been a while since I was last on this forum.
My son, has now finished Uni, got a good grade, has a good job, made friends in Uni, for the first time.
However, we still need to keep a close eye, with the patience and understanding that only a parent can give. Does he appreciate it, yes, but not always! The next step, is for him to move out of home. He is now 25 years old, his younger bros, have their own appartments already. Whilst we enjoy having him (sometimes!), it is for his own development he needs to move.

The important change has been, he now realsies, after about 7 years, what the ADHD medication does for him. Therefore, can put up with the side effects he experiences. Also he now has friends.

Hope that is helpful?

Yes, my husband was diagnosed in 2020 with ADHD and has some anxiety so there is that link.

My son has always been cautious and reluctant to do things and he does get anxious so perhaps that is what it is…especially as he’s so “normal” at school and does Beavers (scouts if you’re not from the UK!?) and football and again is fine in these settings, though he can get worked up beforehand.

At home, he can be manic, he can get floppy and roll about, is disobedient and challenging, is so controlling over me and demanding of me…who knows and I guess time (10 years maybe!) will tell.

It sounds more like Autism with PDA then ADHD. Many children with autism mask in school. But just seen it's a 10 year old threat. I hope OP has found pit more and it's going well for her ds.