'I must send him away to residential college...' Long and ranty!

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

DS2 is 17 with ASD and mild/mod learning difficulties. Went to special school and now on a special needs course at college ('working towards independence') Yesterday we had a 'transition to adulthood' clinic, where his lovely paed of 13 years offically handed him to a consultant neuro who will nominally oversee him now.

The guy literally started by informing telling DS2 (who is already on sertraline for his anxiety) that he MUST want to leave home, and needs to go away to college (special needs residential) so that he can be independent, otherwise he will be living with us til we get old and die, and we won't be around forever.

WT actual F?!!! DS2 is leaving college this summer at 18, and we have a nice mencap apprenticeship, for him to go to, 3 days a week for the next 18m. Social services are (hopefully) in the process of sorting him a personal budget for a carer to help him practice independent living skills the other days, and also want us to start using a sort of respite service, with others his age , to try weekends away. Meantime at home, he has SN youth club, sports club, he actually assists with the younger age sports club, goes to drama and has learned to take the bus to his drama club independently. So he has a great support and social network right here.

Am I being precious? I can't see how sending away at 19, to strangers for one or two years, to lose his local support and then have to reestablish it again afterwards , will benefit him in any way. I'm not 'hanging on to him'.. we truly hope that he will eventually live in supported housing, but he can learn to do more for himself here with us, where he feels safe. He talks well, but still believes in Santa, can't choose clothes for the weather outside and thinks everyone is his friend... It is NOT like his sisters going off to Uni as the consultant implied... they were ready to go, he (like his 21 yr old brother, happily still at home) is not.

I now have to try and unravel the massive anxiety the jerk has caused for my lovely son... reassure him we are not planning on dying soon, and that his sister will care for him if we did!

I'm not wrong, am I? Surely it is ok for him to stay where he is happy, confident and loved, without sacrificing this mythical independence that he would supposedly achieve elsewhere?

I am so peed off...

quite right

Parents virtually always know best. You are making a gently ASD-friendly transition towards supported living apart from you.

Some massive change is unlikely to be right for lots of ASD kids and the neuro needs a lesson in how to make his patients better not worse.

Put it behind you and keep up the good work

Damned cheek!!

You know your son best, you have done the best for him for the last 17yrs and it sounds like you have the next couple planned out really well!!

Ignore and be kind to yourself

You're local plans sound really good. I hope I can organise something similar for my DS when he is that age.

I bloody hate pushy professionals.

What does your DS want to do?

Fucking hell, Medusa

No, you're not wrong. Plenty of young people stay with their parents until well into their 20s. Why should it be any different for your DS, so long as you're all happy?

I'd most likely have been speechless at such a script, but it would have been quite appropriate to point out that he's 17, not 37, so let's cut out the guilt tripping and just do your job, eh?

Medusa that is so way out of line. The guy doesn't know your ds and seems to have minimal empathy anyway.
Even if moving away from home was the right immediate goal for your ds there are a hundred better ways to introduce the subject.

However it sounds as if you have an excellent plan in place.
Sorry you have now got extra work to do with ds. How is he feeling now?

He's still stressed..unsurprisingly. We have talked him down as much as possible, and will just keep reinforcing that he does not have to go ANYWHERE and that doctors can be just plain wrong!

I'm glad you don't think I'm being an over protective nitwit! I honestly think we have been very proactive in encouraging DS2's independence within his limits.

I have decided.. the consultant is a knob!

If your DS won't take "your neurologist is an interfering nitwit" off you, you may be able to get the practice nurse (or GP) to reinforce it.

Tbh, with that attitude, I'd be looking for another specialist, unless he has epilepsy or another Nero condition needing regular monitoring. Neurologists are for brain/nerve/muscle disease anyway. LD and ASD is normally under the "learning disability psychiatrist" umbrella.

If your GP is good, you could just wave bye-bye to consultant-led care.

Oh dear, that would be horrible for my nt kid! Why should he rush off? Most adults live at home well into their 20's now days.

If he isn't ready then so what?

I'd be p'd off too. More one size fits all approach

I often hesitate to post on this board although have learnt so much here as I don't have a child with SN or have any kind of specialist knowledge or experience (I am a GP).

So, fwiw, YANBU to be pissed off about this.
The consultant overreached and overstepped the mark totally.

I am NT and I lived at home until I was 23 - there is not law that says when people have to move out. There are many reasons why they may not wish to/need to/be able to.

Your plan and your DS's social network and all the activities he participates in sound perfect for his needs and his stage in maturity.

I often find that the transition from paediatric services to adult services for young people with all sorts of chronic conditions (including those not related to ASD i.e. diabetes/asthma/epilepsy etc) can be so ropey. I am not sure why that is .

You stick to your guns.

Medusa 'knob' is impressively restrained, but I think we know what you mean

Aha! Zzzz you're a genius.

There must be some cultural undercurrent you can tap into

"We're welsh working class on my side and people think you're very odd if the kids go away before they get a partner"