Resentful to DH about ASD

[DustAnybody]

Hi I've changed my name as don't want to be identified. I have had strong suspicions that DD1 is on the spectrum for a while. It is only mild as she is quite high functioning to some extent. I have only recently started pursuing this with health visitors and doctors etc. However i mentioned it to MIL and she agree, stating that DH was on the spectrum. This was news to me. I had known he was a quirky character (his dad is worse) but had never put 2+2 together until now. He was terribly naughty as a child and ended up in a residential school. The thing is I am starting to resent him for it. I blame him for DD1 behaviour and I have considered divorcing him. I wanted another child but am reconsidering;as u dont want to risk another child with more sever ASD. I have not said this to him, and a big part of me feels guilty for feeling this way. What can I do? Has anyone else had this? I don't know who to talk to about it.

Hi, really sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm trying to put some perspective on it as well. Firstly divorcing your husband isn't going to change your DD. In fact if she is on the spectrum it may have a very negative impact on her behaviour. It really isn't your husband's fault. Are you more resentful of the fact he has not mentioned it to you rather than 'passing' it on? ASD isn't the end of the world. It really isn't. You say your husband is quirky, your daughter probably is as well but I know that it is very difficult to see beyond the behaviour sometimes.

I think the most important thing is to get the help and support you need with your DD and also sit down and talk with your husband about his ASD. Maybe you could start with casually mentioning that his mother told you that he is and go from there.

I think we all look to blame something or someone when our children are different and we tend to blame ourselves first. But inevitably that helps neither us or our children.
I hope it all works out for you.

As a side note, high functioning autism doesn't mean it's mild. There is no link between function and severity.
Also whilst you may have a higher chance of having another child on the spectrum it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I have had more children since my eldest on the spectrum and 2 of them are as well. They are all so different from each other and very much blessings. I've learnt so much from them. I see things differently. And on my worst days they honestly keep me going.

Surely the reasons for you considering a divorce lie deeper than he possibility the he may have an ASD? I dont want to sound unsympathetic, because i understand your resentment, as when you you finally admit to yourself that your childs development isn't following along the expected path you start and look for blame, then you go through a process that some would describe as almost like grieving. Considering all these emotions, are you sure you really blame your DH to the extent that you'd seek a divorce?. If youre on the same emotional roller coaster i was on at this point with my daughter and son, i wouldn't overly trust your emotions at the moment.

It is more the fact i didnt know. And i know its not his fault. And its not his fault i didnt know, cos he didnt know himself! I am being unreasonable in feeling this way i know and i feel guilty and want to stop. I love my DD terribly and will support her forever but it is upsetting. Shes a lovely little girl. My emotions are very up and down so i know your right. Me and DH have had other problems and argumens recently and I think maybe all of it combined i am thinking of extreme measures. Thanks for taking time to reply.

So was your DH actually diagnosed as a child and his parents didnt tell him? or is it just his Mum always suspected?

Your DD is of course wonderful! and even with a diagnosis she still will be, i dont think anyone here would tell you having a child on the spectrum is an easy ride, it isnt. But its far from doom and gloom. My DD is now 12 she was diagnosed when she was 3, she is very high functioning, but also very Autistic. In some respects is like parenting a younger child, but she is mainly fabulous , and she certainly does not give me no as much grieve as your average NT hormonal pre teen.

Without question our life as a family is different to most, but this isnt in a negative way, and we mainly don't notice the difference as they're our normal.

Its unclear. She was told he was "on the spectrum" but he never had a formal diagnosis. I dont know why. She thought he knew and he didn't. Neither of them tick all the boxes for autism or aspergers but there is definitely something there.

Sounds very much like my DH and his Dad (and several other family members on both sides) not of them diagnosed but all very spectrummy.

I think many people who are now adults and appear to be aspergers or higher functioning ASD weren't diagnosed in the past. They were just labelled odd, quirky or naughty.

My MIL thinks that she and some other family members have ADHD but despite trying to refer herself as a young woman she was never diagnosed. DH definitely had some ADHD (non hyperactive) traits and my eldest ds, now adult, has many ASD and some ADHD traits but not enough to get diagnosis.

As people with ASD aren't usually brilliant on empathy I wonder if you feel on your own in terms of supporting your dd and therefore a bit resentful. Does your Dh agree he has ASD traits? Sometimes adults are relieved to know why they have always felt different. I have known parents get diagnosed alongside their children and feel this helps their DC too.

Dust I was told by a GP friend that when things go wrong 99.9% of the population look for someone or something to blame - so don't be hard on yourself.

I recall my son aged 4 throwing up on the dog and finding myself thinking "why isn't DH here when I need him?". I remember it particularly because DH walked through the door moments later cheerfully saying "What's my fault today?"

Your DH and DD will have each other when the mainstream world is getting a bit much. And if you do have another mini-Dust, who knows, your kids may be able to support each other through life when you and DH are not around so much.

Hope this helps