DH doesn't want my son to get an aspergers diagnosis

[peppajay]

We are going through the diagnostic process at the moment for my son as we are sure he has aspergers and yesterday at an appointment the paediatrician says she would be extremely surprised if the multi agency team didn't come up with an aspergers diagnosis. To me my son is a loving gorgeous 6 yr old boy who alot of the time manages really really well - however I am understanding of his needs and very patient with him, others are not so and this is where the probelm begins. Apparently I am too soft on him and instead of understanding him I should put a stop to his meltdowns and realise that he doesn't need a diagnosis it is my parenting that makes him this way. My DH has refused to ever acknowledge there are issues and has never been to any of the appointments and refuses to discuss it. I think my DH has aspergers as well as he cannot cope with the demands of everyday life just like my son finds hard whereas my son shouts and screams my husband swears and locks himself away. He wants me to cancel all further assessments and start parenting him properly by taking away his computer time when he has a meltdown. Most meltdowns he has are when things go wrong - such as today when his handlebar came off his scooter on the way to school. If that was my DH and his steering wheel came off his car he would be fuming. His excuse its a ** scooter not a car. He also is extremely house proud and bans all drinks or any type of food in the lounge. When my son came in from a party on sunday he was so excited to open his party bag, bear in mind he hasn't been invited to a party in a long while , that when he opened it on the sofa the cake went everywhere, my DH went mad which in turn upset my son. Last week he was nagged at for getting mud in the car off his wellies. Apaprently I dont watch him hard enough to stop these things happening. I actually think some of the stuff is more down to him then my sons aspergers. Anyway enough rambling he doesn't want to get him diagniosed so what happens next??? He does very little parenting so I think the decision should be down to me!! Any thoughts from fellow parents who have been through the same?? Many thanks

He was so different until children came along always the life and soul still exceptionally house proud and very organised and tidy which is what drew me to him in the first place as I had never met a tidy man before. But I don't understand why he doesn't want to go forward to diagnosis - he had undiagnosed problems as a child and was written off as thick and odd and maybe if he had been diagnosed he would have had a much happier childhood although I know 30 yrs ago things were very different. . I would have thought he would want him to get the help he be never got but he refuses to discuss it!!!!

Really hard for you. I think in your situation I'd obviously go ahead with the rest of the assessment process, whether or not he comes along with you to any further appointments or not. Once (if) a diagnosis is made, it will be in black and white, and he won't be able to justify denying it.

I'd actually be tempted to discuss this with the paed team if he doesn't come along, and ask them to be as clear and unequivocal as they can be in any diagnosis letter - just so he can have no leg to stand on blaming you any more. He needs to realise that if your ds has aspergers he has it, regardless a piece of paper with the diagnosis written on. The diagnosis just confirms it - it doesn't create the actual condition.

Also with school - does ds need any support at school? If so, and it's always you sorting all this out without his support, ask school to put everything in writing too, so you can just show him the documentation. It might just help if this is coming from someone other than you.

As for the home parenting stuff. I don't know - except that I would not put up with this any longer. If by standing up to him it causes almighty rows etc, I would ride them out, and if it continued and continued and got worse, I seriously consider longer term options.

The way you've put it, your DH comes across as a total arse. If you haven't pointed that out to him, I think you need to.

I would continue to engage with the diagnostic process rather than listen to your H who only is thinking of his own self here. He certainly has neither yours or his son's interests at heart. A diagnosis can open doors that will otherwise remain closed to your son. Do let the paed team know that your H remains uncooperative to any form of diagnosis that your son may receive. Your H will not be able to deny an official diagnosis but will likely blame you for that anyway.

If it is your parenting that is making his son this way (absolutely ridiculous!) I would respond that he has done nothing parenting wise.

On a wider level how would you describe your day to day relationship with this man?. For a start banning all food and drink from the lounge is in no respect at all normal; it is indeed draconian. He seems very controlling and flies off the handle all too easily around you both. What are his family of origin like?.

Is this man really a great role model for your son; would you want your son growing up thinking that yes this is how couples actually behave in relationships?.

I am also wondering whether your DH is infact abusive Peppajay; such men can put on a great act then once children arrive their behaviour markedly deteriorates. Their nice act becomes one they can no longer keep up.

I agree. DC is your priority. DH doesn't have to accept it. I agree that DH sounds like he probably has asperger's as well which is why he finds it even harder than most DH's to deal with a diagnosis.

My DH can still go off on one about the diagnoses of his relatives even though they say that their lives would have been dismal without it.

DH may never change, but getting things sorted for dc is sensible.

Peppajay your ds sounds lovely. Your DH, by contrast, sounds horrible.

How dare he dictate from his hideaway, whether your ds should continue his assessments! What sort of a parent is he? One who does no parenting!

That incident over cake on sofa sounds awful. Your poor, poor ds!!

And the blaming and criticising you.........

He is in no position to dictate what happens with your son's assessments. He abdicates that responsibility on a daily basis.

you say he 'cannot cope with the demands of everyday life' except that he's capable of keeping a very tidy house (and presumably a job) so maybe it's just family life that's 'all too hard'. So he takes it out on you and your ds.

I've been there, OP. My ex was hideous to be around. Couldn't cope with family life, noisy, messy kids. Only he didn't have Aspergers. He was an abusive Twunt.

What happens when you stand up to this bully, OP???

Press ahead with assessments, OP. You are doing the right thing by your ds. But failing to stand up to your ds is doing the wrong thing, I think.

Failure to stand up to your DH not ds sorry! It's your hubby you need to stand up to!

Oh and btw my ex was 'able to cope with the demands of everyday life' until kids came along. Then he wasn't. It was all too hard. He now lives elsewhere and me and the kids (dd2 has ASD) are immeasurably happier.

When I read the thread title I was ready to post about how my dh wasn't at all keen on the idea of our ds1 being assessed but then realised he was wrong etc. However, your situation sounds very different.

My personal feeling is that your dh has always had a need to be able to control his surroundings and environment. It was fine when it was just the two of you because you saw his tidiness and need to organise things as a positive trait.

Then along came children who are by their very nature difficult to control, even when they are NT. Your dh can't control your ds and so has deemed that this is now your role. He doesn't want you to parent your ds. He wants you to control him.

Even the most NT 6yr-old would struggle with your dh's expectations. I think even I would struggle!

I think you need to put your ds' needs first here. He needs access to the help that a diagnosis could bring.

Thanks for all your messages. I think I just wanted a bit of reassurance that it isn't my parenting at fault. Just wish he would chill out and relax a bit and enjoy his kids. He does love them but can't cope with the demands that having a family has and even without my sons difficulties I think he would still be the same. He is a lovely person and helps run community lunches for people in need and is a caret for his great auntie and uncle as well as doing so much for my 99 yr old nan. He is seen as some amazing man for all he does for others- friends of mine queue up to hire him out as he keeps the house immaculate and does all the housework so to others think he really he is perfect i feel lucky when I have to listen to them moaning that there other half has never washed up or leaves his clothes on the floor. Keep thinking he will change but don't think he ever will but in his defence I don't think he knows how to if the standards aren't kept up he reaches breaking point. I think the diagnosis things freaks him out because it means it isn't my parenting and that maybe he needs to change how he is with my son but he doesn't know how to change. We have been offered a place on a ppp course but he won't attend as he doesn't want to be patronised.

Freaked out that it isn't your parenting?

Isn't it more freaky that he thinks it is your parenting!

He sounds arrogant, OP.

I would rather have an engaged, interested parent who occasionally leaves his pants on the floor but who listens to me/treats me like an equal, tbh.

Some things are more important than others, OP. Tidy house/supportive environment for your ds - these are not of the same order of magnitude.

I suspect that if you told your friends what you put in your OP, they wouldn't think he was amazing any more.

It's easier to do good deeds that bring praise and admiration from others than it is to deal with the everyday stuff that parents typically do.

Peppajay,

Re your comment:-

"He is a lovely person and helps run community lunches for people in need and is a caret for his great auntie and uncle as well as doing so much for my 99 yr old nan. He is seen as some amazing man for all he does for others- friends of mine queue up to hire him out as he keeps the house immaculate and does all the housework so to others think he really he is perfect i feel lucky when I have to listen to them moaning that there other half has never washed up or leaves his clothes on the floor. Keep thinking he will change but don't think he ever will but in his defence I don't think he knows how to if the standards aren't kept up he reaches breaking point"

Yes, abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world; they have this "Mr Wonderful" act going on very well. You do not see any of this niceness at home do you?. The nice/nasty cycle he has for you is a continuous one. Do not swallow the hype and stay around for many more years in the hopes he will change; they do not change and he feels he is doing nothing wrong here.

No its not your parenting and it never has been, but your children will be influenced by such a person like this man in their lives. Is this really what you want them to be taught about relationships here?. You're all being bossed around by him like serfs.

I doubt very much he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum actually and having ASD in any case does not equal being abusive. If he has never been formally assessed you simply cannot assume that he is on the spectrum at all.

Such men either never change. Do not hang on to the "sunken costs" fallacy either that can happen in relationships; that can also cause you to make poor relationship decisions.

DHs can find it difficult particularly if they see their undiagnosed self in their child
I've no easy answers
Just go through the diagnostic process and hope he comes round with time
Everyone is at a different point in the "coming to terms" process - so for example, while you might be in acceptance he is still in denial, or whatever.

what is he afraid of?

If your son was having trouble reading would he not allow him to go to an optician because he didn't want him diagnosed as short sighted? Or if he had a lump on his hand not want him to see a gp because he wouldn't want him diagnosed with a wart? These are not comparing one to the other, it's just to illustrate that normally when there is an issue, people seek assistance, find out what it is and how to best deal with it. Why would aspergers be any different? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Nor does it somehow reflect on the parent oh my it's all about meeeee and what people will think of meeee and how people will judge meee. pfft.

Not having a diagnosis doesn't make the behaviour go away. It only means support that would otherwise be available is denied to the child and that is massively unfair to the child.

I think it is common for the parent who does most of the parenting to be both much further along the path of seeing their child's differences and needs (compared with others of the same age) and further on in the difficult adaptation of accepting there may be a special need and a diagnosis is there to support rather than label, way of thinking. It could be that your DH is still struggling with the concept of labelling his much loved child rather than seeing any advantage to a helpful set of signposts that diagnosis can bring. Fear can be at the heart of not wanting to face up to facts.
I agree that you ought to do what is best for your child which is likely to be pursuing the understanding and support a diagnosis may bring. Understanding may help your DH to see the light.

My DH criticised my parenting especially in those early years - but I think its was also my perception in that my lack of confidence when standard parenting methods simply did not work, made me very sensitive to any whiff of possible criticism, and fail to hear more positive comments. I think too he wanted a fixable solution for his much loved son - ie do things differently and ds won't have autism type of thing. I have more confidence now - and the diagnosis helped me understand DS better and how best to support him. DH bless him, still criticises my parenting/ house skills/ cooking on occasion, its his way, (social skills not his strong point - he's blunt especially when worn out or preocupied) but I don't take it so personally any more. I kind of understand that he does not mean to undermine me or be mean - he just has no idea what he sees as the truth at that moment could be hurtful, or best kept to himself. It is not meant to be abusive so I have learnt to take it as honestly meant. He is learning slowly and has other ways of being supportive.

I think you need to consider how much damage your DH's attitude will do to your DS.