Official ADHD diagnosis today... But ds's dad doesn't agree.

[JingleBellsJuliet]

After a long time of being in the system for assessment, we've had a formal diagnosis of ADHD today, with probable ASD as well, although that will come later. Paed has suggested medication - Mediknet XL to be precise - but ds's dad (we're not together anymore) doesn't agree with the diagnosis and has said a big fat no to medication. They need both our permissions to medicate, and I'm on the fence anyway as I haven't done any research yet, but where do we go from here?

I'm a bit of the mind that there's no point in having a diagnosis unless you're prepared to consider a treatment. Ds's dad says medication will stop Ds being ds. But I guess that's kind of the point, as he's struggling at school and getting into trouble because of how he is at the minute. I'm feeling emotional and tired and I don't know what to say or do.

Not been there, but can imagine how hard it must be and how torn you must feel.

Is there someone he would listen to? Perhaps someone not medically involved? Perhaps he needs some time to come to terms with it?

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to adjust to the diagnosis.

Dh was reluctant to admit to ds's dx of ADHD (on top of ASD) and very uncomfortable with trialling meds. So we agreed to wait six months and monitor to see if ds improved without meds but with behavioural management techniques instead. He didn't, so dh agreed to the meds trial. It definitely improved things for him but it's not a cure, it won't 'fix' the problem, but it can give the child a bit of clarity with improved executive function and that can help to teach better self-management.

One argument is to use the example of medication/treatment for other conditions. If your child had a heart condition, or asthma, or an infection, you probably wouldn't hesitate to give medication for it so why not for ADHD?

You're right to want to research it yourself. perhaps ask the consultant for some reliable information rather than some of the conflicting stuff on the internet. You and dh can learn the pros and cons together.

I completely get what you're going through. dS1 had a diagnosis in icy for v similar and we are STILL waiting to see a psychiatrist to talk about meds ( we were referred to the local autism centre to rule out ASD and this has significantly delayed as we're being referred back to CAMHS from them to be allocated a psychiatrist)

So my DP without a shadow of a doubt has ADHD. He accepts this now a year after I asked GP to refer.

I literally had to read him out the symptoms (he's dyslexic and hardly reads - he's very good at what he does and good at people management as a consequence) of ADHD. "Oh" he said - "that's exactly what I was like - I thought it was normal" . By no stretch of the imagination is DP 'normal' - and actually that's the way he likes it. He's now accepted that he's actually very lucky to have found what he wanted to do and harness the energy and skills ADHD and dyslexia has necessitated (and they do make a person use heir brain creatively to get by)a he's lucky because of that - and he does now accept that DS needs help to do this.

It's bloody bloody difficult for me as I'm quite good at focussing and attending, and I like to sit and read. No way can I do this now.

We haven't done the proper medication talk , but I've told DP that 'if it works, it works' and we'll try it if appropriate: because otherwise DS can't get he best out of his education at the crucial time. I want him to see that it's possible for him to be able to control his impulses as I think it will increase is belief in himself as well as help day to day.

He has two brother too so it's also a whole family consideration - not easy but true

If I had a pound for very DP/DH who had trouble accepting a diagnosis I would be clinically obese.

I would guess it happens in roughly 50% of cases.

There is something very wounding about the phrase 'there's something wrong'. But I agree with DP/DH that really it is true - there isn't 'something wrong'. ADHD is just a varient from the normal, but one that the majority-mainstream-bog standard folk in school find difficult to accommodate and understand. That is ignorance on the part of the maintream, bogstandard, majority. Not dc's fault.

But the question really is how best to support dc through a mainstream world which expects him to sit and concentrate in a particular way to prove he is capable. It isn't fair, but medication may help dc avoid a patch of loss of self esteem, particularly as he realises that he is different, and also is he sees himself as being recorded as 'thick' when he just needed to have the teaching and testing adapted to give him a fair chance.

I hope this helps

I think I go against the grain with most people on here and ADHD. So here is my experience...

My son has ADHD and he's never been medicated. When he was first diagnosed 2 years ago (or was it 3? - I lose track) by a consultant pediatrician psychiatrist, everyone, and I mean everyone told me to medicate him. I said no, because I felt that if he was medicated, the medication would hide his other SEN problems (severe dyslexia, dyspraxia, anxiety, auditory processing disorder etc etc) and the medicine would be an easy solution for the LA to say he was "fixed" and didn't need other help. I had to fight my own indie experts who all said "yes medicate". Ironically one of the own LA's experts agreed with me and said no too.

Instead I fought at Tribunal (and won) to get him into a specialist school who are experts in all his needs - including ADHD. Eighteen months on, and my gut instinct was right. The correct school means he doesn't need medication. Also having the correct schooling means he's learning to self-regulate himself. Don't get me wrong, yes sometimes after school is fraught with his ADHD. Take tonight for example - with an ADHD "D"H and an ADHD DS battling it out together, I was ready to take a very long walk away from them both! But he doesn't need medication for his education because of the right level of support at school. I regularly ask his teacher at parents evenings, and she always tells me the same - no he doesn't need medication.

DS is now a pre-teenager. I may have to change my mind when he hits puberty, but for the moment, the correct school with the correct level of support means he doesn't need medication.

OP did your DS's dad come to the assessment or diagnosis? Was he present when you went through your DS's symptoms? Did he talk to them about his non acceptance of their diagnosis? I've found that often my word isn't enough and actually hearing a doctor repeat back to you what you told them hits home

No, his dad wasn't there. Seemed pointless him answering the questions they asked, as he only sees him one day a week, so sees hardly any of his behaviour. Ds behaves brilliantly for his dad, and can do no wrong in his eyes. He thinks school are overreacting and looking for "symptoms" when it's just normal behaviour, and I'm not coping too well. He's certainly right there!

What I want to do right now is swap and be weekend mum for a while.; see how he feels after he's dealt with the school refusal, public meltdowns and daily meetings with ds's class teacher to discuss the latest "serious incident". Or run away and not come back - that could work too :(

Fwiw jingle I dont think a once a week parent really has the right to make important decisions!!

Is there no way you could increase his contact? That would give you a bit of a break and will also show him the reality of parenting a child with ADHD!

I am assuming that the Paed knew he was only a once a week parent! Maybe the paed could phone him and speak to him or get him in to have a proper discussion.

Be kind to yourself and good luck

Hmm, I think you need to somehow get him engaged with it. Do you think he is similar (and thinks his DS is 'normal'). Does he read stuff if you give him it- did you write a summary of behaviour you could give him? Sometimes when it's written down it can hit home - even when I wrote it all down my self it hit home to ME

I'm not sure about medicating yet, but would like the option of looking into it and possibly giving it a try. I get what his dad is saying about not wanting to stifle ds's personality, but I just want him to be able to fit in and make friends, which is something he's really struggling with. He has said categorically no to giving permission, and they need a signed letter from both of us to be able to prescribe it, so not sure where we go from here.

I really need to pull myself together and stop crying and stressing!

Are you absolutely sure they need written permission from both parents before they can prescribe? It might be worth checking the law on this, to be certain. Could CAB help?

Well he's rang me this afternoon and said maybe he overreacted a bit and that he would like to come to the next appointment to discuss the possibility of medication. To get the appointment booked, he needs to write a letter of consent, so he's coming over tomorrow to do that. I texted him the name of the medication earlier and I think he's been researching and realised its not some kind of sedative that's going to render Ds a zombie!

Oh good. Very good to get him to an appointment indeed

Sorry PolterGoose, just realised I completely ignored a post of yours up page

Ds is nearly 9 and has been getting gradually worse at school, culminating in an exclusion a week or so ago. His dad, I think, was much like him as a child, yes, and is worried about stifling his personality, but I can't sit here and watch him being an outsider all the time and making no friends. It's heartbreaking.

Oh that's such good news! I hope this is a turning point for you all .

Good news jingle, keep fighting and keep coming on here for support, its the best place ever

My son is 9 and has an adhd diagnosis, he has been medicated for 18 months. He is still very much himself. I like to think that the medication helps him be the best he can be. Still himself but a calmer model. He's no zombie.
It depends on the child, always about the child, some feel it's the right thing for their child, some don't. Both are fine. I'm definitely not telling you to medicate.
I still fight tooth and nail for appropriate school support on top of the meds.