Should I Say I Feel BFs Ds may Have ASD_ Or Would This Make Things Very Difficult And Cause OffenseF

[colette]

to wait almost 10 years to conceive ds. Ever since he was about 15mnths I have wondered if he has asd ( as that is when he started to push my face away if I came near ) or if he just cannot bear to have her complete attention and is not interested in anyone else.
He shouts over me if I talk to her and she gently reprimands him - he hates change - new clothes etc , will only eat about 6 different foods , repeats the same word over and over. Recently he has taken to shouting , but mostly when my dts are about. Also does not answer or look at me when I ask him a question ? Although very occasionaly he does.
He is now 5 and a half and will play with other children sometimes . Bf does not have any concerns even though hv ( I know - they can be rubbish ) was concerned at 2 yr old check up with lack of inteest in visitor (hv) to house and thought his development was a bit immatutre. Bf took offense (understandable) and has not had any checkups since.

I feel a bit guilty for thinking he may have asd , could he just be overindulged/understimulated socially? Also surely school would have said something- although he does not appear to have much interest in reading or writing .

I don't really think I could express concerns without causing offense - so was hoping that school would pick up on it . Have to bath dts now - will check later. I have not worded this very well but keep putting off posting.

Sorry missed 1st bit should read"bf had

I don't think you can really

I think if there is an issue she will know .. particularly as he goes through school system and she starts to appreciate how he is relative to others .. the school may also talk to her about any perceived problems

all you can do is be a friend to listen to her concerns

I thinkk that most of the time too twiglett - but I am fiding it really difficult to have him around as he is quite nasty to my ds. I am not meaning to insinuate that children with special needs are more like this btw. Just wish that someone would say to her - he is really out of control and things could be improved iykwim.

The thing is bf does not think there is a problem - so much so that I feel quite guilty thinking it and have really tried to "connect" 2 to him.

there's no reason you can't say that to her

"I'm really sorry but we're going to have to take a break on meet-ups with the children because DS is getting really upset at the way xx is acting towards him .. and you can put it down to a phase or use it to explain what is concerning you"

but actually stating that your child doesn't seem 'normal' is totally not your place IMO .. unless friend asks your advice

I would not say that - tbh who is qualified to say .. It is just a niggling worry that won't go away . I think that he would be better off having extra help earlier on

• but I have avoided meeting up because of his behaviour and that is sad because she is wonderful to my children and she is such a good friend. It is very difficult

It's a difficult one but tbh I think that if your friend thinks everything is fine then she wouldn't take too kindly to being told that there might be a problem.

As he is her only child it may be that she doesn't really have anything to compare his development to IYSWIM. I know that if ds1 hadn't been my eldest child I would have noticed that his development was different a lot sooner.

Hopefully the school will realise that there might be a problem but that really depends on how much knowledge the staff have of ASD. It can often be confused with 'naughtiness'.

Coppertop - you have hit the nail on the head. I know in my heart she would shoot the messenger. I wonder about how much schools pick up on it and when? Surely it is usually the parents who voice cocerns . Would a teacher rather not say then be guessing wrong ?
I have an outrageously naughty ds , and bf also thinks he is naughty he is running riot at the mo must put him to bed.

coppertop or anyone
I am still interested to know the role the school should play in assessing if a child needs extra help even if the parent has not asked for it.
I think I had thought that when he started school it would help but it has not - possibly made things worse, he seems more agitated and hurts ds more
. Tbh I have considered saying something many times but always come to the conclusion that I will just create bad feeling. This is why I interested in the schools role for my own peace of mind - it seems wrong that it has not been noticed iykwim.

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School will eventually pick it up if the kid is being very disruptive or falling behind in a major way. If the asd is mild could take a couple of years. A lot of schools tend not to do anything in the reception as they like to see how kids settle in.

Often starting school makes the behaviour worse at home. The pressure to conform at school is great and creates a strain which then comes out at home. I agree with other posters that it is definetely best not say anything to your friend. I know I would have been gutted if someone had "diagnosed" my ds. It will all come out eventually. Obviously if the kids is hurting your ds you have to make sure she is not in danger. Perhaps its best to meet up in the evenings without kids from now on?

Thanks Caroline3 - I will see how it pans out and just be there when or if it unravels. Maybe I am wrong and jumping to conclusions perhaps he is just really ineperienced socially. Bf does let him control her and does not really set any boundries which is really confusing to my 3..
The problem is bf lives abroad and sometimes stays with us for a visit . Her family are quite a distance away and I find it so stressful when they are staying. We have been friends for so long that I do want to handle this the best way.

Collette I see the problem if your bf has to stay with you overnight. This is always a stressful situation even with nt kids I think. My friends know about ds's problems and make allowances. I do try and set firm boundaries but ds still can be very hard to deal with at times. I guess the thing I am trying to say is that even if the school start taking more specific action there is no magic wand, your bf's ds is likely to exhibit difficult behaviours in anycase. I guess if you still want to invite her into your house you will just need to try and relax a bit (but obviously your friends ds should not be allowed to physically harm your kids). You could just tell your kids that bf's ds has a few problems and finds sitting still (or whatever it is) hard.

Thanks Caroline3

The children handle it very well and are fond of him., but ds is usually badly behaved after, shouts and pushes more. I find the noise really difficult to deal with , I feel tense all the time( I know I don't have to put up with it everyday )
I suppose on a purely selfish level I want someone to agree with me and tell me how to best cope.
He played quietly on his own when kids were at school/nursery for a few hours . They must agitate him somehow
I take your point that he will still show some choice behaviour .