8 year old DS still hitting

[Levantine]

DS was invited on a playdate by a lovely mum, the second ever playdate he has been invited on. All went well until the very end when DH arrived to collect him when he put his arm round the child's throat and punched the mother.

I was away at the time, but the lovely mum spoke to me in the playground today and was upset and a bit shocked I think that DH hadn't made him apologise, even though she understands that ASD children do hit etc. I feel awful. I feel as if we have lost sight of what is normal and are so focussed on reducing stress rather than disciplining that we have let him down.

I imagine DH just wanted to get him out of the door without further meltdown. But what should we have done? DS is very PDA and was I think probably stressed (he had soiled himself)

I agree with you polter, our ds's are very similair. But it left me thinking about how that leaves the other family feeling. Normally I would hustle him out and then unpick it with him later, but they were clearly left thinking that someone should at least have said sorry. Tbf I would have done, DH picked him up

Also DS was excluded from school a little while ago for punching someone (I posted under a name change) and that makes me feel that what we are doing is isn't working enough

When did your ds become less violent?

Yes, it's like having a four year old inside a talkative eight year old's body at the moment. PMSL at the detention, I would be thrilled too!

I want to ask you about how to do sensory diet stuff with a resistant child, but will do that on your SPD thread

When my ds was stressed to oblivion and lashing out at every child his brilliant teacher said, 'I do have to reprimand him as the class needs to see the rules being followed an justice done, but then I just take him away and give him lots of reassurance'.

So nt mum and nt kid are expecting nt rules to be followed even if it isn't by an nt child.

Do you think a card explaining the situation to the mum with a small 'sorry' gift for the kid would help? I think it is worth getting even one nt mum to understand what you are up against, and that invisible disabilities are the toughest for nt people to understand.

That's spot on isn't it. I always make a point of saying to the other child that what ds did wasn't okay and that I will deal with it, but DH has only just started doing more childcare and I don't think he handled it all that well.

This mum does actually work with kids with ASD and has been a huge support to me which is why I am so gutted.

I spoke to ds about it tonight who did the whole it wasn't my fault because I was angry and I hurt people when I'm angry rant. I told him he was to apologise. He has sometimes apologised to children at school in his own time. I will also get him to do a card though it might be a bit late

Hi Lev. Our dses are the same age and have v similar/same dxes (SPD, anxiety, ASD with a PDA profile). My DS also has a history of lashing out (in his case, at school, against staff members while resisting restraint) and has also been excluded for violence against a staff member.

It is v tricky, isn't it, to get the balance between actually effective discipline/management, etc, and stuff that's for the other person's benefit. Personally I would have been apologising profusely at pick-up, but not trying to force DS to apologise if he was still stressed/upset/irrational etc. I would hope that he would want to apologise himself later once calm (he usually does as is remorseful once he's calmed down). I don't think it's too late. Better a late but sincere or at least calm apology than a forced insincere one nearer the time.

Jackster I have often though our sons sound identical! Yes, I agree, that is exactly what I would ordinarily do. I saw the mum this morning and she was lovely about it. I will do my best to get ds to do a card this weekend

So glad to hear the mum was lovely about it. I guess that is better than gin for calming your worries!

Oh I'm glad she was nice about it.

Yes. She gave me a hug . I feel lucky to have someone so nice in our class

What we had to do a couple of times was to get DS out of the situation, and then later – maybe a day or two later - after DS had calmed down, bring him back to apologize at a time agreed with the other family. Perhaps with a written apology (DS was good at those!) as well as a spoken one. And maybe some flowers or chocs for the Mum, perhaps bought with his own money.

DS has become much less aggressive, especially after age 12. So hang in there!