Support thread for those with dcs considering university/college/moving away from home.

[NoHaudinMaWheest]

I wonder if any one else was at this stage and would be interested in a support thread?
Any advice for those who have already done this stage would be really welcome.

My ds is 18. He has AS/OCD/dyslexia/hypermobility. He is currently doing AS levels and repeating yr 12 as first time round he missed a lot of school due to OCD and was in hospital during the exams. He is doing much better this time.
He is keen to go to uni and to study computer science. He undoubtedly has the intellectual ability though getting the grades is another matter.
He has decided that he wants to go away from home but that will be a major challenge for him. We are beginning to work on independence skills but there is still a long way to go.

We have narrowed down some unis to look at but I am not sure how to assess how much support they will provide in reality.
Frankly I am terrified about the whole thing.
So any shared thoughts fears and experiences very welcome.

Hello. I am 'doing' this stage with DS2 who has HFA and an anxiety disorder. DS2 has had a tricky time since sixth form. He didn't make a successful transition to sixth form study, the school chose to pretend everything was fine, said he was on target for AAAB AS results - he got CCDE. Unlike your DS, the school refused to let him repeat Y12 and wanted him to drop maths in which he got the E grade. (Mostly because of exam panic). BUT DS needed Maths A level to do engineering at uni. The school withdrew A2 Maths tutition despite our protests. We took out a disability discrimination claim and won and school allowed DS to return for a Y14 to do A2 Maths.

At the end of his Y14 DS had 3 A levels BBC grades and got his first choice place to do engineering (though he had just missed the BBB grades they had asked for.) He started in Sep 2013. But we didn't get the support right that year and DS left after the second term as he had fallen too far behind. DS restarted his first year last Sep and this time round he seems to be doing much better - though the exams next term will still be a big issue - he struggles with independent revision and then is very anxious doing exams.

So I am still 'learning' but I have quite a lot of experience, getting Disabled student's allowance, dealing with the uni disability service - because of his communication difficulties DS wouldn't access support without my support! DS has 'practical support workers' (I think that's what they're called!) who take him to lectures, specialist ASD-friendly 'general' mentoring, and his academic dept give him his weekly tutorial one to one, rather than in a group and are now going to put in place academic support with a 'peer mentor'.

DS is at a campus uni near enough home that if living away didn't work out he could live at home. (Though then the travelling would be an issue in rush hour.) This year DS is in a private, rather than uni, hall of residence which is working out better for him as he has (basic) cooking facilities in his room. My DS gets DLA (low rate mobility, middle care) and I am very grateful to the Mumsnetter WetAugust who told me that disabled students can also apply for Housing Benefit - it has helped DS be in the most suitable central accommodation.

It was really hard to 'judge' one uni from another based on support - in theory the same support should be available at all. Our choice narrowed down to only applying to campus-based relatively local unis - and for DS that has been the correct decision.

pannetone thanks for sharing your experience and sorry that things have been a struggle for your ds.

I am interested that you are still actively involved in getting support in place. Like your ds mine will find it difficult to ask for help and the more difficulty he is in the less likely he is to ask.
How did your involvement go do with your ds? and with the university?

We too are looking at places that are relatively easy to get to. Ds's first choices are not the nearest although one would be just about possible as a daily commute in theory. He gets very tired though so probably not really feasible. He is clear that he wants to move away from home though even though we do have a university on our doorstep. It is actually nearer than his school. However the grades required are high and he is unlikely to do that well. We have something of a problem with unrealistic aspirations.

Can I come in? I'm not at the 'leaving home' stage yet but ds is 16, coming to the end of home education, and waiting for confirmation of his college place for September. It's a big step and I'm quite anxious about it. I know he has the intellectual capability for the subjects but his time-management, organisation and motivation cause him a lot of problems it worries me that he might not cope.

I think I'd find it useful to chat with people who are at the next stage and can maybe give advice on how to get through this one.

My ds also has difficulty with asking for help, and in fact doesn't recognise the need to ask for it because he doesn't have the social imagination to see that something is wrong . It worries me that he might be expected to facilitate meeting his own needs in the future when he lacks this very basic skill. So, like you both, I expect to be his 'carer' for some time to come in practical matters, until he develops the ability to manage for himself.

Interesting as our DS also has big problems asking for help. School bereate him for not asking. Tell us the help is there he just has to ask. They never understand he can't or doesn't understand he needs it. Also has problems with understending the level of detail required. Moving away bothers me a as he will 'cope" but won't be coping and then meltdown. Currently repeating his AS year as completely flunked AS's last year DUUU. Not getting hopes up. I think he needs to something quite structured

I had a friend who was home ed and could use all the usual finance that students get for uni to pay for Open Uni - suited him as he could keep all his music pupils going.

My ds has just been re-assessed at uni with a huge great report which has given him a lift and 'explained a lot'. They are giving him dragon dictate now as well as laptops and anything else. Not sure all unis would be as good - this is UEA.

Oh and cousin is just looking for the next thing following 2 years of carpentry so I am chuffed about this thread. I'll be telling ds-i-l about Polters thoughts

Sorry to have started this and then gone awol. It has been a tough week mainly dd wise.

We have booked up for quite a few open days. We have also applied for Bath's taster course aimed at people with an ASC for September. It looks like a really useful few days with both studying and practical living aspects covered. You don't have to be considering Bath, just exploring the possibility of uni. They are taking applications now via Bath website but won't allocate places until July.

Ds needs lots of prompting to get out of bed, washed , dressed, out of the house though once at school he seems to cope quite well. School are discreetly very supportive though. I really worry as to whether he will do anything if I am not there to nag him. And I don't want to have to phone him every morning to make sure he is up!

That Bath uni course sounds good.

My DS is managing to get up and, most importantly, out of his room in his second 'go' at uni as he now has a support worker who takes him to the first lecture of the day. The first time he tried uni in 2013, even if he got up, getting out to lectures was an issue as he finds the 'transition' from the comfortable, non-challenging sanctuary of his room to the bustle, social and academic demands of a lecture on campus difficult. This time round, knowing a support worker is waiting for him in the reception area of his accommodation, works to get him out of his room and into 'student' mode.

DS has managed his first 2 terms of this academic year well in terms of getting to lectures but I am worried about this last term of exams. He has one week of 'revision' lectures when he goes back and then 8 (2 and a half hour) exams spread over 3 weeks. DS has struggled in the past to manage revision - it is too unstructured for him without lessons to attend and teacher input. And then there is the anxiety that comes with having to pass exams....

Oh yes unstructured time is so difficult for ds. He should currently be studying for AS but having started reasonably well he hasn't done much this week. He gets frustrated with himself but just can't do it even with lots of planning and prompting.

Will his support worker be able to help him with revision planning?

I have difficulty working out who does what when it comes to support! The practical support worker comes under Disabled Student's Allowance and only does 'accompanying' - and it has to be academic related, so it could be to a lecture but not to a supermarket. The mentor also comes under DSA support which includes 'study skills' support, but I am not convinced that the mentor talking to DS about how to study gets him very far, especially as it is not subject specific. His department are now arranging for him to have 'peer support' which will be subject specific - 2 sessions a week I think - but it seems a little late when his exams start in a fortnight's time... I asked DS how the revision was going this morning (having got him up at 9.30 - he is at home for a week over Easter) and he said he has started to 'look at' exam papers. I queried the 'look at' bit and he said he wasn't doing them to time yet...

An added pressure is that I didn't check the re-sit period before booking a holiday this summer. It turns out to be the first fortnight in August and we (including DS) are booked to fly (to Sydney!) in the second week.... I had presumed re-sits wouldn't be til Sep just before they start the new academic year. I don't obviously know that DS will need to do re-sits, but he did over the sixth form years.

Hmm yes ds knows what he has to do and actually doesn't have much problem with the academic content but for some reason he just can't make himself get on with it if he is not in a school environment.
He doesn't know why but he is pretty bad at unpacking his feelings and motivations.

DS has struggled in the past to manage revision - it is too unstructured for him without lessons to attend and teacher input. And then there is the anxiety that comes with having to pass exams....

Lordy this is familiar. Now looking at cognitive behaviour therapy for exam stress, and hoping it won't be too late. Basically it goes in a viscious spiral:
'revision',
'panic',
'unable to revise',
'do something to de-stress'.
'panic because revision behind',
'revise',
'panic' etc etc.

Will need someone to sort study skills, but may be too late for the upcoming batch of exams