What do you do when other parents have similar symptoms come to you for advise but repeatedly ignore it?

[2boysnamedR]

In a postnatal group, someone I know has a ds who has lots of Ref flags that the mum worrys about. I say to her that sounds familair to ds have you tried this as it helped ds.

Been doing this for months now but I'm getting the feeling she knows my ds is not nt therefore shut down to what I'm saying.

I know I want to help her help her ds. But, it's upsetting me. Because 1) she seems so unwilling to except there could be a reason for so many red flags 2) I feel for this child 3) I get the feeling she is thinking " my child is perfectly normal, unlike your child"

Is it ok to give up trying to help her? I'm finding it emotionally draining. When she next says his was screaming for a hour about his socks scratching his feet so bad he sobbed all the way to school?

Could this really just be totally normal anyway? Do I really see sn everywhere because I look for it? ( I do btw look for it a lot but I never ever feel any reason to say "hmm - I think that's worth investigating")

Another reason to feel like crap when I have enough to cope with as it is.

I'm sorry but however hard it is you're going to have to hold your tongue from now on. It takes 2 to Tango and she ain't dancing. She knows where you are if she changes her mind.

You've done the right thing IMO trying and raising things though. I know views are divided on hear but I think it takes a community to raise children and other peoples ARE our business, but only up to a point.

Thanks, I think I need permission to give up.

I never went as far as saying " that sounds like he has xyz" it was only ever "how about asking to see OT as they had some great simple ideas to help my ds".

I think I overstepped my mark when I first though it sounded familair. I need to bite my tounge in future ( and stick my fingers in my ears when she talks about him).

I know about a year in after my ds' diagnosis I saw a little boy, his dad and the grandma on the train. The little boy was hard work, though cute. He was flapping and showing repetitive behaviour and would not stop.

His dad who obviously doted on the child trying to engage him, unsuccessfully and he eventually said to the grandma 'was I like this at this age?' to which she kind of shrugged.

The very real pain I felt at that moment was incredible. That I knew the family were on the cusp of not only discovering devastating news, but being treated like shit, being encouraged to give up all hope for their child as hope is expensive to provide for, knowing at least a little about what they could do to lessen some of the pain that is about to come for them but being absolutely unable to share it.

I can still cry about it now tbh. I hope they found their path and they are okay.

I really empathise with you on this op. DS had a friend in school/nursery who had a lot of autism type behaviours. a lot of signs of autism. Nursery were quite switched on and had encouraged the other mum to refer and investigate further. She was always asking me for help and advice, which I was of course more than happy to give until I clocked that she wasn't really interested in actually doing anything. It was as if the act of having a conversation ticked the boxes for her of helping her child, rather than doing the work.

One day she came to me triumphantly and said her ds was ok, based on a convo she'd had with her friend who taught her ds karate once. He knew all about kids see, and she really pitied my DS because I had now labelled him... Enough was enough and I had to distance myself. Such a shame because I was fond of her wee boy and while I can't of course diagnose him, he needed more support than he was getting.

I have another friend who's son has autisum. She got the dx but from entering ms six years ago he has had zero help. No further nhs help. Ieps at school but that's it. She said to me " one day you will get it, you'll realise you can never win and give up all hope. It may take months or years but one day you'll get there".

Some one has told me I had a moral obligation to make that mum see her legal rights ( ie forget this as it's basically what our senco told her). I did tell her, but just the once as she is where she wants / has to be. She doesn't want to do anything as she is worn out.

Because the first mum is always asking for help and saying she can't cope it makes me feel guilty. But i guess she doesn't really need help. Just reassurance it's normal.

I'm not the person for giving that reassurance

Full permission to stop. I have MS but I am generally horribly, and possibly annoyingly, positive.

If someone asks for help with an MS friend, I find that sharing my positivity actually saps it. I think it is a bit like donating blood - after a bit you start to feel rough and have to have a good break to get right again.

So I do my bit, and then stop. So if this mum is unwittingly getting some relief from the repeated conversations about symptoms which are not as sever in her DS, but it is getting to you, then time to give yourself a break. You have donated enough. Have your metphorical tea and biscuits and get on with life until you have recharged enough (if ever) to donate again.

I bet she is on the phone when things start to go pear shaped further down the line.....

Thanks. I think he son sounds worse than mine tbh. Mostly because it's dealt with for what it is. Plus his bad days don't leave me wondering what's going on. Well I do wonder but at the same time I have excepted I will never know what it's like to be ds. It's ok.

Denial is a river in Egypt to quote Judge Judy quoting an old joke.

I have to admit that I do try to understand denial of a treatable illness/disability/SEN, but I don't really get it.

But I think you have been doing a fantastic job with tribunals, and looking out for the people on here as well, as well as trying to help this mum and her ds.

So there are 2 problems

1. the mum is in denial of her ds's needs

2. she is a drain on you

3. You have tried to fix problem 1 and, to my surpise, you are not the right person to get through to her. You can do no more about this problem but wait.

4. This you can solve, and for your sake, please do!

Your right. This has made me feel bad all day and your right, I need to it it to bed. Its not helping anyone anyway.

sleep well!

I've found that all you can really do is let people know you're willing to help (within limits - I am good at saying No when people make unrealistic demands on my time and availability), give them contact details or routes to follow, and then leave it. You can't make people accept help or find out more information if they aren't ready. I agree it's hard to watch a family struggle when you can see there are some simple things they could do to make things easier, but you can't cross those boundaries without permission.

I was for quite a long time (when DD was between 2-4 yrs) very much like this. Constantly seeking out advice from parents with children with SN so I could try and convince myself DD wasn't like them and was actually just a late bloomer.

As her speech and social skills failed to develop and ASD traits became more obvious, I went into ostrich mode and avoided everyone for a time.
OP, I'd withdraw and offer no further input. Some people can never accept reality and others like me just take longer to get there.

I work in a SN school and there are several children with very severe disabilities coming there aged 9/10 from mainstream because their parents refused to accept their diagnosis.

Feel much better today thanks. The boy is 7 and this has been escalating for years.

I'm not going to our next meet up to give myself some distance. Last conversation we had was that although things are getting very rapidly worse everyone was taking "he taking his time to mature" stance. I honestly doesn't know how she copes.

Anyway I don't want to loose her friendship or the friends in the post natal group. I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on in. If she directs the questions back to me again should I just repeat her opened question or say "I don't know really". Or ask her if she saw the voice? Or say the baby has pooped I need to change it? I feel like that's going to be another social group SN will exclude me from if I stop going.

Defiantly not mentioning what's going on in my boys life's either ( which is hard with the tribunal)

It sounds to me as though you need to set some demarcation boundaries in this group, and particularly around this one friend. Some conversations should be on a 'need to know' basis, and some of your stuff will be off limits to the others.

If she asks again, you could always direct her to MN and we can all give her advice, including you, but anonymously .

2boys, you are very helpful on here and giving. Your gift is both precious and limited. For the world to benefit most from what you have to offer you have to be discerning. Help 3 people who are desperate for it or flog a dead horse with it?

Hopefully one day the dead horse will be revived, but reviving horses is not your gift.

Glittery that's a very honest post and actually made me feel better about the situation I was in, hopefully the mum concerned has followed a similar path and is now in a better place with her DS