When your DS loves being at mainstream but knowing that a specialist setting will help him in the long run

[adrianna22]

As most of you would know I am appealing DS final statement (DS 5, ASD and a severe speech and language impairment.)

I was all for a specialist placement, till I saw DS happily playing with his friends in school, trying to join in the games and them remembering the amount of kids that knock on my door so that they can come to play with DS.

How do you know, as a parent, that you are doing what's best for your child?

I look at DS, and his struggles and think yes, in the long term, a specialist setting will give him the foundation.

But then, there was a time I took DS to see a specialist school and he was so miserable, we spent two days at the school, for an assessment. The next day when he returned back to his mainstream school, he actually ran to go to his school (he never does this as he is always tired), he was so happy. Isn't his happiness important too?

If he get's into this specialist school, it will last for two years, ( but I know they are expanding).

Just a bit lost really on what to do.

I would go for "happiness". The problem is knowing if long-term he will remain happy. But the decision you make now is not irreversible. If SS does not work out then you can go back to mainstream. If mainstream begins to fail then you can ask for a review of the statement and get a new placement. It won't be quick (6 months to a year) but it can happen - I am not sure I would put the enormous energy that is needed into fighting over a placement that you are not sure is right for your son at the moment.

Happiness from me too, and fight for as much support and input from SALT as you can, in the setting where he has friends and is happy.

For all my dcs, being happy and confident in school, having friends and wanting to go in every day is the most important thing.

Yes, but he's at a different stage. We too are waiting for finalised statement so we can appeal the content, DS is in Yr 6 of a ms primary where he has been happy since YrR. We want him to go to indie SS in Yr 7, not ms secondary. He is happy where he is, it's a very nurturing school, but he is way, way behind where he should be academically and only copes socially with the help of a close knit bunch of boys whose mums are close friends of mine. He could go to the indie school now (it is primary through to A levels) and we could afford the fees at a pinch, we floated this idea with him last term and he was devastated at the thought of leaving before all his classmates do, Yr 6 is such a memorable year, so we've decided he stays where he is and the academic and input can start properly at yr 7.

I should also add that at no other time through primary have we considered moving him, academically it has been hopeless but the benefits of being in his local school with caring staff and the boys he has known since birth have been immeasurable.

Happiness over everything. our son was in ms until y3. We moved him to SS. He gets much better learning support now but has no friends. He meets up with the kids from his old school as much as possible but it is not something I took into the equation when we decided to move him as I was so learning focused, now I wish I had.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Yes one in eight- it is knowing if his happiness will remain which puts me in doubt.

The specialist setting he went to see with me- no we are not going to put him in that school. But another specialist setting I recently looked at, I just had this gut feeling and I know it would be perfect for DS.

I'm not worried about the academics. It's the speech and language/communication that I'm worried about. DS is very severe in his speech and language and I know that the specialist school will give him the right foundation- yes he may not "catch up"- but his speech, language and communication needs could improve.

I know he would not remain happy if his communication/speech language skills continue to be a struggle for him.

I've worried about that too, the fact that he might reach a point where either he had a catastrophic social fail, or crash academically leaving him in a very unhappy place. So, as we've gone into each year I've been bracing myself that that would be the year when it would all become too much and we'd have to get statemented / moved (I've been poised to apply for this statement since about Year 2, with hindsight I possibly should have done it sooner, but as he has coped so well I've held off).

When he was in KS1 I didn't think he could possibly cope with KS2 but he has done me proud and got right through, I can hardly believe he's done it. Now he obviously has to leave, along with everyone else and we have seriously considered sending him to MS secondary with a statement, but as we've gone through the process of independent assessments to support appeals I can see how it really couldn't possibly cater for his needs well enough so we are going for SS.

It is different for every child, my DS has AS, dyspraxia and language disorder but his speech is only mildly impaired, so he has in a way bluffed his way through. I've always been a bit focussed on the AS but actually I now think the dyspraxia and language disorder are probably having far more impact on his education.

My point exactly who...

Plus, an existing head at DS mainstream school advised me that to learn language after the age of 7 is extremely difficult and it's best to put him into a specialist provision now, rather than later.

I've got a lot to think about it.

It's difficult logistically to bolt on lots of SALT or OT provision to a mainstream setting, this is one of the key reasons I want to get DS into SS for Yr 7. DS has had both from the NHS during his time at primary but it has been limited (could have been more with a statement admittedly). My DS will undoubtedly have a harder time catching up than he would have done if we'd gone for it earlier but I naively though the help he was getting was enough. In a way it has been as he has got through primary ok.

Have you had an independent SALT assessment done as part of your process or will you be doing? They ought to be able to advise on whether their recommendations can be accommodated in a MS setting or will require specialist provision.

Yes he had an independent SALT. To be honest I don't really put all my trust into doctors, but anyway she said advised that if he does not get the specialist help now- then she fears that he will regress.

I'd go for the school you think is right / will help him most. All children want to stay with their friends from primary school & its always a wrench to leave that cosy environment (as much for the parents as the child!). Mostly they get over a move fast and make new friends (especially in a small school). Finding a nurturing secondary (essential as peers often become less kind as they hit teens) & the one which will help him achieve his outcomes would be what I would go for.

Am I right that the missing piece of the jigsaw is how your DC would react to the ss that your gut is telling you could be right?

The other issue is trying to evaluate whether the reaction is reaction to change which is hard for a lot of DCs with ASD.

Go with your gut - a kid who is very stressed will not learn much, I guess (I'm not an expert, but it seems logical...).

And an LA will welcome, with open jaws, someone who wants to stay in ms, even if the LA has to give LOTS of SALT etc, rather than the LA having to pay for ss.

So to get the best in ms, definitely see if the ss would accept him, and dangle that ss-possibility in front of LA while negotiating for massively more SALT etc support in ms. Tactics worked brilliantly for a friend...

Lots of kids do OK in ms for a while then hit trouble later - my relative at 8 when body language started coming thicker and faster, and lots at secondary where it is just too noisy and complex.

BUT every kid is unique, and you know your DC best. Whatever you choose will have pluses and minuses and you will never know if it was the best choice. And no school is perfect all the time.

You are doing a brilliant job so don't cane yourself because you don't have second sight and a crystal ball.

Thanks for the replies.

senvet I think my main issue is that DS has made many friends at his local MS and he seems happy too. I'm afraid that I'm not taking his "happiness" into account. Though, I'm not sure if this is a valid reason, as when kids mature they do become nasty.

DS hasn't been to see the SS school that I recently went to view. But I just had that gut feeling that the SS would help him out tremendously.

Thanks for your advice, I'll take things slowly and I'll see if the SS would take him.

ASD + happy + friends is an impressive result.

Good luck with getting the ss offer - and I hope it has the magic effect on LA....

Kids don't always get nasty as they get older Adrianna. DS was in ms until the end of Y4 and we never had any issues of bullying. The kids were so used to him and his little quirks that they became desensitised to it. They never batted an eyelid when he screamed, shouted or hid under the table or threw stuff across the class because that's what DS does and they were used to it. The school was very inclusive and instilled this into the children.
DS has had more issues of falling out in SS because they all have ASD and don't have the social skills to form and maintain stable friendships and resolve disagreements.

We've had no problems with bullying in MS (well apart from one child who bullied child after child, not just DS). DS doesn't exhibit the sort of behaviours described by fairgame but he certainly stands out as quirky and different, but they have all accepted him for who he is and he has managed friendships after a fashion. It was always one of those things i've worried would be inevitable as they all got older, but they have got as far as Yr 6 now and DS is still hanging on in there Ok and does have friends, albeit not such close ones as some of the others.

Hearing everyone's opinions has started to give me doubts. I've got a lot to think about.

I did always say that if DS did move to a SS, then I would put him into sports clubs and so on- if I felt that he wasn't making friends.

But I just know that the SS would give him that language boost.

I'll have to wait to see if DS would be accepted into the SS then I'll see.

I moved DT1 (AS) and DT2 (NT) to a mainstream school with a special unit for DT2 when boys were 7. It was DT1 who was devastated as he had made lots of friends at his old school. I felt really guilty as I felt I was moving DT1 because of DT2 and it would have been possible to keep them at separate schools although would have been really awkward as they were a distance apart. We sold it to dt1 on the basis that he was going to give it a go , however by the end of the first week he had agreed to stay for another few weeks and we never looked back. Boys boys at the time were very happy at their old school but I felt that in the long run DT2 was going to benefit by being moved and if I had just looked at happiness I wouldn't have done anything. 5 is very young and if he has the capabilities of making friends will do so again and if there are not as many possibilities in the indie school, as you say there are opportunities outside of school.

Dt2 stayed in the unit until end of primary and is now in a mainstream secondary with no unit in yr 9 and doing every well. The stay in the special unit gave him that specialist provision that he needed at the time and he is now coping much better than I had thought possible in a large class

I also know masses of NT children who have changed school at primary level for varous reasons and settled really quickly, children are very adaptable at that age. I'm worried we're not making this any easier for you Adrianna.

Hi Adrianna ..its very difficult .our ds16 has severe sli and auditory memory difficulties. .he had 2-3 close friends at m/s school and was invited to all parties..BUT he was verbally teased/ bullied daily because of his failing in the classroom.. his self esteem was shot to bits ..Yr 6 was particularly hard..we wanted a fresh start at a new m/s and it was only a senco at 1 of the schools that said he has very low levels (he had 25 hr statement) that we eventually were told he needed ss and the one that fitted was weekly boarding ..It was a nightmare ..anyway he went (la concede before tribunal) and said "they are all like me mum" and he didn't feel bottom of the pile ..he is admired and looked up to...and is now taking 4 gcses. ..so for my son it was happiness but of course he didn't want to board but he was so unhappy he went for it...but as has been said only you know your child ...good luck .

Adrianna we are also in this predicament. Dd has autism, dyspraxia, severe dyslexia and dsycalculia and has scored very low on speech and language from a recent independent EP report. We are now in two minds re keeping dd at mainstream where she does have friends but struggles tremendously on a daily basis to just cope with the school day let alone academically or a specialist school which will meet her educational needs but we worry that the peers at this school will not be at her level socially.

We need a independent SALT assessment ASAP to also help us assess the situation but are having trouble finding one that doesn't code £1000! Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated?!
Not much help for you Adrianna but just so you know you are not alone and I understand how difficult it is to decide what is best

I would probably go with the special provision. if I remember correctly, your DS's speech and language difficulties are rather severe. SS will give him a better foundation in the long run and who says he won't be happy in a sspecialist setting.

DD has Asd with severe s&l problems (she was only talking in 2-3 word phrases when she started school, receptive delays as well and I wish we would have had access to a setting that focusses on speech/language/communication. We live rural abd nothing round here so ended up in MS. if you have this choice, I would give my child the chance in a specialist setting.

Thanks for your messages.

Bumblebee- I know of a place where you can get an independent SALT report around £300.00. I'll send you a private message if you don't happen to view this post.

If I choose a specialist setting, I'v already concluded that I'll put DS into extra curriculum activities as he is very sociable.

Chocomore- yes DS language is extremely severe- they are kids who are non-verbal at DS school- but magically caught up with language In year 3. I guess I'm wishing this could happen with DS but yes SS would definitely give him the right foundation.

I'll see what the specialist setting ( that I would like DS to go to) says if DS meets the criteria entry. Then I'll make up my mind from there.