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"I feel sorry for you having to sit next to him"!

15 replies

ChowNowBrownCow · 28/01/2015 19:53

I feel very sad but more angry than anything. Ds (8) has autism and adhd. He sits on a table at school with his only friend. Ds started stimming in the last two months. He squeals. Not all the time, just now and again, I have bought him some sensory fiddles including oral ones to see if that will help. So far they haven't. His teacher is 'nice' but cannot think out of the box when it comes to ds. In her own words "she struggles to know what to do" and she finds the squealing difficult and implies it's done for attention. Me and dp have had several meetings with her to explain that is not the case, and to keep sending him out of the classroom is perceived by him as a punishment. The problem I feel is mainly with the TA who has told His one and only friend "I feel sorry for you sitting there". Ds said he knew it was about him, but his friend didn't hear her (or so he thinks, personally I think the poor kid did hear but didn't know how to react) Another pupil then says " she's talking about you" to my ds. He came home today very quiet and said (eventually) I've been really naughty because I kept squealing, he then proceeded to tell me the rest of what happened today. By 3.50pm I was on the phone to the HT. She said she will look into it tomorrow . The problem is This TA has lied numerous times about things, and denied telling him off about his Stims so as to upset and embarrass poor ds. I have no doubt she will lie again tomorrow. One thing ds does not do is lie, he is brutally honest, very black and white in his understanding. He doesn't get sarcasm at all, and some things the TA has said is sarcastic then turned into a "I didn't mean it like that". Only Monday I spoke to senco and his teacher about her and all they say is "we have to hear both sides" , which she obviously lies about then does the same thing again! Please help me to put in writing a complaint and who to? Tia

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Ineedmorepatience · 28/01/2015 20:15

Nightmare! What an awful situation. I have no advice but have had school staff lie about stuff to so I know how you feel.

I hope you can get someone to take your concerns seriously Sad

Good luck Flowers

zzzzz · 28/01/2015 21:19

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millimoohoo · 28/01/2015 22:29

my ds who has Asperger's went through similar chow Sad I remember he came home from school and told me the whole class were told off for misbehaving and the teacher pointed at my ds and said 'I surprised at everyone's behaviour but im not surprised at you !" Angry I was fuming and added it to my list of things that pissed me off about that school. Ds teachers had sod all knowledge about asd and treated him as an attention seeking nt child. I took in asd leaflets,printouts any info I could find that related to his misunderstood behaviour, and wrote a letter to the governors of the school and had a meeting with them. Sadly nothing changed (it might for your ds) so I moved him to another school and he is much happier. sending lots of good luck Flowers

senvet · 28/01/2015 23:14

chow here is an attempt. It is all very nicey nicey as we don't want the TA or school to dig in. Obviously I know very little about your case, but I hope this gives you a framework to amend to suit.

"Dear X
I am writing to offer some guidance and support to staff who are not familiar with Tourettes, or its close neighbour ASD-stims.

In my ds these stims are squeals which he cannot control.

For many pupils with Tourettes and stims, the uncontrollable noises are more likely to occur when the person is under stress.

And of course, one source of stress is becoming uncomfortable about the inconvenience that the noises cause to others.

Obviously, being reprimanded or isolated is going to be completely counter-productive. But even a frown, or sympathy to a fellow student for having to put up with the noise, or an off-the-cuff remark is likely to result in the noises increasing. And that of course makes it harder for the rest of the class to learn as well as the child with Tourettes/stims

I do understand that the instinct of any member of staff is to assume a child who looks like a mainstream child is making the noises for a mainsteam reason.

I also know staff just want the best for all their students and fortunately if we work together we should be able to make a good difference fairly simply to benefit the whole class.

Luckily it is relatively simple to put a system and training in place to remind staff to reverse the instinct to comment or reprimand, for a child with tourettes/ASD stims.

Your staff are clearly not the sort of people who would comment on a child with a wheelchair for the squeaks of the wheels on lino, let alone exclude them or reprimand them. So I am sure that when they understand that stims cannot be controlled, but can be reduced, they will be keen to help for everyone's benefit.

Could we discuss the structures that would work best for your school and some information sources that might assist?"

ChowNowBrownCow · 29/01/2015 07:14

Thank you for the helpful replies and support. My DS wet the bed for the second night in a row. He hasn't wet the bed for months. I'm not saying there's a connection, but it's happened none the less. He has never said I don't want to go to school before, but yesterday he did, I think he's being bullied by this TA and that makes me sad. I will use Senvets letter as a template as it's all very reasonable, but I will be sending a copy to The autism advisory team who will be visiting his class next week for observations. The school won't like it as I'm sure they prefer to keep things in house. But, I have a little boy this morning who doesn't want to go to school, and to be honest, I would like this sorted out before they pull him in and start questioning him and make him feel worse than he already does. I will take the day off work and try and settle him down and get things sorted out. I don't know if that's the right way to go, but that's my gut instinct.

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senvet · 29/01/2015 13:27

Way to go chow. I love the idea of copying in the autism advisory folk.

You will know best if copying as well the SEN governor of the school will make things better or worse.

And your gut instinct is very likely to be right. It is tough to see your dc stressed over school, but it looks to me as though you are right to go and fight this battle.

Just an idea about the one TA, would it be fair to say that your dc happens to have built up some stressy reaction to her, so if someone else could work with him that might help the whole class?

My dd has some funny ideas about individual staff who 'hate' her - it is just the chemistry - but for your dc, if chemistry like that happens to disrupt the whole class then it might be easiest to ask her to work with other students.

Of course, I actually think the TA is probably being very dumb, mean and unprofessional, but absent the evidence, making it 'nothing personal,these things happen. let's help the class' may get you to the result.

Good Luck

ChowNowBrownCow · 30/01/2015 14:15

Just to update - had a meeting with senco and ht 8am this morning. They asked all parties concerned and the TA said didn't recall, but the ht said she didn't deny it either. The other children when questioned backed up ds side of the story. Senco and ht apologised by saying they were very sorry about what happened and that they take full responsibility for what has happened. I couldn't believe my ears. I thought there would be denial all round. I said the TA signed and agreed to a council policy re equal opportunities and discrimination not being allowed and the school has a duty of care etc. they agreed. The upshot is ht said TA to no longer teach ds as TA agreed that ds stress levels go higher, hence more stimming when she's around. Ds to sit in front of class teacher. We felt this was a good move. Nas rang today and are sending me email with strategies that can help in the classroom. They also said teachers should be showing by example how to be when around people when they are differant, and I couldn't agree more. I grew up when disabilities were something you didn't talk about or know what to do. My oldest child had a girl in her class with downe syndrome , and it was so normal for the whole class to be around her and look out for her . They were so used to her bear hugs, kisses, clapping, and that's the way it should be! Not like when I was a kid, when you were almost frightened because it seemed like youngsters were kept away from everyone especially at school. All that seemed to do is promote prejudice and discrimination.Outrageous! So onwards and upwards and a big thank you for your support and hand holding - especially Senvet as I couldn't have done that letter on my own!

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zzzzz · 30/01/2015 15:00

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ChowNowBrownCow · 30/01/2015 17:51

Thanks zzzzz, you were right about the other children knowing and remembering what happened. They answered clearly when questioned by the ht, so that was good. Thanks for the tips.

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ChowNowBrownCow · 30/01/2015 17:53

This is what I found in his room about the TA !

"I feel sorry for you having to sit next to him"!
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ChowNowBrownCow · 30/01/2015 17:54

Oops sorry it's come out side ways ?!?

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zzzzz · 30/01/2015 18:03

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ChowNowBrownCow · 30/01/2015 21:50

That's a good point zzzzz , and very positive. I would never have thought of it in that way, I can use this experience to teach him so many things, which ultimately will help him through life. Thank you.

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senvet · 30/01/2015 22:47

So glad it has worked out for you and dc chow.

I am impressed by dc's ability to capture his feelings in a simple note. DC has a useful gift there.

Lucky he has Supermum to rescue him from the 'enemy' who we hope will have learned a lesson for the future and be a reformed character - unlike most goody and baddy stories kids read.

Well done

zzzzz · 31/01/2015 00:32

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