Hate it when people intervene and feel sorry for me..

[adrianna22]

So, ok, today DS threw a tantrum over something.

I of course had many stares and snide comments. A women, who knows about DS, came up to me and said "Shame, it's hard isn't it?"..wtfs? I just hate it so much, it's even much hard as I'm only 21 and look 2 years younger.

I loathe it when people pity me or DS, or make rude comments that I am an unfit parent. I don't even know know why I care so much!!

Rant over.

I don't think she was pitying you or saying you were an unfit parent. I think she was trying to be nice and sympathize that we've all been there.

I say that sort of thing to people. I feel as though I need to do something to show I am the opposite of a tutting, intolerant person who thinks you should control your child better. I want to show that I have some sympathy.

Of course, you know her, she might have been being awful!

I am disabled and pity is very destructive. Self pity and pity from others. Getting rid of it was an early concern. I have some stock phrases I use which gets rid of it.

Rushing in, also awful. It is the removal of control.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it is when people say "you look very expert, but just let me know if there is anything I can do"

When people mean well it is 100% better than when they don't, for sure.

But hitting the spot by
a) avoiding pitying me
b) making it clear I know best -

those folk are stellar.

I teach my youth club and brownies this in the hope that it will help them to help others.

Meaning well is the start
Getting it right is trickier if not taught

I read it as she was being empathetic. Trying to show she understood.

Sometimes our own feelings can mean we misinterpret others meanings.

Shame, it's hard isn't it?

OK - this is miles better than the "awful parent stares". Definitely.

But I get it Adri - it reminds me of the people who said "oh its awful isn't it" when my legs stopped working.

Both DH and I were tempted to respond with "YES WE KNOW THAT AND IT DOES NOT HELP TO BE REMINDED" Of course we thanked them for their concern because their hearts were in the right place.

BUT - it was SO much better when people said "I'm happy to help if there is anything I can do"

The woman who came up to you Adri does deserve a medal for breaking rank with the crowd of staring parents.

But I totally get it that the medal would be gold not bronze if she had just said "You are doing great, but if I can help you or ds ever, please do ask me"