Toilet training for anxious 5 year old

[sunflower66]

My ds who was 5 in August has a speech delay and problems with anxiety.
He is seeing a SALT and a paediatrician.
The paediatrician has referred him to a phsycologist who has visted the home to assess ds and give me guidance on how to get him toilet trained.

He had a real problem with going into the boys toilets at school and he is taken to another toilet whilst at school.He has just started to go into the boys toilets but only to wash his hands.
At home he has sat on the toilet but will not do anything .

The pshycologist has asked me during half term to just refuse to put nappies on him and make a reward chart .Then everytime he sits on the toilet he gets a sticker.

I can't even get him to put his pants on this morning,he just ran off saying I don't want to and went and got him self dressed.
I have told him their will be no more nappies today and he will have to wear his pants.
He just gets very angry and shouts at me .
I am also trying to train dd also who is 3.

Feel really pressured as the pshycologist is going to ring to see how I am getting on and i feel such a failure.
We need to go out tomorrow and she suggests getting ds to wear his pants but i don't think I will get him out of the door without a nappy on.
I think this is all to do with his anxiety issues and being in control.

Anyone else had the same problem?

Hi Sunflower. I did have similar problems with DS1 many years ago. Paed and Psych involvement too. We used a reward chart and a very slow process of encouraging DS1 to sit on the potty (as he too would not sit on the toliet, in fact he was terrified of it, so we regressed back to the potty)- still with nappy on- gradually moving on to sitting on the potty with nappy on but not fastened at sides; then sitting on nappy placed on potty and finally removing nappy altogether. Stickers and praise were given for each attempt and we finally made it after about 4 weeks. Good luck!

I've been going through something very similar today with ds2 (3.8yrs and autistic). We started with a social story to try to get him used to the idea.

He hates sitting on the potty chair and absolutely refused to try the toilet. It took a lot of bribery just to get him to sit down for 2 seconds. I thought we were getting somewhere when he produced a few drops but then the screams of rage started. I eventually gave up and ds2 is now happily racing around the house wearing a nappy.

I can sympathise because it is just so bl**dy exhausting. I feel torn between wanting to get it over and done with, and not wanting ds2 to get hang-ups about the whole toileetting thing.

Ds1 (also autistic) finally got the hang of toilet-training a few weeks before starting school. Right now it feels as though ds2 will always be in nappies.

scoobyww-we have a reward chart for other things also and have to say the novelty has worn off a bit in our house.
I have tried bribery but ds just does'nt seem bothered as I think it's a fear he does'nt want to face.

Coppertop-My ds has a speech delay and selective mutism so I think the anxiety of him thinking he will have to ask to go to the toilet is too great and so thinks wearing a nappy he will not have to ask at all.The school is very good and understanding of this and he does manage at school to be changed away from the other children.
I feel so guilty about it and want to get him out if nappies but he gets really upset if I even mention pants and you can see the fear in his face.
I think the anxiety and toilet thing is linked somehow.Whether it makes him feel secure and not want to have an accident if he wears pants,I just don't know.

The pshycologist I know is trying to help but I just feel it's more pressure on me and another person i am failing.my DH thinks it is so easy also and i feel such a bad mother for not being able to accomplish it.

I know what you mean about not wanting them to develop a hang up about toilets and I don't want to push it then again this psyhcoloist says I am not being firm enough and need to hide up the nappies and tell him he has to wear pants.
The thing is though dd still wears them so a bit difficult to do that.

Do you think it would be a little easier for him if he could ask without having to speak? I'm thinking of something like giving him a PECS symbol for "toilet" so that he would just have to hand over or show a card rather than have to speak. I don't know an awful lot about selective mutism though so hopefully one of the mumsnetters with experience would be able to help.

FWIW I think the psychologist is wrong to be putting pressure on you like this. And if your dh thinks it's so easy then perhaps he should try it. Grrr!

Thanks coppertop for your understanding.

The psyhcologist is rather firm and straight talking and I don't think she understands how difficult this is.DS is a very sensitive little boy and gets upset at the tinyest of things and is hard to explain to someone unless you live it every day .I feel she has given me a week over half term to get this sorted and she wants to see the sticker chart on her next visit to see how we are doing.She said time it in half hour sections and a sticker for each half hour he is dry.
I am feeling so under pressure as I have dd as well .In between keeping them occupied for half term,tidying up which seems continuous,making meals and just the general day to day squabbles it is hard to keep up with it all.

Dh is away on a training course as well so has been extra hard.

The PECS sounds like a good idea,at the moment in school he just taps the teacher on the arm to alert her he needs changing.
I will ask about it next week,thanks.