Half term hell

[tigerpug]

I have just had the most awful week, I'm feeling so low and alone. Sorry to anyone who reads this, i just need to get it out.

DH commutes to London during the week so just me alone with DS1 (4) and DS2 (1) for half term. My family work so we couldn't see them either. DS1 is lovely but we had a terribly hard spell pre xmas, by which I mean pushing boundaries, behaving badly at playgroups, being unkind to his younger brother etc. January he radically changed and was calmer, loving and reliably well behaved. It was amazing. But the bad stuff returned last weekend and it has taken over our week. When he is like this i dont want to take him out (spitting, hitting me, not listening to anything i say etc), plus weather awful so we couldn't do all the easier things like parks/playgrounds.

DS diagnosed with ASD last year. I've only met one other mum with ASD kids but hers are older and are into school and hobbies. Im fairly new to the area too so all my 'friends' are recently made and I haven't shared DS diagnosis with most of them because i cant gauge how they would react. I lined up a few meet ups e.g. invited two friends and their children to our house for pancakes. Went shopping, bought mountains of food, DS very excited about having people over (he doesn't have any friends but desperately wants some). Both mums bailed on me the night before. DS was so sad. I was sad. And then it led to more difficult behaviour and me feeling so angry with him. I text a few people i know locally in desperation so we could still have a pancake party but they were all busy, a few didn't even reply.

I enrolled him on a 2 day football course, aimed at young ones, very easy going etc. I thought after his great January he would have enjoyed it, he is very confident and independent. I got a call 2 hours after dropping him off from a coach to say could i pick DS up, he wasn't listening/joining in. I took DS home in tears, he wanted to stay but they couldn't have someone with him one on one. The same thing with his 1st tennis lesson last weekend, he wasn't participating and the coach needed to concentrate on the group so asked us not to come back (in the nicest possible way). I know realise how much DS is missing out on - holiday clubs, sports, days out, making friends and having them over to play, being part of a team, fitting in & being liked... And it feels even more painful because he wants to do all of those things, he is naturally sociable and wants friends, wants to play sports, go to peoples houses.

I see posts on Facebook with mums saying how they love school holidays, with photos of the lovely things they are doing, everyone looking happy. I can barely muster the courage to go to the supermarket with my boys.

My heart has broken so many times this week. My guilt has reached extreme levels. And I have felt so angry with him. I dont think i have ever been pushed so far and to these extremes before.

Aaaah, but then today was just 2 cherries on the cake.

Late afternoon docs apt for DS2 today and so i go with both boys to the quietest waiting room EVER. With the judgiest people. Apt was 40 mins late, DS1 fidgets, jumps, crawls, talks, laughs like crazy at nothing, for those 40 minutes once again in other peoples eyes i was a disaster of a mother with an awful child.

And walking in town today a girl from pre school says to her mum, "that boy, I hate him, he's naughty, he doesn't share". Mother shoots me a bad look. Our children will both be in reception next year, is this something I am going to have to deal with in the playground for the next x years?

I am naturally a very friendly person who fits in, and is happy to do so. I dont fall out with people. But its different now - I am seen as a bad mummy, with a bad child, and people are starting to avoid us. I literally cannot take any more of this. I am lonely, DS is lonely. I am angry with DS, he is angry with me. I feel guilty for DS2 because we are so limited in the things we can do and have no one to see. I cant see any positives at the moment.

Probably no real help, but please have a hug from here.

Firstly, can hubby give you some time to yourself this weekend at some point? Even just an hour will do you the power of good.

Secondly, as DS is diagnosed, can you access some help and support in your area? Some groups or activities for him, with people who will understand?

I know it's hard, I really do, but can you explain to others about the ASD? I've found it helped to explain why things may be different etc for us. People automatically assume 'bad' behaviour is just that, and not that there may be a medical reason behind it all.

My DD is an only child and so it's very important that she gets to intergrate as much as possible. But we do struggle, and I know it will get harder as she gets older.

I hope you can find some relief soon, even if it's short term.

Yep, that is one lousy week.

Positives - it is now the weekend and you have back-up from DH.

You are working out what works, doesn't work for DS1. That takes time. He can still do all the sporting things but might need a bit of extra support. At his age, my DS2 did swimming lessons and skating lessons - both provided him with a lovely teenage boy to keep him busy and on track. These lovely lads were essential in making the activity successful. They were successful in that DS2 can swim and skate and enjoyed learning both, but he didn't make friends there; the social skills gap was too big.

I would recommend your local AS group - mine has been a life-line. Do one-to-one playdates work better than groups? Does your DS need structure to be able to cope and so, needs play to be structured, too? He sounds really lovely and you do, too. Don't be so hard on yourselves. You are living in a new place, with minimal support, a new diagnosis - it takes time to build a social network.

I hope your weekend is so much better.

Someone more knowledgable will be along soon - just didn't want to read an run. Also a couple of things:

1. Everyones "happy families" on Facebook are just rubbish - just the glossy, airbrushed moments of their lives. Not the shouty bits, the bored bits, the tantrums, the spilt milk on the table bits. Ignore.
2. If I see someone with a child having a "moment" - however severe or otherwise the moment, I am not judging the mother, the child or anyone. I feel for the mother, have been there - it can be pants. I will also feel for the child - they are overwhelmed by something - their emotions, their tiredness, hunger, whatever. I am not judging you. Your child. Your parenting. You are not a disaster of a mother. Anyone judging you is a disaster of a human being - it reflects on them - for having unpleasant thoughts not you.
3. Little girl is still learning her manners/how not just to blurt out her thoughts. (btw she doesn't "hate" your son). Your son is still learning how to try and share. They are both young. They will get there. the girls mother is fucked though, rude caaahhhh

Have some

Be kind to yourself. Really, really life is too short to fret about what other people are thinking. I know it is tough to get to that mental point - it took me until I was 40. But really - they judge - meh...it says stuff about them. When you realise that it suddenly loses its power to hurt.

It sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thank you for your words everyone, you are very kind and encouraging. Ive just been lying in the bath with a mega gin and tonic realising how much my life has changed. I used to have a career, lived in the middle of London, travelled all over, lots of friends and meeting new people. My life now revolves around whether i am brave enough to take my kids to the local supermarket.

I have had so much luck in my life, a lovely childhood, fun in my 20s, meeting my husband who couldn't be more amazing. How awful that it feels recently that my luck has run out. I know thats an awful thing to say, its just that things feel so bleak and the future negative when it gets like this. I would like to step out of my life for a while, because when its bad day after day it gets too much.

I have looked at support groups but we are quite rural here and the nearest one is under attended and is also on the same day that my son attends preschool where he gets extra funding so its a priority that he goes. I know our local primary school has a few children with ASD, i just dont know how i would ever get to meet their parents. I am starting the early bird course in April so perhaps I will meet some people there who live nearby.

I think a big step would be me telling the other mums, something which i feel i am almost ready to do. In fact after this week I dont have much to lose do i, i think some of them have already pushed us away. In the future i would like to have a few friends we can actually relax with, i just wish there was another person like me living round the corner. My NCT friends were so fantastic and would handle it really well, but we relocated and the few mums I've met here have children that are calm, shy, quiet, wouldn't say boo to a goose types. The absolute opposite of mine.

JoMonroe, your point no 2 was so kind, you sound fantastic. I wish everyone thought like you, in fact can you always be in my doctors waiting room when I'm there??

Where are you in the country? Perhaps there is someone here nearby? Or could you try another parenting site, with local boards, and see if you could meet some people that way.

I found myself feeling similar, and realised I had depression. After seeking help for that, I feel much better in myself, which in turn feeds my feelings of ability to cope with what challenges are thrown at me. It's by no means a fix all solution, but it makes things more manageable.

Does your husband know how you feel? Can you at least let some of it out to him?

Hi Tiger!

How are you feeling now, after a weekend with support? You sound quite low - which could be depression or a perfectly normal reaction to circumstances. Either way, there is help and support - here and in the real world.

The Earlybird course may well give you a network. Can you "pop" back and see you NCT friends regularly, too? It is exhausting explaining yourself all the time. And new places leave all of us feeling isolated and lonely at times.

I used to go to an ASD support group simply because it ran on the day I had free. I miss it lots: the not having to explain is liberating. Venture further afield as long as you like the people you find there.

Supermarkets can be a nightmare - don't go there if they are not doable for you at the moment - the high sensory input: lights, noise, space kick lots of kids off - they are not being naughty, just responding to overload. Order on-line, or go when your DH is at home, to have the kids.

A friend worth having will respond well to your explaining about the ASD - I hope one of the Mums comes up trumps. Could you approach the preschool and primary and ask them to introduce you to other parents in the same situation?

My job for next week is to have another bash at finding some support groups, i tried and failed last time but i will have another go. We are near Deal in Kent. I might approach the primary school which DS will start in September and ask if they might pass my details on to the parents of the 2 ASD kids who attend. They did that at pre school which is how i was able to make contact with the only other mum i know in this situation. Very good advice everyone, thank you.

Barricades, thank you for your reply. I think I am feeling low, it all got too much for me last week and I'm not sure how much more i can cope with. I have never suffered from depression, i dont know how i would know if it was something that was happening to me. I find the thought very scary but it has occurred to me a few times in the last week. I do know that i am mentally and emotionally strung out, and i dont wake up looking forward to the day. I live for the weekends because DH is here and there are two of us which means we can go out and do normal family things. Yesterday we went out of lunch and to the beach, something i wouldn't want to do with the boys on my own.

I either feel guilty, sad, angry or stressed. That said, i have always been able to compartmentalise my feelings and if i was in the pub with a friend i could certainly put on my happy face, and at playgroups no one would never know i felt like this. Im just not used to feeling alone and unpopular, and i feel a bit let down by the few people here that i thought i could count on.

Things were like this for us at the preschool stage but have improved now at school. I think once you get put in touch with a few like minded folk it will help at lot.
The other thing that has really helped is doing a mindfulness course. Could you take a couple of hours to do something like that on the weekend? There's a mindfulness website which has links to courses nationwide.
On getting a diagnosis of/concern about SEN there is a massive stress response but if you look for a MBSR course (mindfulness stress reduction) this could really help

It's really hard adjusting from what life was before isn't it, I struggle with this also

I feel so angry on your behalf that those people let you down on Pancake Day You did the best you could and they let you down not your son.

The other thing to remember is that finding football and tennis at that age hard is part of the course. I remember even dd refusing to go to ballet and sitting in my lap (and she was NT) I think we get brainwashed into thinking our children should be able to do all these group activities. For a lot of children aged four it is not the right age. My sons both of whom have SEN only really enjoyed football coaching when they were much much older - say 8. Before that it was the worst possible environment lots of losing lots of pushing lots of noise.

I found it really helped at that age (although I didn't actually know my children had SEN then - but they were equally trying) to find things we liked to do rather than comparing ourselves to other people and their outings daily fun. My sons loved making big houses out of cushions for example. Or taking long baths in the afternoons and pretending it was a swimming pool. Or dancing in the living room. This made them better tempered which was a good start . And we went to the playground a lot even in the dark - even if there were no other children there - just climbing and spinning and running were good for them.

I second finding just one person you can see a lot of with your little ones rather than trying to get lots of friends and a big friendship circle. The more familiar your son is with one person and her house and that person in your house the easier it will become.

My children are teens now but we have spent a lot of half term just hibernating. I think all the pressure to do trips and meetups and playdates can be overrated.

And your ds isn't missing out on holiday clubs and sports. He is 4. He has a whole lifetime ahead of him to do those things. You are providing a lovely family for him and a sibling to play with. And the sea and beautiful countryside he will get to know in due course - Walmer Castle Ramsgate Broadstairs further down the coast - all the lovely things that will inspire him over the next few years. There is so much to look forward to. [disclaimer friend has just moved to Deal - she has dog but no children]

Hi sorry you are feeling so down. It is so hard to ignore people looking and judging. Facebook is not real, people often create a picture of the life they wish to have on there. As people have said they is a lot of pressure from others to do a lot of clubs and learn a sport from an early age but I don't think that it is what many children need. A loving family environment with a good supporting school is all they really need.
The positive about having a son with ASD is mainly that understanding him will open your mind to a different perspective on life: this is rare and precious and something judgmental people in the doctor's waiting room have obviously never had a chance to discover.

Been there somewhat ( ds2 is very quite - but had lots of fun with my two year old).

People I ignore staring, asking why my boys are not talking etc. if they comment I tell them. Why doesn't he talk? - he can't. We don't really get another question after that one. People generally don't want to be mean, they just don't understand what's going on.

I get days when it's all too much but they get fewer. This becomes your normal. It gets better. It's ok too (mostly!) not what imagined I would ever be doing, but it's all I know.

Having a few good friends is all I need. Someone you never have to explain to.

It's not easy, it really isn't. Once I felt this was our new normal I felt so much happier. Things will always be pretty much as they are for us. I'm no long expecting anything else and enjoying the moments.

The bad moments all families have. Ours are just more public

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think i am just stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts. A few weeks ago when things were better with DS I thought to myself that perhaps the diagnosis was wrong (silly me), and that things would continue to improve - hence enrolling him in tennis, football etc. It didn't matter to me, in the sense that i/we have no interest in football, but something i thought he would enjoy trying out, time away from me etc. Those rare moments when he is doing things that are 'normal' e.g. playdates, swimming, singing at playgroups he is so happy. I think thats the main reason why I keep wanting to try.

Mollyweasley, i enjoyed reading your post, and i would like see things more positively, its just not happening at the moment. Perhaps I need to try and remind myself of how good things were a few weeks ago, and how this pattern of difficult behaviour might soon be replaced by my happy, kind and predictable DS.

I am learning about ASD, my son as he grows up, and how we fit in to our new life after the relocation. I want to cling to the positives but I have spent so much time recently worrying about the future. I wish someone could tell me that we will be ok, he will be ok, have some friends, go to a few parties, enjoy school and be safe in the playground. I am nervous about september when he starts school, perhaps 12 months from now things will be going well. The uncertainty for the future coupled with the day to day struggles are taking their toll on me. Today we started on a brighter note, but it all came crashing down playgroup this morning when he snatched, hid toys and didn't respond to my warnings. I feel like I'm living under a microscope sometimes, with people watching me try to 'style it out' and be smiley and chatty, listen to all the great things everyone did at half term, whilst under the surface i am sad/jealous/lonely

my second son was the verbal sociable adventurous type and loved visiting people's houses swimming singing ballparks softplay - he learned so much through all those sensory seeking activites. But he still suffered from sensory overload/underload in what you might call "easier" situations like unstructured playgroup sitting at a table during meals or waiting in drs or in a playdate when he felt the others weren't "playing with him" or listening to him (he was trying to control the game so they tended to run away). That's why it is so difficult when you are starting out, to understand why in some situations they cope fine and others they seem unable to do what other four year olds can manage - sitting still listening sharing behaving.

A book I wish I had read when my children were little is The Out of Sync Child, and there is another one called The Other Sync Child Has Fun. Also Sensory Processing Disorder?

Brio train track has been fab. And a toy garage. And hide and seek and games which were not too complicated but had simple rules. Climbing. Jigsaws. Drawing and colouring were always too difficult to make them enjoyable activities.

Please don't push yourself out of your comfort zone with ds. It causes a lot of tension when you try and do things or outings that your child will inevitably wreck. I learnt this the hard way. Just because other people think something is alright for their little darling is not necessarily something you should even consider for your child. So helping him dress organising him being forbearant over table manners food fads prompting him rather than expecting him to get it staying away from fine motor skill challenges like writing letters when he is not ready. You will probably find you are already in tune with these aspects of his character but there is nothing like someone expecting your child to be able to do things they cannot do to make you feel completely wrongfooted guilty and angry.

Ds2 loves pantomimes and theatre. And trips. He loves swimming and just learnt to ski. He has always been invited to parties. He has had two or three friends through school. Larger Social occasions tend to be more difficult. School is a learning curve but again you have to ask for support and you will generally find it.

HTH. Enjoy your life with your little ones and don't look too far into the future.

When looking for after school clubs I am 100% frank about my ds. I think most places have to be inclusive but saying that the replys can tell you how truely inclusive they are.

Both clubs my sons do are great. One told me they have ADHD and asd kids so I knew was onto a winner there ( theartre and dance - routine, script learning, energy burning).

His gym club are also great. He has dyspraxia so he's hopeless at it but they won't him there and adjust for him.

He doesn't live either class but always comes out happy. He is a different person in theartre. He does things there I have never seen him do anywhere else.

I also started him late - year one. It's finding the right place, again not easy!

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say I emphathise, a lot. DS is 3, diagnosed with ASD, SPD, speech delay last year. DD is 10 months old. I used to live and work in London, took a career break when DS was born. We moved out of London not too long ago. Its not a very small town but it always feels like everyone knows everyone else and I keep bumping into the same people. This might sound good but it's not. DS has very challenging behaviour, he is at a mainstream nursery and has been aggressive towards other children. Other parents give me dirty looks, some know that he has SNs. I run into other nursery parents a lot. DS will be going to the same school as most of the children at nursery. DS has a speech delay but also lots of echolalia and speaks and laughs to himself a lot. People stare. Children stare. We used to have play dates but they all dried up post diagnosis. I try and see my old friends and take DS to structured activities like short music classes which works for us. I hope things get better for you. Just wanted to say you're not alone

Two things. You remind me of me at the preschool stage, in fact I posted and someone replied that it does get better. That thought helped me. So I wanted to say the same to you. It does get easier.
I never thought that a year or two down the line it would be, but it is.

Playdates drying up after diagnosis. This happened to us. So hurtful. From people who we were close enough not to do this. (Luckily it has become better with starting school - a fresh start.) But if this happened to anyone else - did you work out why people behaved this way? I don't just mean acquaintances but friends of decades ago even family?

swanhilda i have ordered the book you recommended, thank you. Like you, Brio is a big hit as is the theatre, colouring in is a no no!

2boys, you are absolutely right, i need to be 100% upfront with groups and any future activities because if they dont have the experience with children like my DS it probably wont end well. On that note, we booked a holiday (Neilson) for this summer and they have a kids club which was fantastic when we took DS a few summers ago. Then he was under 2 years old, but now he is older I think I might need to call them to see if they are happy for him to try out the kids club. TBH it was one of the main reasons we picked to go with them again... a few afternoons of organised activity for him and lots of little people around. At the moment however it sounds like a recipe for disaster!

Lifejustis, i am so sorry you are going through this too. A year or two ago the idea of living in a small town was lovely, but like you I can see that fitting in will not be easy. Have you met anyone there who understands? This is why I keep saying to myself that someone like me lived around the corner. Just one person who lived nearby, who understood and wouldn't judge, who had a child with the same behavioural issues It would solve so many of our problems. Have you been upfront with the mums at preschool? How did they respond?

Banana, thank you for saying that. Hopefully like you i will be able to reassure someone else in the future that it will get better. You say that things have improved now... is that because you are your DC have met new and more understanding people? What was your experience when your DC started school, how did you handle the other mums there?

tigerpug, I've joined the local NAS branch and another support group but I haven't had the time to attend the support groups. The timings haven't worked with DS's therapy, nursery and DD. I haven't met anyone who really understands in real life, my old friends try but our lives are so different now.
I have been upfront with a few preschool mums but I don't think they really understand. Most of them think DS is the "naughty, aggressive" boy. I'm hoping that I get a chance to attend the support groups and I can then meet more people in similar situations.

It's easier because with the passing of time there have been changes in his development that I never imagined, so we have hope.
And the other reason is school. We have been lucky enough to find a great school - fantastic SENCO - and even though it hasn't been plain sailing finding acceptance, it is so much better than it was. I am still finding my feet, but would say it's easier when I look after myself, and feel more on top of things though its hard to find time to do this.
I also found the earlybirds course very comforting, meeting people I the same situation was therapeutic in a way I never imagined.