4 yo with AS driving me crazy. Any advice, tips, recommended reads?

[twinklejute]

Hi there, sorry in advance for the long-winded post. I could really use some advice on how to handle my DS.

Life has always been challenging but these past two months have been increasingly difficult with DS becoming more defiant and clingy. There was a flare up two weeks ago when I was alone with DS all day, he was pushing my buttons and I snapped when he (yet again) refused to do as I'd asked and tidy up a colossal mess he'd deliberately made. Getting nowhere, I ended up shouting at him and then seeing how that didn't work, I ignored him. He followed me around and was visibly upset, eventually he tidied up in a panicked way and I could see that the impact on him had been a bit too traumatic, he was shaken for days afterwards and the knock-on effect was probably more defiance and more clinginess. His sleep was more disturbed and he was more anxious.

Since then, I've been on guard and have avoided confrontation. I tell him when he's done something I don't like (but that I still love him) and have had some success with his behaviour. The house is calmer and he is happier. The downside is that DS is now getting away with all sorts of things and sometimes it feels like he is in charge. This afternoon I could feel my patience wearing thin (again, I've been alone with him all day), we've had a nice time but his boisterousness got the better of me and I said "no" to one of his demands. The stand off was getting out of control and DS was starting to softly headbutt me (!) I had no tricks up my sleeve and felt completely powerless. My instinct in these situations now is to be calm and still and be on alert for any damage he may cause. Luckily my DH came home and the distraction got us out of a brewing situation.

Does anyone have any tips on how to handle demanding 4yo with AS/ASD? Any good books on subject? Parenting is bloody exhausting. Is it time for a drink yet?

Thanks Polter, that all sounds like excellent advice and made me smile. I know confrontation gets me nowhere and baffled it works on any 4 year old to be honest. That positive approach you're suggesting doesn't always come naturally to me but I know you're spot on. Big smiles and big glass of wine at the end of the day!

Off to order the Explosive Child...

Everything Polter says, also Ten Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew, and The Reason I Jump are great reads imo

Other things that have made a big difference here are

a trampoline

as much time outdoors in nature/exercise as possible

swimming

avoiding making demands at all costs

dietary changes and probiotics seem to be helping

tablet with lots of fun educational games on has been great sometimes when DS is getting overwhelmed as this seems to calm him/stop lots of impending meltdowns

Thanks Artichoke,

I read an extract of The Reason I Jump just last week, along with an interview with David Mitchell. Thought he was very honest about his personal life and struggles with his son. The book (what I read of it) had me in tears.

We have a trampoline - it was a great investment but now DS has decided he doesn't go on it anymore. I can only assume it's because we've suggested he go on it one too many times, demand avoidance in action.

iPad is a hit and we have a mixture of educational and fun games. I'm contemplating getting Minecraft on there but a bit hesitant cause it's addictive.

We struggle with food but interested in anything that might help dietary-wise.

I agree with the humour comment. Mys on said he wished my head had been cut off. I said yes! And then my arms and legs then we can throw me in the sea and I will bob up and down and I bobbed around the landing. He walked off in disgust! He did then get dressed though!

But, while I am here, what about when they fight with their siblings? And then get violent? I haven't figured that one out yet! :/

twinkle we've gone gluten and casein free, then slowly reduced sugar/processed food as much as possible and avoid refined sugar, and add probiotic powder to fruit juice daily. DS is a very selective eater but is less of a carboholic now and eating more protein, and having healthier options as time goes by, and occasionally eating something he hasn't touched for months like a banana-I used to in desperation let him have crisps etc regularly as it meant he ate something rather than nothing but he's slowly slowly become more accepting of a healthier diet over the last couple of months. He still won't touch vegetables or most fruits but the surprise banana eating last week was a small miracle The NAS don't advocate a gluten/casein free diet, but after lots of reading I felt it was the right thing for us to try

Gosh Artichoke, I admire your determination with the healthy diet but I find life so hard at the moment, a vitamin sweet at the end of the day feels like about all I can manage.
WhatHappens /

(hugs)
I hope life gets easier for you soon twinkle

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