Dad to ASD son. How can I be better at playing with him?

[MalhamCove]

Hi everyone,

Have been lurking for a while on these boards, and am constantly amazed at how strong and resourceful all you parents of ASD DCs are. I want to be better, as a dad, so this is an appeal for any advice.

I have a 6 (nearly) yr old ASD son, high functioning. His mum is brilliant, and is the main source of both understanding for me and his school of his needs. She effectively home educates for half of his week, and is very in tune with him.

I think, truth be told, it's taken me much longer to adjust to the full implications of his condition. In particular, what kind of dad to be. I mean: insofar as dads have a particular role, in bringing up sons and teaching them how to be men, part of this must be about the leisure time they spend together. I am just not sure I am doing this bit right.

My son is verbal (and indeed very articulate) but is very focused on his own interests. He can be pretty uncooperative, and it is often very difficult to engage him. When anxious, his focus is almost exclusively on fans - ceiling fans in particular (and I think this is a sort of safe 'fallback' or stim for him; he's said to his mum that fans "smooth everything out").

I have had some limited success trying to redirect some of his interests (e.g. trying to share his interest in fans by showing him how they work, how motors work, how circuits work etc.). Often when I read his bedtime stories we'll read science books and suchlike.

However,I never seem to be able to play with him. I mean, in a fun way. I can't seem to. I am fully aware this may be my failing, not his. But does anyone else have this problem? Am I failing to provide a crucial part of his childhood? Any dads or mums out there with tips on how to just play with ASD kids, in a way which appeals to them?

Thanks

You sound like an amazing dad!. You wouldn't believe how often I wish my DS came with an instruction manual, every day is a learning curve and we can only do our best. Sorry I can't offer any useful advice, but you sound like you are doing a great job

My son is only 2 but I can't play with him. Best I can do is show interest in what he's doing. All lead by him.

All thoughts of normal play was thrown out the window at 12 months.

Hope someone can be more help than me

Do you try and direct play? Do you watch him, follow his lead and let him set the boundaries? Or a bit of both?

Tech - often needs a second person to make playing more enjoyable so games on the xbox, mario karting etc. And this is where I confess, I don't: I am lousy at and uninterested in gaming but I will sit and watch and chat with them about what they are doing. Ditto Pokemon and all those sort of card games.

You sound like a great dad and the truth of the matter is there isn't only one way of being a good parent. You do what works for you, for him, for the three of you.

Swimming works for us. As does going to the cinema - admittedly, we still walk out on a regular basis but normally, we have a great time. We used to do lots of lego together. We play board games sometimes. We read. So, all in all, nothing special. Occasionally, try something new - this year has boxing and scuba-diving on the list - I won't be participating, just making it happen. Hope that helps.

How refreshing :) Lovely thread. I can only echo the excellent advice - follow his lead. Let him tell you what he wants to do. Don't stress or worry if his "play" isn't like you think it should be, or doesn't match some idea of play that you have. As long as you're interacting, that's what's important. And perhaps he doesn't enjoy "playing" - but he knows what he does enjoy and that's fine.

Taking something which has set rules might be a good idea - card games, computer games, sports, yes, all good ideas.

Sounds like you are doing a fab job! I can't help a lot as my hubby is also ASD, as well as DD (nearly 7) so similar age.

We find it best to let her choose (within reason obviously) what she wants to do. We have to pick our moments, but if she feels in control, it works better.

It's hard, but as long as you have some engagement, you try when and how you can, that's all you can do. It's a hard, hard job being a parent, let alone to an ASD child, but it seems like you have a real connection.

Friends with a teenage ASD lad found that they could do cycling, music, chess and academic obscurities together. So conversation at lunch would consist of dad digging out QI type facts about a lake within a lake within a lake. And off on a quirky meander of obscure facts together.

I think you are doing a great job of facilitating his interests, and giving him time to be himself.

I agree with what has already been said, Dd3 doesnt "play" in the same way as other children. She loves to test us on our knowledge of flags and Harry Potter . Board games are hard for her but she does like guess who and top trumps, although I dont suppose they do a fan version!

Maybe you could make your own! Top trump fans

Or design your own fan!

I would definitely try to get into his world rather than expecting him to come to yours and he might surprise you and expand his interests.

Good luck and keep up the good work

Thank you everyone, some really reassuring messages there.

@BigBird69 that would be great wouldn't it?

@2boysnamedR sounds familiar

@TotheBarricades

I don't try to direct play, as such. I do try to initiate sometimes, if I feel like he is bored or getting stuck on fans (it’s hard to describe, but sometimes when he is doing his fans he is obviously enjoying himself and that's great; sometimes it’s like he is doing it because he is compelled to or is using it to block something else out - that's when I want to step in, and don't always get it right).

Swimming is great, yes. I do try to take him every weekend. I think that I am trying to make sure the time I get with him in the week (before work and just before bed) are as good as possible, because I am commuting further now for work.

@bitbap18 Absolutely agree about him needing to feel in control, yes.

@BertieBotts I do see him getting more interested in the computer though, and that will be a big plus as I'll be much more in my element there. We did enjoy doing some simple programming together recently. Perhaps he's ready to try some games again. Perhaps he'd like Sonic (as he spins).

I hadn't thought of card games, like top trumps and the like. That's a good idea.

@senvet Hopefully, in time, that'll be us. I do enjoy and nice obscure fact, and I can already see my better half rolling her eyes at us both going on. Can't wait ...

@PolterGoose That makes sense, and I think that's where we are getting to. Certainly my better half is brilliant at the well thought out therapeutic and educational stuff. I'm certainly all set to dive into the special interests, as and when. I'm still managing to get home for a story every day (or at least read something - often he'd rather read some of his science books), and that's great.

As for OT, we are actually having our first appointment on Monday. It’s taken ages to get one, but hopefully they will have some suggestions. We have had a wonderful charity working with us though, who have been really helpful with sensory advice. He has a toolbox of calming toys and objects now.

I've got that book now, ready to read. Thanks!

@Ineedmorepatience Not sure if you were joking, but actually I think I will try and make top trump fans. You'd be amazed at how many different sorts of ceiling fans there are . It could actually be a brilliant little project for us to do

Thanks again everyone, really. I think I'll try not to worry about it so much, but I will take on all those great suggestions.

My son is now 7 and loves role playing and making up stories with his animals. At 3(when he was diagnosed) he would only pace up and down and turn his animals around in his hands examining them in great detail.
I'm sure part of it was natural progression but I used to spend hours modelling role play and how to 'play' with the animals. I would do the same scene over and over again-eg. I would role play a horse going over a jump- I wouldn't extend it beyond this to begin with. Another time I would make 2 cows talk to each other. I did feel daft and at the time felt like it was having no effect but I could see DS occasionally look over and watch what I was doing. Even if he showed no interest, I would carry on as I knew he was taking things in.
Toy animals was quite an easy one to practise 'playing' with though, I guess.