parenting fail; feel like I've let him down. long sorry.

[ilikepie]

DS, nearly 5, was invited on his first ever playdate. He has developmental delays and autistic traits, still not sure if he'll get a diagnosis. He gets a lot of SEN help at school, lots of one to one help. He has a problem with impulsiveness, lashing out, doesn't know how to interact with other children.

He was asked to play for an hour and a half after school at another child's house,along with another classmate. We coached him, his SEN TA did social story with him about it. It was drilled into him; kind hands, no pushing, biting etc. I was so nervous for him; he's never been anywhere except school without me or his dad.

I was asked to pick him up early because he'd had a toilet accident. No big deal, picked him up, chatted to the other mum, apologised for accident. Took bag of soiled clothes (assumed just wet). She said he'd been very good.

Got home and he told me he'd pooed on the floor. And i was so disappointed. I assumed he had just dropped his pants and done it on the carpet, without trying, because sometimes he just does that in his room. And I was so sad and disappointed that I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. He was confused and tried to comfort me by patting me on the back, and I said terrible things like ; "You won't have any friends if you poo on the floor" and "Your friend won't want you to come for a playdate any more because you did that". And 'do you think x's mum likes cleaning poo off the floor?' I am so ashamed.

And I forgot to say all the positive things and get the good out of the experience; he'd been so very good in all other ways and i just assumed he'd had a lapse of behaviour and done the poo kind of on purpose like he does at home and I didn't yell at him but i wept and despaired at him.

And it turns out, after more discussion later with him that it was a genuine accident; poor little man was in a strange place and just couldn't get to the toilet quickly enough....soiled clothes confirm this, otherwise they would be clean except the floor. I should have realised straight away that firstly it was a poo accident, not a wee as i first thought, and secondly, it was truly just a child playing for too long and unable to get to the loo on time, or embarrassed to ask a strange parent. Instead of just assuming the worst and weeping at him and not praising him to high heavens for being so good with the other kids.

I feel like i've taken all the good out of this experience for him. I've been positive to him about it since but i feel so guilty, too little too late. Sorry about the long post. DH thinks that as he doesn't tend to pick up on guilt trips anyway that I am worrying too much and that he will not come out of this with self esteem issues or fears about going on another play date. I just feel so ashamed of myself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You were on edge, and worried about how he would cope. We all have done things that, looking back, we could have dealt with better. That's just part of being a parent.
You have told him since how pleased you are with the rest of his behaviour, so that is good.
How about you invite the other child to your house, so he can have a fun social time in a safer environment. (I mean safer emotionally, not that there was anything unsafe about the friend's house)

Thank you both. Other mum was fine with it. I would have been fine with it if I had realised straight away that it was an accident, but because he has form for poohing in a 'naughty' deliberate way at home, i made wrong assumptions which made my heart sink and i reacted badly. I am just so disheartened because it was such an opportunity for him and I made it into something negative. But I had hyped the playdate up for myself too; there was a lot riding on it for me.

I'm reluctant to ask other children here, as in the past DS has reacted very badly to other kids in his environment, and has basically done everything in his power to get them to leave/be taken home (biting, punching, shouting, whilst professing to want them there!)

I am resolving to be a better parent as of today. It's seems hard because I'm more desperate for him to fit in and have friends than he is i guess.

Your being to hard on yourself. No one is perfect and your setting yourself for a lifetime long guilt trip.

I had a incident last year where I just told my ds to stop doing something. He had such a massive meltdown. Scary. At the time I felt like a utter failure as I knew I caused it, I knew he couldnt take it yet I did that to him.

Looking back I learnt so so much (unintentionally) I had to step up into bigger shoes and we've never had a day like it since.

Try to think of it positively, and remember your going to do more things you feel bad about. That's the joy of parenting ANY child. We all get it wrong from time to time.

I get plenty wrong. I cry to much in front of my kids. I tell them off too much. I don't tell them how they are fantastic enough. There always room to do things differently but being perfect is a goal no one can reach

When DS was 4 and 5 yo and I brought a playdate home for him. He would sit under dining table or ironing board and wait for them to go away Playdate would play with his sisters.

But now at 6yo he allows a playdate to sit next to him, while he plays computer games and monologues at them...baby steps in the right direction. :)

I have done the same as you so many times, and felt just as crappy about it afterwards.

I got to thinking that every time I got it wrong could become a learning opportunity - for me and for ds. I had to recognise that I had a lot to learn and I'd make mistakes along the way. Once I understood that I didn't feel so bad about it.

But I did get myself into a habit that I still stick to today (ds is 16). Whenever I get it wrong I admit it. I tell him I'm sorry, and explain that sometimes we all make mistakes, and I feel bad about it. I promise him I'll try to do better next time and I make myself try.

So it's a learning opportunity. I develop my ability to be a better parent, and he learns that it's ok to get things wrong from time to time, and that when you do you have to apologise and try to learn from it. And we end with a hug and a hot chocolate or some other way of making things better again.

Please don't beat yourself up. You're not the only one who does this, and this won't be the last cock-up you make. But if your son knows you love him and you didn't mean to upset him, you'll get by.

ilike
"We coached him" - full marks
"SEN TA did social story" - full marks
"kind hands" - full marks
"no pushing" - full marks
"no biting" - full marks
"we drilled it into him" - full marks
"he'd been so good in all other ways" - full marks
"I didn't yell at him" - full marks
"I've been positive about it to him since" - full marks
recogising that future play dates will be helped by sorting out where the toilet is, how to ask for the toilet, and reacting to positives first when ds gets home - full marks

I've read that there is a neurotypical brain pattern that clings on to negatives and finds it hard to forget them. It is seen in around 80% of girls/women and 10% of boys. So you are being very normal giving yourself a hard time for the one thing you got wrong instead of the 10 positives from this play date.

I really do feel for you, but hoping that the list of things that really matter that you got right will help to re-balance things.

If this were a GCSE exam you would get an A and you sound exactly like an A parent to me.

Good luck with the next play date. They will all get easier for you from here.

Thank you all, your encouraging words are really helpful. Today is a new day. I am determined to learn from this; I am so very proud of him. He wants his playdate friend to come to a special trip to a local petting farm/playbarn for his 5th birthday instead of a big party thank goodness (bit of direction when giving him the options i must admit), so hopefully that will be a good opportunity for him to forge a proper friendship too. Thanks again, you have made me feel better.