How hard is it to explain about what is appropriate?

[amynnixmum]

Just had a difficult incident at school. DD was late coming out so ds had gone off to play with some other children and although I had 1/2 an eye on him I wasn't watching closely as he has got so much better with his behaviour. Then a mum came past me with her lad in tears and ds following some way behind looking anxious so i knew he was involved.

Apparently this mum had looked over to see ds with his hands around her son's throat and as ds is so big thought he was a big boy bullying a smaller one and hurried over to intervene. She went over to the teacher to complain about what had happened and i bought ds over to try and sort things out.

Ds kept saying that he had been trying to cuddle this boy not hurt him. The mum was really nice about it and the teacher chatted to both boys but clearly this mum felt that ds had deliberately been aggressive and I can understand why as by this stage ds was angry.

Anyway the teacher managed to get ds to apologise but he wouldn't shake hands and we all left. At home when we talked it emerged that he had been trying to give this boy a cuddle and when the boy had pulled away because he didn't want one ds had grabbed his neck to pull him back. Then not surprisingly the other boy pushed him away and ds was upset and pushed him back. Cue the boy's mum having a go at ds.

We talked for 10 minutes but I still don't know if he really understands what he did wrong. He thought at first that it was just the pushing and as the toher lad had pushed first he felt justified in pushing back and therefore indignant when he was told off by the boy's mum.

I managed to get him to understand that grabbing him by the neck was wrong and why the mum told him off but I really don't think he understands that it is wrong to try and force someone to give you a cuddle. Poor ds he was so hurt that this boy didn't want a hug as he likes him. I wish i could make him understand that its ok if the someone else doesn't want to hug and thats its wrong to try and make them do it even if you want to hug them.

If you read this far then thanks Ds has been doing so much better recently that its easy to forget that he still has problems. The paed has even decided to delay assessing him for AS for the next year due to his progress over this year. Any advice would be appreciated but really just needed to get this off my chest.

ohh poor chap
sorry no advice but just wanted to say something.

Hi sorry you have had a hard day. My ds can "lose it" quite quickly if things (or people) don't go the way he wants. Like most AS kids he misreads social signals and can come on too strong. This is one area I have found it helpful to have the AS diagnosis. If a situation like this occurs I just say sorry I will talk to ds but he does have AS and this is an area he finds difficult. I have found that other parents tend to be more understanding then.

Its great that your ds is showing affection towards his classmates even if it is not always reciprocated. I'm sure this incident will be all forgotten about at school by tomorrow, try not to dwell on it. Its brilliant that your ds is doing so well in general.

i could have written your post!

all you can do is keep explaining and explaining, some things just don't stick. i agree that sometimes having that dx of ASD is reallyhelpfull at times....only at times though
hopefully your ds's behaviour will continue to improve and you wont need to worry about it anymore

Thanks for the messages. I did explain to the mum that he finds some things difficult and that we are working with him on stuff like this and how much progress he's made etc. She was nice about it as people tend to be when they realise that your child isn't just a nasty little thug. Its just I think I'd convinced myself that he had learnt about stuff like this and today I realised he hasn't. Its so hard to know what his real level of understanding is as he is very bright and knows the right answer to questions about social situations even when he doesn't really understand inside.

I was pushing for a dx but since he has had his statement and gets fulltime 1:1 at school he has made so much progress that I can't see that a dx would really make a difference at this stage. The paed hasn't taken him off the waiting list we're just delaying for a while and seeing how things go.

Would a social story help him to see what is appropriate and what isn't? They work well with my 2 boys but obviously every child is different.

I hope you're okay. xx

Thanks coppertop.

I hadn't thought of that. We've used social stories before and they worked well but haven't needed them for over a year now. Will think about this tonight and chat to his TA tomorrow and see if she has any ideas.