Advice regarding very anxious, undemonstrative 2 year old

[Eastie77]

Apologies in advance if I am posting in the wrong section or if my problem seems frivolous or an over-reaction. I am a FTM and I don't know if I should be concerned about my daughter's behavior or not. I do not know any other child who behaves the way she does (and I have over a dozen friends with children of a similar age) hence my concerns. I posted in Behavior & Development some time ago but would welcome a different perspective.

DD will be 2 in June. At home her behaviour is what I would describe as completely 'normal'. She is chatty, affectionate, loves playing with me and DP, seems to be hitting all her milestones. Walked at a year old and her vocab is expanding every day. Lots of imaginative play.

However her behaviour outside of the house is completely different. I posted last year about the fact that when we visited friends DD became very withdrawn, distressed, would not get down from my lap or interact with guests. She would be tearful, alarmed and scream hysterically if anyone tried to pick her up. She would 'warm up' a bit after maybe 2 hours or so by which she would get down from my lap but would not leave my side under any circumstances. At the time of posting several people replied that her behaviour was completly normal for her age and it was not uncommon. Fast forward a year and she is still exactly the same. In fact in some ways I think things have become worse.

• When visiting friends she is still extremely clingy and will cry if I try to put her down to play with my friends children. She descends into absolute hysteria if anyone else so much as touches her.

• She will, after an hour or so, become a bit 'warmer' but for the most part will sit on my lap observing everything in complete silence. She likes babies so when we visit friends with a newborn she will point and say 'baby' or 'baby sleeping' and take an active interest in the baby. All this is done from the safety of my lap. Indeed she will generally only play with another child if she is sitting in my lap.

• She is fine in busy environments. So if we go to the park, museum, soft play she will happily run off and play without a moment's hesitation. She just does not seem able to cope in smaller, contained environments such as a house.

• She is affectionate towards me and DP but seems completely devoid of emotion towards other children. Several of my friends kids will hug and kiss her. She remains completly still when this happens or turns her head away. She does not smile back or attempt to show ANY affection towards them at all. She very rarely smiles back when strangers smile at her. Many people have commented that she is a very serious child. Last week while out shopping we bumped into one of her childminder's other mindees who is the same age as DD. This is a girl whose name DD chants all the time at home. When the girl saw DD she gave her a big kiss. DD just turned away from her. In fact you would not have been able to guess she had ever seen this girl before.

• She is, however, reasonably happy and affectionate towards her childminder. Nevertheless in over a year my CM has only managed to send me two pictures of DD smiling during an activity. She will spend ages trying to coax a smile out of her to no avail. I have seen occasional videos from the CM of her holding hands with the other kids but it is a rare event. In one video that particularly concerned me DD was engaged in an activity (making a pizza) and for the entirety of the video, around 5 minutes, she did not respond once when the CM called her name or spoke to her about what she was doing. The other children around her all looked a the camera, smiled, laughed and chatted. DD just carried out her task with such intensity that she did not look up once. At the end the CM asked her 5 or 6 times to say bye-bye and DD finally said it in a monotone voice without looking up.

So: I know she is still very small but as mentioned I do not know any other child who behaves like this consistently and I know a lot of kids of this age. Something doesn't seem right to me and I'm not convinced this is behaviour she will just grow out of. My parents have told me that my behaviour was quite similar when I was her age but even I was "not that bad"

My specific question to anyone who has got this far: does any of the above behaviour sound like a 'marker' for some kind of developmental problem? Again I'm very sorry if any of this sounds like an over-reaction on my part. I have scoured messages in this section for weeks now in the hope of gaining further information as I did not want to post and take up time when I know there are posters with far more pressing issues. It seems as if professionals are unwilling to diagnose children at a very young age so I am not sure if it is worthwhile asking my GP for a referral to have her seen by a specialist?

Many thanks,
Eastie

I think you are right to be concerned. As I mostly help out parents with Autistic Spectrum Conditions, I am at risk of seeing ASC everywhere as I don't have enough experience of other things. (to a hammer, every problem looks like a nail).

So yes, ASC is going through my mind because you are seeing differences in your dc's social communication in two different places.

But there may be all sorts of other things that might also produce the same behaviours.

But the questions I would try and sort are:-

1. Is it just that she was camera-shy when the CM took the video?
   
   So ask CM if she would mind recoring DC working/playing with the other children without dc being aware of the camera?

2. Is the anxiety only when you are there?
   Again, it is seeking more input from CM

If you see social difficulties/anxiety at both CM's and in get-togethers when you are there, you will have something to show a GP at least to get a marker down.

And social communication would be an issue for a SALT therapist, or do what Polter does and research how a SALT would teach social skills through the conscious channel. My relatives had lots of this type of input - and one is now married and earning, and the other about to leave college.

It is a bit like teaching please and thank you by endless repetiton and lots of praise when it is right, but you are just breaking down all of the bits of socialising into little steps. So for my relatives it would maybe start with 5 minutes of turn taking, as that was what was right for the at the time

Then it built up

Hope this helps a bit

She sounds a lot like my DD was at that age. What (in retrospect) I think was going on was social and/or sensory overload and anxiety rather than a lack of emotion per se. In toddler groups she was extremely wary of other children and clung to me, but did make a couple of friends in quieter circumstances who she behaved 'normally' with and is still friends with years later.

Does your DD talk freely when at the childminder, or out at groups etc? If her speech seems affected, have a read up on selective mutism, there's also a group called 'SMIRA - Selective Mutism Information and Research Association' on Facebook which is very good. You should be able to self-refer to Speech and Language therapy if lack of speech is an issue, though not all areas have SALTS trained in selective mutism.

It's also worth approaching your local Sure Start or Children's Centre for info on where to go for help. If they run toddler groups which you can attend, their own staff may be able to observe your DDs issues which may also be good evidence for referrals.

Two is still very young, but you are right to keep an eye on it and don't be fobbed off by people saying that she'll just grow out of it if you can't see evidence of it happening.

ASD is another potential issue, it can co-exist with selective mutism or not. I don't know if this is also an issue with my DD, it might be but as her symptoms aren't typical of ASD we haven't been able to get her assessed.

Thank you all for your replies. I wrote a long reply yesterday while at work and can see I didn't actually post it:( In summary

Polter - thank you for the Fact Files. I had a quick look yesterday and read through through the Early Years 0-4 one, it looks very interesting.

Senvet - Her anxiety seems to occur even if I am not around. If DP takes her to visit friends she will cling to him but it seems to be environmental e.g. he took her to visit our neighbours and she would only sit on his lap and clung to him. They went into the garden and she got down and started playing on the grass. She talks at the childminders but overall is generally regarded as pretty quiet (her CM says she does have bursts of animation when she will suddenly shout and sing loudly). She apparently often likes to sit on a cushion with a book and the play leader at the sure start centre told me that she loves story time and will sit on the play mat and listen to with rapt attention.

I mentioned very casually to her CM that I had concerns about her development and she looked a bit baffled to be honest so I didn't pursue it. She has looked after and fostered children for 20 years including ones with what she describes as extreme behavioural problems and she is not backwards at voicing her opinions about her mindees so I assume she would have said something to me if she thought there was a problem but I think I will raise my specific concerns with her. She has sent me a video of DD playing in the park with a ball but again DD was aware the camera was on her.

Wafting - I wondered about some kind of sensory problem but what throws me is the fact that she is absolutely fine in noisy, hectic environments. e.g. we went to a friends wedding with hundreds of guests crammed into a small venue in traditional dress shouting and singing loudly (non English ceremony), lots of extremely loud music. DD ran around, weaving in and out of guests, happy as larry. Earlier in the day we were in one of the hotel venue rooms, 3 people getting ready. One tried to help DD up when she tripped and she started screaming. She just does not like people she doesn't know touching her at all. If it was sensory related wouldn't she be freaked out in the noisy environment and less so in the quieter 1-1 situation? I'm no expert at all so may have misunderstood how sensory problems present - e.g is a deep-rooted fear of other people approaching or touching you a sensory issue in itself. She seems drawn to other children but is very, very wary of adults. I hope you are able to get an assessment for your DD. I imagine it must be tricky to get a dx when a child does not display symptoms typical of a specific condition.

Thanks,
Eastie

The sensory stuff can be very hard to unpick and identify exactly what it is that's causing the problem. Especially as something can be fine one day but not the next, depending on other issues such as minor illness / mishaps / upset, which often seem unrelated. That's not to say that environmental sensory stuff is necessarily an issue for your DD, it could be the social contact itself which is overwhelming in some way.

I suppose my point is to bear in mind that what looks like 'blanking' and lack of emotion might not be - it could be that anxiety is shutting down the ability to respond appropriately in that circumstance, eg with a smile, wave, hello or whatever. My DD often blanks even people she really likes, if the situation is 'wrong' and she can't speak to them. For her, blanking is like a 'freeze' (rabbit in the headlights) state of social anxiety, but anxiety can also cause 'fight or flight' reactions which could manifest as crying/shouting/hitting/running away.

It makes no logical sense and it's very difficult to work out what's going on, especially when they are too young to explain. Sorry, this probably isn't directly helpful, as I say it's just something to bear in mind in case it makes sense later on. Hopefully it is just a phase and will pass soon enough

No it's very useful thank you. I think 'freezing' explains DD's reaction quite well. She might be playing happily outside and then as someone approaches, smiling at her and saying hello/waving etc she suddenly stops, becomes anxious and runs to me. This could be someone she knows or a stranger. If we are on the bus and I am holding her and someone smiles and talks to her she will smile back fairly confidently or at least not seem anxious. Different situation and different reaction.

Polter, I have not seen sensory difficulties explained in this way so that is really helpful. DD def. has a issue with being touched in a certain way. Friends now know not to swoop down and try and pick her up or hold her. One of my male friends stoops down and talks to her in very low voice, almost a whisper, and it seems to terrify her. She seems less afraid of people who speak to her in a loud, booming voice!

But she was fine yesterday when a lady with a very large dog approached her (and I thought she was terrified of dogs so I'm thinking I will just have to keep observing and see how she develops. I am sure my local authority conducts a 2 year check up so I will ask my GP.

Thanks all
Eastie.