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DS (12/13) ASD, social skills, interactions with others.

7 replies

DoughDoe · 03/06/2015 00:23

DS is in last year of prep school (Y8). He has an ASD diagnosis, he's intellectually able but is a bit tone deaf social skills wise, and he could easily be described as annoying.

He is a 'nice' boy. not malicious, but children will sometimes pick on him and set out to wind him up and he does not cope with this at all.

Anyway, he is now in exam week and essentially after they finish on Thursday school is over, and they do no more learning for the remaining four weeks of term but instead do activities such as going off on residential trip and such like.

He was trying to get us to do a go kart party for the whole school year, which would have cost quite a lot of money, but we suggested that this was a waste of money on children some of whom dislike him (in the event we are spending less money for him to drive some cars on his own). He said 'no they don't, nobody really dislikes me I've had some issues, but it's fine'.

Anyway we have seen how they respond to him, he comes bounding up like a puppy in the morning when he gets to school talk to them, and they just blank him, but he keeps going oblivious.

Apparently prior to half-term they were arranging the groups of rooms they would sleep together in on the trip. Originally DS agreed to be with 3 other boys who are all a bit beta male, which was sensible, but then two days later one or perhaps two of them (he is very vague on this point, as he often is) asked him if he would be swapped for another boy who is also quite beta (he is very small, but has normal social skills), and DS just said 'ok I don't mind'.

Unfortunately the result of this was that he was going to be in a room with one boy who previously picked on DS to the extent that DS ended up punching him. The school were supportive of DS on this point, and when we were summonsed to school to discuss it it was not to ask us to justify his actions but to ask whether they thought it would be helpful to discuss his ASD with the other children, and how he might get wound up by others. (DS was horrified by this suggestion btw.)

Anyway, it seems that today at school one boy, let's call him Draco Malfoy, had told DS that the other boy (whom DS had punched) had complained to his parents about DS sharing a room with him, and they had kicked up a fuss to school. The same thing was said by the boy himself.

Not sure if this is true of course, as it has come from children, rather than anything directly from the school.

Anyway the reality is that none of them really like him, which is unfortunate but it's something he needs to deal with in a sense, although obviously he is finished at the school soon enough anyway. In a way it's tempting to say, fuck the rest of the school year and don't bother going back there.

But we did tell him that he shouldn't let people push him around - he needs to have some sort of social status, the boy who asked him to change rooms is smaller, slower, less sporting, less academic than DS and he shouldn't just be a pushover to whatever other people want him to do.

I am not sure how it will go in his new school, there are under 20 in the year now, and in the new school there will be 200, but we do need some sort of action now and for the future.

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 03/06/2015 07:07

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troutsprout · 03/06/2015 10:35

Am also a bit confused by your post... Not sure what you are asking...but I'll have a go.
Can you help him with his social skills rather than keep focusing where he is in the pecking order.? I think this will help him more overall. Perhaps ask school what you can do to help him build friendships .
"The boy who asked him to change rooms is smaller, slower, less sporting, less academic than DS and he shouldn't just be a pushover to whatever other people want him to do."
It is irrelevant if he's smaller/less sporting/ less academic etc... ( This made me feel a bit uncomfortable tbh). Regardless of this boy seeming 'less' ( to you) , he isn't amongst the boys is he? He's more- his social skills make him more desirable .
If your son didn't mind the change of rooms, then I don't really see a problem. I'm sure the school will think about placing him with the boy he has had problems with before. If not, you could speak to them about it?
Have you spoken to the senco at your sons new school? They may be able to help him with friendships and improve his social skills and understanding. Going up to a bigger school is sometimes a blessing for children with asd anyway as they may suddenly find more children that are like them and they can rub alongside more easily . This was certainly the case in our experience.
Hope it goes well for him

DoughDoe · 03/06/2015 12:26

"Does your ds have a diagnosis of autism?"

Yes I said that in the first line of my post.

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 03/06/2015 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoughDoe · 03/06/2015 12:33

"Can you help him with his social skills rather than keep focusing where he is in the pecking order.? I think this will help him more overall."

Well we try but he is not very receptive.

"he isn't amongst the boys is he? He's more- his social skills make him more desirable . "

My point with regards to pecking order was more a case of DS needing to assert himself, they were obviously happy enough to have him in their group in the first place, so why did he let himself get walked over subsequently. I don't think the other boy is particularly 'more', and tbh his social skills aren't too great either, I just felt it a little odd that he let this particular boy push him around. It was more like 'be aware of what is happening to you' than anything else - be aware that this boy is taking advantage of you, that that other boy hates you (he insists this is not the case), and so on.

The new school does have more support for ASD, but no plan has been put in place there yet.

OP posts:
DoughDoe · 03/06/2015 12:39

Also I suppose the thing that probably outraged us was that if this other boy had complained to the school about being in a group with DS, we were just thinking WTF?! As I explained DS insists that everyone likes him really, he hasn't got a problem with this boy, although as I understand it in the past the other boy had liked to wind him up and say 'don't hit me, don't hit me', I'm not sure if that still goes on. So the idea that they should come to school all het up is bizarre and frankly offensive, and I would have thought the sleeping arrangements could have been sorted out by the other boy just asking the teacher to change them back anyway.

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blankgaze · 03/06/2015 17:47

I'd have a word with the teacher and find out exactly what's gone on so far (as you only have hearsay) then establish who is bunking in with who on the residential.

If that's satisfactory for you and your son, make sure no boys can decide to change the arrangements on arrival or during the stay.

If it's going to be a problem, consider pulling him out.

Social skills have to be learned, almost by rote, nothing goes in by osmosis. Our kids can observe social scenarios a thousand times and still not 'get' the unwritten rules, or often realise that things which apply to their peers also apply to them.

He won't be able to see the other boy is pushing him around, he'll only see himself as being nice and compliant by doing something someone has asked, he won't realise any of the underlying implications, his worldview will be very simple and black and white.

Perhaps that could be a project for you for the long school holidays to prepare him for his transition to Secondary, to look at peoples' behaviour and try to guess the motives behind their words.

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