Continuous incidents at school, Year 2, how to react at home?

[meadowquark]

DS is in Y2, almost 7. He has always had behaviour issues: aggressive, short-tempered, talks back, socially awkward etc. Recently recorded incidents at school are: strangled (another child), kicked, hurt with a pencil, hit, inappropriate talk with a teacher etc. He loses playtime for this (extra playtime for good behaviour - but he rarely gets that), I get reported via chart, teacher and headteacher. He will be seeing ed psychologist soon. I personally suspect ADHD and/or Asperger's traits.

I am at a loss how to react at home. He brings back the chart almost every day with various incidents all over. I do talk to him but I feel like I talk and talk and talk and nothing ever changes. I take away privileges sometimes (TV etc.) but not sure if that makes sense, as the school dealt with it already, and to be consistent I would have to tell him off almost every day, which would create very tense atmosphere.

He behaves better where he can relax, i.e. at home, and in theory I should be bringing his positive side out (we started doing sports for that reason). On the other hand, I cannot totally ignore what happened at school. I just don't know what is best. I try hard to discipline him but his behaviour chart shows that we get nowhere. In fact, it seems that the harder I try, the worse is the chart. Then I lose my balance and just decide to let him relax at home, which at least makes him happy when at home.

Any word of advice, please?

I am speaking as a total amateur but stress is a nasty thing.
My best guess is to let dc relax at home and have as many de-stressors as you can - sports, fresh air, anything that makes him feel good about himself. And if there is anything like a stress ball that relaxes him, (my relative folded and unfolded origami). The advantage of those is that they can be taken to school.

Then maybe remind him in the morning before he goes to school that he is not a bad dc but sometimes makes the wrong choices, and you will be proud of him every time he manages a good choice.

And then the school: ed psych - about time too, whatever they have been doing isn't working so they need to change tack asap. Unmet special educational needs is a classic cause of the type of behaviour he is producing in the classroom, as are plenty of other things (my ds did this when I was in and out of hospital).

Also worth having a think about sensory issues - is he over or under sensitive to noise, or lights, or likes deep pressure? Sensory overload could be causing some of the melt downs.

Hope something in this selection turns out to be helpful

Thanks senvet and Polter . I knew I wasn't doing well even though I felt that something needs to be done. I have "The explosive" child, and will be off to explore the website and PDA strategies. Also will buy a stress ball on ebay, I will be glad if it helps in school (DS loves blue tac - but he does not take it to school).

Like Polters my DS does not seem to care about sanctions and rewards, and like the school says "shows no remorse".

I have never thought of potential sensory issues - DS is loud and noisy, not cuddly but likes tumbling / fighting. Don't know where to start here... off to google.

It is true that the school isn't very resourceful. To be frank I can't wait until he is 11, I hear secondaries normally have much better resources.

Hey, if he finds blu tak helps at home, then see if the school will let him try it at school. It is easy, portable etc,

Just make sure that they realise he is using it to try to regualte his tendency to overload, so the reactions that they would usually have to a mainistream child constantly fiddling with something will have to be 100% suppressed by everyone involved.

Also, (and sorry if you have read me saying this before) deep pressure is proving helpful to quite a lot, from a special school who finds some kids do well with break to walk with a weighted back pack, to a smart secondary kid I heard of who can concentrate just fine as long as he gets up and does a few press ups against the wall when he feels his sensory system starting to interfere with his attention.

And after a happy weekend of reading, I would really think about applying for an EHCP as secondary tends to be a lot more challenging for SEN kids, and getting dc properly understood before that is time and effort a lot of sn parents cannot recommend highly enough

I would be going to meet school to try and get him some support for his behaviour as they are saying what they are doing is not working. (he does not care and does not show remorse) ask them to consider other strategies as the ones they are implementing are failing him.

The advice so far is spot on. I have two tweaks to it and they might not be what your DS needs. Can you also get an OT referral - a good one will pick up on the sensory difficulties and give you some more answers?

I've gone down the CBT route and we use a therapist and for us, it gets to the root cause of behaviour; DS's actions and reactions sometimes totally stymie me. Then, it reframes the awful negative thoughts that are underpinning it all, too.

I did some reading over the weekend and must admit that I feel overwhelmed about the terminology. I don't seem to be able to fit my DS strictly into one disorder, he seems to be a bit of everything... PDA, ADHD, Asperger's... To be fair to the school, they only started the chart recently, but I don't think it will work long term. I feel like I have a moral obligation to come up with some ideas and propose to them.... like giving him blue tac for playtimes, or doing "surprise reward", etc.

So much more reading and work to do. It is quite depressing.

Oh dear meadow hang in there. There is a great bunch of people on these boards willing you on and Polter is like a one woman library of information and guidance.

Has your ds been seen by any of Paediatrician, Occupational Therapist or a Speech and Language Therapist, or Specialist Teacher? All of these would be worth trying to access - the GP for Paed and as school have been pretty lame so far, maybe try GP for OT and SALT assessments?

The SALT may not fit your dc, it is just that there are so many kids on these boards with High Functioning ASD/Asperger's that it seems worth looking at an assessment there as well.

If you happen to have won the lottery or live in Kent Sussex, you could look at independent experts which will be quicker - Kent and Sussex kids can benefit from a grant from the Bedgebury Foundation for independent EP/SALT/OT reports.

Don't worry, your dc is still your wonderful dc, and whilst none of us can really get inside our dc's heads, you will get some better techniques soon.

When my ds was in mainstream school having similar difficulties to your ds I worked tirelessly with them to improve ds's behaviour. In the end I realised the school had the wrong approach, it was all about rewards and sanctions and they had absolutely no effect on ds's behaviour, he just couldn't do it.

I would talk to ds on the way home in the car about his day in school and any issues, we often sat on the drive until we had talked it through. When we came in to the house as far as I was concerned the school day was over and now was the time for him to relax in his home environment. The school wanted me to take work he hadn't completed in the day (due to sensory overload) and complete it at home...I refused (he always did his homework), the school thought I was unsupportive of them. I told them I would not blur the lines for ds as home was a place of security and comfort unlike school !

IMO if your ds's behaviour charts make him worse i would stop using them. It could be that the charts highlight his difficulties (if he isn't achieving the rewards)making him more frustrated. I would let him relax at home and spend the time doing things he enjoys, with lots of praise. Hopefully better insight of your ds's behaviour in school will be gained by the EP and the school will have a better understanding.

There is a lot to learn, but you know your son best. You will get there. This board is brilliant for support and advice. Good luck

Hi, new poster, long time reader here
Your OP is like describing DS1 at school from nursery up to present - yr5

What helped us was we had a CAF set up for him - Common Assessment Framework. We had meetings every month, now every couple of months. All people involved in DS's care were around the table, Ed Psych, Bowel Consultant, Teacher and Headteacher, it varied each month depending on prior arrangements/agreements from the previous meeting.
What ever was agreed, or put forward, everyone had to take action. Through this the school had to take on extra-outside behavioral support, more we got a free shower installed at home for health reasons. He's now 10 going on 11 and it's still going on now albeit less often.
It's just a thought, might be useful to ask your LEA about it. We found it helped us get the things our son needed as school were a bit wishy washy and sometimes didn't do as promised.
We also were 'told' we had to go on a parenting course before we would even be referred to CAMHs...this made us quite cross but we actually found it so useful. The course 'Incredible years' by Webster Stratton was attended by parents with similiar concerns to us, very supportive and non judgemental. It really helped us develop strategies for helping DS! to deal with his emotions